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peculiar friend
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 699090" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi Nomad. I agree with you to a large extent. With exceptions. I will speak for myself here. 1. While we can impose who we are, and our expectations of ourselves on others, I have found that the cost to myself and to my relationships, is really high. My mother told me this more than once: <em>If you expect the people around to be without problems or flaws you will be alone. </em>She was right. I lived most of my life more alone than I needed to be. 2. I for one, do not always live up to my expectations of others. I can think of more than one time when filled with shame for something I did or did not do, I could not apologize. It felt too frightening and horrible to expose myself that way. I would guess I am not alone in this. I might guess that your friend could be feeling as did I. After all she is holding the dyke which is her life together with her fingers and toes. How much ego strength does she really have left over to be accountable? We may judge her for this but why would we? Except, I have been quite judgmental of my sister. I am wondering if I was motivated to be so judgmental because of my own feelings of culpability and responsibility--or even failure.</p><p></p><p>What I am saying is this? What does it really cost us to both turn a cheek, and take an extra step? We are the winners each time. I am seeing this belatedly. I wish I had been big enough to see it before I and others had to pay such a price.</p><p></p><p>I learned this: If I hold others to my own standards, I am the one who is falling short. Because my own view of myself and my motivations is at imperfect.</p><p></p><p>I am re-reading your quote and I think I am not understanding. If I think somebody else is too sensitive or silly, where would be the need to apologize? What do I have to say about their own behavior? </p><p></p><p>I am thinking of M here who comes across very judgmental and critical. If he thinks I am too silly or emotional or foolish or any other thing--he has no filter. He tells me in detail. In the moment that I am aware of he seldom thinks of my feelings. He has never apologized for hurt feelings in the course of these interactions. If I expected an apology I would wait forever. I have learned to see the positive side of this--that I respect that he is unfiltered and that I always get the unvarnished truth. And that is true. One reason I value him so is because I trust his words. </p><p></p><p>When I first read your statement I read it as her responsibility to apologize for behavior that was hurtful. Whether the behavior was intentional or not. *She does not sound like a person who is deliberately hurtful from what you have written so far.</p><p></p><p>Either way, we have no control over whether somebody does anything at all or nothing at all with respect to us. None. To make specific standards is to set oneself up, I think. And potentially the other person.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 699090, member: 18958"] Hi Nomad. I agree with you to a large extent. With exceptions. I will speak for myself here. 1. While we can impose who we are, and our expectations of ourselves on others, I have found that the cost to myself and to my relationships, is really high. My mother told me this more than once: [I]If you expect the people around to be without problems or flaws you will be alone. [/I]She was right. I lived most of my life more alone than I needed to be. 2. I for one, do not always live up to my expectations of others. I can think of more than one time when filled with shame for something I did or did not do, I could not apologize. It felt too frightening and horrible to expose myself that way. I would guess I am not alone in this. I might guess that your friend could be feeling as did I. After all she is holding the dyke which is her life together with her fingers and toes. How much ego strength does she really have left over to be accountable? We may judge her for this but why would we? Except, I have been quite judgmental of my sister. I am wondering if I was motivated to be so judgmental because of my own feelings of culpability and responsibility--or even failure. What I am saying is this? What does it really cost us to both turn a cheek, and take an extra step? We are the winners each time. I am seeing this belatedly. I wish I had been big enough to see it before I and others had to pay such a price. I learned this: If I hold others to my own standards, I am the one who is falling short. Because my own view of myself and my motivations is at imperfect. I am re-reading your quote and I think I am not understanding. If I think somebody else is too sensitive or silly, where would be the need to apologize? What do I have to say about their own behavior? I am thinking of M here who comes across very judgmental and critical. If he thinks I am too silly or emotional or foolish or any other thing--he has no filter. He tells me in detail. In the moment that I am aware of he seldom thinks of my feelings. He has never apologized for hurt feelings in the course of these interactions. If I expected an apology I would wait forever. I have learned to see the positive side of this--that I respect that he is unfiltered and that I always get the unvarnished truth. And that is true. One reason I value him so is because I trust his words. When I first read your statement I read it as her responsibility to apologize for behavior that was hurtful. Whether the behavior was intentional or not. *She does not sound like a person who is deliberately hurtful from what you have written so far. Either way, we have no control over whether somebody does anything at all or nothing at all with respect to us. None. To make specific standards is to set oneself up, I think. And potentially the other person. [/QUOTE]
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