Personal Question

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by nvts, Oct 8, 2009.

  1. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Have any of you gone to marriage counseling alone and had it help your marriage?

  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I went to counseling the last couple of years of my marriage. What it helped me to do was clarify my feelings and my goals. It helped me release a lot of frustration.

    Did it help my marriage?


    Did it help me?


    I'm sorry that you seem to be at the juncture, Beth.

  3. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    husband and I went at two different junctures in our marriage and found to be incredibly helpful
    The caveat is that both parties have got to be in agreement in terms of compromise and coping mechanisms
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My therapy isnt marriage counseling per se but she sees us both from time to time. I dont know that it has done us any good but we are still together 3 years after I started going to
  5. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I am curious about this too. I have gone to counseling alone, and have been wondering about marriage counseling.
  6. Lori4ever

    Lori4ever New Member

    All it did for me was know that I need the courage to end it. He only went twice and refused to go again. I'm sorry you're in this position.
  7. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Ditto all the replies. It did not help my marriage, but it helped me make the decisions I knew I needed to make for myself.

    Probably the most helpful thing for me was going through a program sponsored by my church called Divorce Care. It was a group setting. Each week we had to journal our thoughts and were given a task. Probably the single most thing that I was in denial of was that I was not just hurt but incredibly angry. Anger is not something that comes easy for me. That was a process. Still going through that.

    That being said, I'm still with H, but we're just roommates for a variety of reasons...mostly financial and immediate family health issues.

    I'm sorry Beth that you have to be thinking about this, but it might help you 'uncloud' your thoughts.

    Finally, think about when you are an empty nester. Once the kids are gone it's just you and husband. I had this fairy tale thought that we could do all the things you can't when kids are around...but I couldn't think of anything I wanted to do with him, nor he could with me. We just kind of stared at each other.


  8. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I would imagine that taking into account the myriad of changes to your home life this past, any counseling would be a good thing.

    However, marriage counseling usually only helps those marriages where both parties attend and fully cooperative in making the necessary changes it takes to make things work.

    H and I are currently in marriage counseling together. I went alone for a few sessions and it helped me to decide whether or not I wanted to give my marriage another try. I did and at that point, we invited H to join with me on the twice monthly appts. He's attended and it's helped, but we've reached a plateau. He's not willing or is in denial about digging a bit deeper to resolve the trust issues he has (over all, not with me so much) and all he does in session is talk about work. I would be happier if he scratched the surface a bit more and explore alternative ways in finding healthy coping skills as well as try to see things from my perspective.

    One thing to look for in a counselor is one who isn't afraid to call you out on YOUR behavior and attitudes as well as those of your H's. For me, that was the most helpful in making me see what changes I had to work on rather than feeling justified that H was the wrong, Know what I mean??

    Anyway, I hope it all works out and I too am sorry that you find yourself in this position. Hugs~
  9. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    My husband is not one to talk about his feelings and I could never, EVER see him attending counseling to save his marriage....

    However, he is on the road a lot for work and often enjoys listening to books instead of music while he drives. He WILL listen to books about relationships....

    One book he "read" was Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and I noticed a HUGE difference in our relationship after he began understanding things from a woman's perspective. These days, he recommends the book to all of his male friends who are having marriage troubles.

    If your mate is not the "counseling" type--maybe it is OK that he does something he's a little more comfortable with? I know my husband would start by recommending that your husband read that book....

    Don't give up just yet!

  10. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I have been with my XH once, he only went "to shut [me] up". But the other sessions gave me the faith and courage in myself to get the heck outta Dodge.

    husband has gone with me a few times to my reg counselor, once he got full legal custody and that big hurdle was cleared we started noticing a bunch of nitpicky things. So it did help.

    But - marriage counseling - doesn't work if just one person goes. For a marriage to work, both parties have to give 150%. Nobody can do it all themselves.

    HUGS - and luck to you.
  11. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    I went to marriage counselling alone, after my now ex-H dropped out. As others have said, it clarified my thoughts and feelings, and gave me strength to leave a very bad situation.

    My current therapist is not a marriage counsellor, but we discuss mr relationship, which has helped me to strengthen it.

    Beth, we're here for you whatever you need and whatever is going on. Sending many hugs your way.

  12. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Another vote for counseling, even if alone.

    You can't fix it all alone, but you can strengthen it, and that may be enough. Or it may not. Either way, a counselor can help YOU figure out what YOU can do.
  13. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Best book ever. It's just getting them to read it.

  14. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I tried this years ago and no it didn't help my marriage. in my humble opinion when only one of a partnership is seeking improvement it never works. -rm
  15. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Thanks guys. It's been a real barrel of laughs around here. Just about ready to jump! No (before any of you quietly wonders - lol) it's not post partum. I'm having a ball with the Weeble and the kids (albeit not perfectly) are really enjoying school.

    I need to make some major decisions. I've decided to be pleasant in front of the kids but I'm trying to "detatch" from husband.

    I'm truly not sure what to do.

    On one hand, I took vows before God and family til death do us part so I'm trying to decide which of the Big 10 God will forgive. Thou shalt not kill or thou shalt not commit adultery (or be alone for the rest of my life - which doesn't sound like a terrible option!).

    This goes on every couple of years for 16 years. I just don't want to deal with it anymore.

    On the other hand, the kids have been through so many transitions, I worry that taking action could truly unhinge difficult child 1. Conversely, he's sick of being rejected.

    Lost and confused am I!

  16. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Me, too.

    I was married for 25 years, together for 27. I was so ANGRY with Rob and husband (for not supporting me) that escape was the relief I sought.

    Beth, I don't regret my decision. It's been over 5.5 years. I was a great wife and I liked being part of a couple, even exdh would (and has) agree.

    But don't kid yourself. It's hard to be alone. It's lonely. (And there are definite advantages, too. ;) ) I needed to see my counselor to help me sort through those things to figure out what to do.

    exdh and I also went to a "marriage counselor." What a joke that was. I wrote exdh a single spaced letter with things that were upsetting me about our marriage. The "marriage counselor" read my letter, told exdh that this was what he needed to do if he wanted to save his marriage, exdh "choked" as he always did with emotional issues and didn't say anything, so the "marriage counselor" released us.

    What a crock.

    Try to take a break this weekend and do something fun FOR YOU, then revisit this next week.