Perfectionism-Other Oriented--Could this describe our young adults?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by AppleCori, May 18, 2015.

  1. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Could this be part of the personality make-up of SOME of our difficult child s?

    Just saw an article on this the other day, and found it interesting.

    It described three different types of perfectionism:

    self-oriented perfectionists--have an inner drive to attain perfection in themselves

    socially prescribed perfectionists--belief that others expect perfection from you

    other-oriented perfectionists--expect perfection from others but NOT themselves (many of our difficult child s?)

    It seems to me that many of our young adults have a warped view of what they should be doing/contributing to make their lives work and what they expect us/others to be doing on their behalf. And they have self-righteous anger when their expectations are not met by us or others.

    Some of them easily steal from us or others but are shocked/incensed when stolen from.

    Some of them want to be taken care of like children, yet don't take full responsibility for their own children, expecting us or others to take care of the needs while they spend their money on their personal 'wants' (which usually include drugs, alcohol and cigs).

    They feel free and entitled to rage at us for any real or perceived transgression, but fully expect us/others to not be hurt, offended or upset by their behaviors, words or actions.

    Their worldview does not allow for us to have valid opinions which differ from their own and they do not tolerate any perceived judgment or criticism of their worldview or lifestyle.

    How many, many people have come to this site at their wits end, emotionally, physically, sometimes financially drained by the demands of their adult kids. And yet, the young (or not so young) adults continue to demand, as if they are owed whatever they want.

    Anger and manipulation are characteristics of this trait.

    So, any thoughts?
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  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    is it possible to get a link to the article?
  3. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I don't see it anymore. I think it was on Yahoo or MSN last week or so.

    There is an article called 'What Flavor of Perfectionist Are You?' that has some descriptions of the three types, though it only really discusses the other two types.

    It suggests a book 'The No A__hole Rule' but this seems to be about co-worker situations primarily.
  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Spot on!!

    I could put a picture of my son next to your description. Fits him to a T.
  5. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    This describes my son.

    I would be interested to read that article if you find it again!
  6. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    Applecori -- Much of what you said definitely resonates with our son. He was so "perfectionistic" by the time he was 7. He was upset that his penmanship wasn't as good as another classmates and went from good cheer to extreme self-doubt in 10 seconds or less. Really. That fast. This trait still dogs him. Over the years, he has come to make excuses or intentionally choose bowing out of activities before he is "found out" as a failure. I think it's what led him to drugs so early.......... He could both "not care" and "have an excuse".

    Unfortunately, the drug road has brought additional issues to the forefront. I think our son is most prone to these aspects you listed, below. May sound odd, but I think our son vacillates dramatically between the 2 aspects below. Perhaps that's somewhat attributable to his bipolar diagnosis, also.

  7. jetsam

    jetsam Active Member

    yup that would be my son too! amazing
  8. TAnne

    TAnne New Member

    I'd pinpoint the parts that describe my daughter exactly, but I'd just be quoting the majority of the post. Quite interesting!