Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by helpme, Mar 15, 2010.
hey, how are things going?
Sorry, I haven't been posting since I got the rest. order 6 weeks ago. No word, he has not tried to contact me in any way as he will go to county jail. My older son text messages him occassionally, about mail he gets, upcoming court,etc. but he doesn't mention my name. He really has limited contact with either brother. Appatrently, he is ok,staying with friends, but I don't think he is doing much else. Knowing myself, I knew I looked on the surface to be handling it, but my blood pressure is high anyway, was controlled my medications, but I had to go to the doctor last week as I could feel it was high; was 150/90, so my doctor prescribed a new medication in addition to upping th dose on the other one I take. I will check it over the weekend as it should have gone down a lot. I still know it was the right decision, but I miss my child and feel fo rnow, he will never speak to me again. I did tell my older son, at some point, he might have to discuss with my youngest that he needs to deal with the whole issue and realize it was his fault, what he does is not acceptable to most people and he needs help. I have kept the text messages and looked at them again today, which I haven;t done since I went to court. Not sure if that is the best thing to do, but maybe I needed to remind myself it was not acceptable. I am sad, depressed and did not want it to come to this; it is exhausting..
Thanks so much for asking about me.
>My older son text messages him occassionally, about mail he gets,
upcoming court,etc. but he doesn't mention my name.
Its really good to leave a door of someone or someway for there to
be "information" passed. That one thing I have learned over the years.
So thank your older son for being a responsible child/brother/son etc.
>I still know it was the right decision, but I miss my child and feel fo rnow,
he will never speak to me again.
Yes, it may be many many years before they come around. Just remember
that you are not only are you trying to help your son, you are protecting
those near and close to him when you are not present. I'm sure I am
not the only one here who feels tremendous guilt for the actions of difficult child.
I spent way too much time trying to prevent difficult child from hurting others and
lost focus on my other children. I think I am in a stage now that I no
longer feel guilty about it all, I feel regretful ..I even looked up the word
as I was typing it ..
re·gret (r-grt)v. re·gret·ted, re·gret·ting, re·grets
v.tr.1. To feel sorry, disappointed, or distressed about.
2. To remember with a feeling of loss or sorrow; mourn.
v.intr. To feel regret.
n.1. A sense of loss and longing for someone or something gone.
2. A feeling of disappointment or distress about something that
one wishes could be different.
3. regrets A courteous expression of regret, especially at having
to decline an invitation.
Maybe this makes sense to you? I wished it was all different.
I was disappointed. I was not responsible.
For me, figuring that out was a major breakthrough.
>I did tell my older son, at some point, he might have to discuss with my
youngest that he needs to deal with the whole issue and realize it was his
fault, what he does is not acceptable to most people and he needs help.
Um...don't hold your breath on it. My difficult child was so enabled and so
self destructive, I was blamed for every future mistake and bad decision.
But I let that go as I learned to detach. I might have been one of the
luckier ones, since I had younger ones to teach throughout the experience.
For me, I taught the girls the word "remorse". It was a very big word to
teach an 8 and 13 yo. I left every door or opportunity open for difficult child to
be remorseful. To this day, I doubt he will ever be. I taught the girls
that it was up to them to decide forgiveness and or forgetfulness someday.
But that it was the word remorse and the showing of remorse that would
help them understand when/why/how/where to accept what had happened,
difficult child's behavior and so forth. Unfortunately for them/us, difficult child's behavior
got much worse.
But again, there are always signs of difficult child showing that he "knows" he
messed up. Public statements, facebook posts and the likes show that
he is not proud of who he has become. I pray that someone will enter
his life and show him a better way. Maybe your other son will be that
>I have kept the text messages and looked at them again today, which I
haven;t done since I went to court. Not sure if that is the best thing to do,
but maybe I needed to remind myself it was not acceptable.
Personally, I was keeping a journal by then. Personally, I was teaching
my daughters not to ever tolerate such behavior. Personally, I was
dealing with two battered little girls afraid of everything their brother did
toward them and to their friends. Embarrassment, Anger, Fear, & so on.
(i think i am trying to get you to see what may have come if you did not
act as you did-eh?)
>I am sad, depressed and did not want it to come to this; it is exhausting..
Anyone reading your posts can tell that you did not want it to be this way.
No mother would. I can say that from listening here, miracles do happen.
And if I had to bet, I'd bet that some miracle will happen for both of us.
>Thanks so much for asking about me.
I'm going to keep asking Take care, a day at a time.
It's so hard when our kids force us to take a stand, and then we have to stay at a distance and hope that they come to see the light. Hang in there.
So sorry you have been going through such pain. You did the right thing and please don't ever regret it. You ARE helping your son. In my opinion, reading over the text messages was a good idea to help you stay focused on the fact he needs help. Given time, we seem to forgot how painful an abusive conversation with our difficult child was, until the next one comes along. Such a vicious cycle. I admire you for taking one of the biggest, hardest steps ever to help your son. Hugs to you and your son.
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