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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 699056" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>You know, Nomad, I am thinking about a couple of things here in my own life. One, what M said to me about that job: <em>You either change yourself or you leave it. You cannot change anybody else.</em></p><p></p><p>This seemed an entirely unsatisfactory thing for him to have told me, until from this, I found a response. I spoke up for myself. Not to change anybody or anything, but to declare my own truth. That is when I told the bosses, who I had gathered together: <em>This is a train wreck</em>. (By this I meant a set up. They provided no promised training or forms. I was undercut in every way as to not even begin.) I told them: <em>I will train myself. My condition is that you stop giving me new patients until I get my bearings.</em>With this I declared the truth of things. For me. I flatly declared them to be responsible for the mess, and accepted that they would do nothing to change it. I would. I wanted to work a few months. I had no expectation of them.</p><p></p><p>A couple of months later one of the bosses acted very, very unacceptably. He knew it. I knew it. He was wrong. He was forced to admit it to me some days later, but he had already acted horribly, in a way that I would never, ever accept. It was over for me.</p><p></p><p>When I gave him notice he asked me if something was wrong. I had decided the situation was unfixable FOR ME. I would not take responsibility to fix it. It mattered not at all to me to fix the blame where it belonged. What mattered was that I saw I was the responsible party for me. Not him. I knew I had to leave. Because I was unsafe in this job. I knew that not only did nobody have my back, I was actively in danger. I would be abandoned and scapegoated if something happened. I had to take responsibility for myself. I had to have my own back. With this, I could forgive all of them. I was nobody's victim. I realized I could only be my own victim.</p><p>You know this is interesting because I have always believed that people like this are the most vulnerable. They do not develop defenses against hurt and they have very false expectations about life. I feel for her.</p><p>I would try to see this in another way. What you did here was speak your own truth. You told her your point of view. What you spoke was not against her. The only potential adversary here is YOU. How might you be the adversary? By holding her responsible to protect you. By not taking responsibility for keeping yourself safe and doing what ever you need to do to speak up for yourself and what you believe.</p><p>Why would she apologize? There can be two different points of view of the same thing. To speak up for yourself is not to speak against her (or anybody else). I for one very easily go to dichotomies. Bad Good. Right Wrong. Victim Victimizer. When I do this by feeling wronged or victimized <em>by somebody else</em> I turn myself into a victim. Once I understood this, it made a big difference for me.</p><p>Now this is what I mean. With this outlook there remain two responsible adults in the room. Why does she need to accept guilt or responsibility? There does not have to be a bad guy. You are big enough to not need her to grovel. You are giving important information about who you are. To her, but most of all, to yourself.</p><p>The change will never come from somebody else. The change comes <em>in you.</em> In your sense of power in the world and in yourself. In your world.Which is really to say in yourself in relationship to the world. Never do we change anybody else.<em> M was right.</em></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 699056, member: 18958"] You know, Nomad, I am thinking about a couple of things here in my own life. One, what M said to me about that job: [I]You either change yourself or you leave it. You cannot change anybody else.[/I] This seemed an entirely unsatisfactory thing for him to have told me, until from this, I found a response. I spoke up for myself. Not to change anybody or anything, but to declare my own truth. That is when I told the bosses, who I had gathered together: [I]This is a train wreck[/I]. (By this I meant a set up. They provided no promised training or forms. I was undercut in every way as to not even begin.) I told them: [I]I will train myself. My condition is that you stop giving me new patients until I get my bearings.[/I]With this I declared the truth of things. For me. I flatly declared them to be responsible for the mess, and accepted that they would do nothing to change it. I would. I wanted to work a few months. I had no expectation of them. A couple of months later one of the bosses acted very, very unacceptably. He knew it. I knew it. He was wrong. He was forced to admit it to me some days later, but he had already acted horribly, in a way that I would never, ever accept. It was over for me. When I gave him notice he asked me if something was wrong. I had decided the situation was unfixable FOR ME. I would not take responsibility to fix it. It mattered not at all to me to fix the blame where it belonged. What mattered was that I saw I was the responsible party for me. Not him. I knew I had to leave. Because I was unsafe in this job. I knew that not only did nobody have my back, I was actively in danger. I would be abandoned and scapegoated if something happened. I had to take responsibility for myself. I had to have my own back. With this, I could forgive all of them. I was nobody's victim. I realized I could only be my own victim. You know this is interesting because I have always believed that people like this are the most vulnerable. They do not develop defenses against hurt and they have very false expectations about life. I feel for her. I would try to see this in another way. What you did here was speak your own truth. You told her your point of view. What you spoke was not against her. The only potential adversary here is YOU. How might you be the adversary? By holding her responsible to protect you. By not taking responsibility for keeping yourself safe and doing what ever you need to do to speak up for yourself and what you believe. Why would she apologize? There can be two different points of view of the same thing. To speak up for yourself is not to speak against her (or anybody else). I for one very easily go to dichotomies. Bad Good. Right Wrong. Victim Victimizer. When I do this by feeling wronged or victimized [I]by somebody else[/I] I turn myself into a victim. Once I understood this, it made a big difference for me. Now this is what I mean. With this outlook there remain two responsible adults in the room. Why does she need to accept guilt or responsibility? There does not have to be a bad guy. You are big enough to not need her to grovel. You are giving important information about who you are. To her, but most of all, to yourself. The change will never come from somebody else. The change comes [I]in you.[/I] In your sense of power in the world and in yourself. In your world.Which is really to say in yourself in relationship to the world. Never do we change anybody else.[I] M was right.[/I] [/QUOTE]
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