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peculiar friend
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 699039" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I agree with this with one exception.</p><p>If it were me I think I would try to respond to each little lie as it arises by commenting something simple and non-threatening. Like, "that doesn't sound right to me. I thought you said x was y."</p><p></p><p>In that way you are not left holding the lie or the contradiction. It is not you who has to make sense of the discrepancy or the confusion. The issue you are having now is that you are left holding the bag--over and over again. You are not being true to yourself--or to her--by keeping silent. In the moment.</p><p></p><p>What I would not do is say something like: <em>I am troubled by the way you keep telling me little lies. </em>I would challenge them one by one, innocently, not to challenge her, but to assert your understanding of what is happening. It is a question of your integrity towards yourself, not a question of her integrity. Her integrity is none of your business. Your integrity is your business.</p><p></p><p>You asked me, Nomad, to comment upon your situation, and I will even though in the time it took me to get back to you, you have already handled it. Here goes.</p><p></p><p>I believe the course of action, pulling back a little, is mature and well-thought. At least, I would hope I would do the same. You seem to have considered many variables. Her situation and conflicts and her difficulty in dealing with the pressure. Your own vulnerability--the extent you might have been seeking in this friendship how to deal in part with what you have lacked, and support to deal with the pressures of your own life.</p><p></p><p>Is that not what friendship is?</p><p></p><p>Now, with this I find myself thinking of my own sister who is positively gleeful when she can put somebody at a disadvantage or use their vulnerability to score a deadly hit.</p><p></p><p>At the same time I have to admit to revenge fantasies when somebody has hurt me although I try hard to not act on them and hope I have been successful.</p><p></p><p>If your friend's situation is difficult and precarious, and she struggles to hold it together I can see how she would find it difficult if your own seems altogether too comfortable. I have often been in both the poorer category but as many times in the richer one, too. I find that there are people that take pot shots, who cannot bear somebody else having anything at all.. Rich people who cannot bear that a poorer one have even one thing that makes them advantaged--when they have it all.</p><p></p><p>When I was leaving that last (stupid) job, there was envy of me, that I could leave. Some people feel they must work--when the reality is that they choose to see themselves as requiring x quantity of dollars, which is an arbitrary number, not always based upon necessity per se, but something altogether different.</p><p></p><p>A very nice lady asked me "can I ask you how much retirement money you make?" I answered her. She responded: "Is that all?"</p><p></p><p>The thing is, she feels trapped and cannot understand how I could assert my freedom when she would be afraid to. I do not think she wanted to hurt me. But it did sting. I felt put down or foolish or poor--when the reality was I was the object of envy. People are peculiar.</p><p>Yes I have. Many. I am actually quite jaded now of friendships.</p><p>I do not think it is financial difficulty per se that is giving your friend trouble. It sounds as if she is having trouble responding to the straits she is finding herself in. Not the straits themselves. She may have an ineffective, weak or lazy husband. She may not want to confront this reality. Maybe she does not want to be alone. And fears if she confronts it, she will risk her marriage. She may want to persist on believing herself (or presenting herself contrary to reality) to be privileged or well to do, when the reality is otherwise.</p><p></p><p>Another woman could respond by saying to her husband and to herself: <em>Our circumstances have changed. We will downsize and call it a win. We have chosen simplicity. We are happier. </em></p><p></p><p>For some reason, she cannot do this.</p><p></p><p>I believe our responses to life shape us. Not the events alone, but how we understand and learn from them. What we choose. I see your friend as if caught in a storm at sea and she responds to one wave, and then another, and seems unable to arrive at an understanding of herself and her life or decide upon a course of action that she can hold to, that makes sense to her as honest and true.</p><p></p><p>I do not believe that the problem is yours or really has anything to do with you, except that you have not figured out what your response should be to her flailing about. I do not think you have a role in this, except to tell the truth to yourself *and to her every time what she does or says hurts you or confuses you. Not in a mean or blaming or dramatic way. But simply. In the moment. I would not hold onto anything or suppress it because this is when resentment and other noxious feelings build up.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 699039, member: 18958"] I agree with this with one exception. If it were me I think I would try to respond to each little lie as it arises by commenting something simple and non-threatening. Like, "that doesn't sound right to me. I thought you said x was y." In that way you are not left holding the lie or the contradiction. It is not you who has to make sense of the discrepancy or the confusion. The issue you are having now is that you are left holding the bag--over and over again. You are not being true to yourself--or to her--by keeping silent. In the moment. What I would not do is say something like: [I]I am troubled by the way you keep telling me little lies. [/I]I would challenge them one by one, innocently, not to challenge her, but to assert your understanding of what is happening. It is a question of your integrity towards yourself, not a question of her integrity. Her integrity is none of your business. Your integrity is your business. You asked me, Nomad, to comment upon your situation, and I will even though in the time it took me to get back to you, you have already handled it. Here goes. I believe the course of action, pulling back a little, is mature and well-thought. At least, I would hope I would do the same. You seem to have considered many variables. Her situation and conflicts and her difficulty in dealing with the pressure. Your own vulnerability--the extent you might have been seeking in this friendship how to deal in part with what you have lacked, and support to deal with the pressures of your own life. Is that not what friendship is? Now, with this I find myself thinking of my own sister who is positively gleeful when she can put somebody at a disadvantage or use their vulnerability to score a deadly hit. At the same time I have to admit to revenge fantasies when somebody has hurt me although I try hard to not act on them and hope I have been successful. If your friend's situation is difficult and precarious, and she struggles to hold it together I can see how she would find it difficult if your own seems altogether too comfortable. I have often been in both the poorer category but as many times in the richer one, too. I find that there are people that take pot shots, who cannot bear somebody else having anything at all.. Rich people who cannot bear that a poorer one have even one thing that makes them advantaged--when they have it all. When I was leaving that last (stupid) job, there was envy of me, that I could leave. Some people feel they must work--when the reality is that they choose to see themselves as requiring x quantity of dollars, which is an arbitrary number, not always based upon necessity per se, but something altogether different. A very nice lady asked me "can I ask you how much retirement money you make?" I answered her. She responded: "Is that all?" The thing is, she feels trapped and cannot understand how I could assert my freedom when she would be afraid to. I do not think she wanted to hurt me. But it did sting. I felt put down or foolish or poor--when the reality was I was the object of envy. People are peculiar. Yes I have. Many. I am actually quite jaded now of friendships. I do not think it is financial difficulty per se that is giving your friend trouble. It sounds as if she is having trouble responding to the straits she is finding herself in. Not the straits themselves. She may have an ineffective, weak or lazy husband. She may not want to confront this reality. Maybe she does not want to be alone. And fears if she confronts it, she will risk her marriage. She may want to persist on believing herself (or presenting herself contrary to reality) to be privileged or well to do, when the reality is otherwise. Another woman could respond by saying to her husband and to herself: [I]Our circumstances have changed. We will downsize and call it a win. We have chosen simplicity. We are happier. [/I] For some reason, she cannot do this. I believe our responses to life shape us. Not the events alone, but how we understand and learn from them. What we choose. I see your friend as if caught in a storm at sea and she responds to one wave, and then another, and seems unable to arrive at an understanding of herself and her life or decide upon a course of action that she can hold to, that makes sense to her as honest and true. I do not believe that the problem is yours or really has anything to do with you, except that you have not figured out what your response should be to her flailing about. I do not think you have a role in this, except to tell the truth to yourself *and to her every time what she does or says hurts you or confuses you. Not in a mean or blaming or dramatic way. But simply. In the moment. I would not hold onto anything or suppress it because this is when resentment and other noxious feelings build up. [/QUOTE]
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