He lives in south FL, Palm Beach county(a good place for him as it's pretty much the 'US hub' of AA/sober houses/halfway houses/rehab oppurtunities). Husband (his SF since he was 8) and I moved in 2012 one state away. That really pi*sed him off. He had been living with his paternal GM (who has enabled his alcoholic bio father for forever). Shortly after we moved, he went on a 3day drinking/drug bender with a friend and together they did something that landed them both in jail for close to a year. He got out and went back to paternal GM's house. Also in the house with GM, is her long time best friend-a woman, whom my son had issues with.When GM's 2nd husband died around 1994ish, this old best friend (single) moved in to help her financially and just for support. He claimed this woman was jealous of him and his GM's relationship and I believe he was on and off hostile to said woman. Creating tension in the home. Stayed clean for around 6-8 mos after jail (had to, was on probation) and then back to the same old same old-drinking, drugs, marijuana, etc. Verbally abusive, not able to hold a job due to etoh/drug use, etc, not following her house rules, etc. etc. In March, he totaled a car, as he had been on another drinking bender as he had JUST lost a job & has issues with handling of stress. Somehow, he got off that accident without a DUI! In August, he got a large insurance check from that accident and thus, in my opinion, the GM felt it was a safe and good time to kick him out. So, the GM/friend had had it and put his stuff on the front porch one day, changing the lock code. Mind you, they are pretty much supporting his bio father as well. Who bounces around between them, his older, divorced sister, an occasional apt that the GM pays for just to get him out of her hair, & Columbia-the country(his brother, my son's uncle owns a condo there?)-which is where bio father currently is. After kicked out, son was homeless and couch surfing. I helped from afar by charging/paying for a hotel room here and there for him. He did have a job delivering food, which ironically he obtained within a week of being kicked out. Eventually, with my help, he got a room to rent via Craiglist. That one didn't work out, but he is in his 2nd room now, this is the 2nd month. It seems to be an 'ok' situation, I guess. Well, one day last week, he either lost his job completely or the take out place owner downgraded his hours significantly. He called me on Monday evening, sounded tipsy and told me that she cut his hours. However, he is not always forthcoming with the whole truth and in my opinion, she fired him. Whenever something happens, a stressor or negative event, he goes on drinking 'benders'. He cannot seem to cope. When he does this, it sets him back even farther. The March accident happened within a week after he got fired..the 'bender' caused the car wreck where his vehicle (that we had JUST given him, for FREE) was totaled. Last June, I had made him a psychiatric appointment and he actually went. I 'think' (again, don't get whole truths) he was diagnosed with bipolar. He was put on 2 medications. He tried them and he sounded SO much more normal! One thing about him is that he hates taking RX medications. He will take all kinds of illegal substances, but won't stay on a medication that can HELP him. Very frustrating! About a month ago, he quit the medications, with a lot of protesting from me. He said they made him feel doped up and he had trouble getting up in the mornings. I think he was taking them too late at night, so that side effect could've been possibly alleviated. At the time he quit the RX's, he also had 2wks of sobriety and was attending AA mtgs. He got his white chip, (a marker of one's 1st day of sobriety, I think?) Even began talking about moving in to a sober house. Then, relapse. Boom. A 36hr bender, which started with him going to a local ale house and having some beers with-an old HS friend. He was able to pick himself back up and tried sobriety again. Boom. Last week his boss either fired him or demoted his hours. Right now, currently as of last night, he's on another bender. I have to say this one is milder as he's not being verbally abusive to me as usual. But, last night he left a VM (I cringed when I saw his call come in and couldn't pick up). At the end, he mentioned something like 'if I cannot be the real me, the real person then I don't think I want to live'. I called him right back, of course as this caused my heart to pound in my chest. The 1st thing he said (in his voice which sounded like he was on SOMEthing, etoh? drugs?) was 'did you listen to my voicemail?' I am not sure why but I lied and told him 'no'. He said 'well, listen to it then call me back'. I said, 'I don't need to listen to your VM, I have you on the phone right now, just talk to me.' He said 'no, just listen to my VM then call me back.' Does this sound like he was trying to scare me? Manipulate me? Anyways, I waited a minute then I called him back. We had a 15 minute conversation where he basically said the same things he ALWAYS SAYS when he is drunk. Either he says these things in a calm manner OR he says them in an alcoholic RAGE. *had a horrible childhood *never felt like he belonged in family *family is everything, he has never had one *says he and I fought (we did, because he was belligerent and verbally abusive to me) *says his SF (stepfather) was too rigid (SF/my hub is super calm, non-confrontational, but is old fashioned in that he is big on respect, something my son failed to show either of us, so from time to time, they had arguments...usually tied to something very rude that my son would say to either myself or hub) *says his bio father is a drunk *says the woman who lives with-GM hates him & is jealous of him & GM's relationship and that she wanted him out of the house *says that we (hub/me) left him down in FL to rot, abandoned him (he was 20 at the time & at height of abusing) *says he is apathetic *says he is too deep/intuitive for this world and all it's problems (humanity) *blames everybody and everything for all his woes/problems! NO accountability, ever *brings up how I called 911 on him when he was 20 (this was shortly before we moved out of state & was reason for another short stint he had in jail) and 'ruined his criminal record' (he was so doped up on DXM and who knows what else that night, I was fearful for his life...he was talking to a tree and trying to walk away from house toward a major roadway, so yes, I called 911, for paramedic, however police also showed up. He did not want them to baker act him so he began fighting them when they tried to get him to consent to ER visit-got charged with battery on LEO-but that was OUR FAULT, he says. Still brings it up OFTEN) *brings up how (one of the times we kicked him out-he was 18) what horrible parents we were to kick him out for having MJ in his room, which he did repeatedly, way after my husband asked him to NOT have drugs in our home & warned him of the impending request to leave if found again. He ignored and kept doing it. And says how 'pot is legal in almost every state now! but you guys kicked me out for it!' I might be missing some of his 'verbal and blaming everybody mantra' that he goes through when he's under the influence of etoh. I have to add that the one bender I mentioned that he had after being sober for 2wks, he was raging at me on the phone. I mean RAGING. For 2 days. I trembled at the thought of seeing his phone # on my phone. He totally raged on myself, my husband and his GM and that woman-her friend. He said that he hated us, that he's only nice to me because he needs me to help him. He was screaming at me, demanding that I put my hub on the phone (he was in bed sleeping!) because he wanted to 'tell him to get my name off his arm, or I will remove it!' (hub has the 3 kids names tattooed on his arm! Son was so raging that he was saying CRAZY things about how hub put 'his' name on his arm, when he's not even his real father! He was slurring and intoxicated, yes, for several days. I was scared to death that he would have a serious auto wreck. In fact, in the middle of the several day rage, I texted him several times something like 'STOP! do not get in that car and drive like this! You will end up in jail or worse! But, thankfully, after he came out of it, he told me he stayed in his room during the bender. This time, this current bender he's on, I've only talked to him like 3 times and he's very mellow compared to that one. He is not saying such things, this time he is saying things like 'humanity sucks/he is too deep/he is too apathetic/he feels no joy' etc. I remind him that he is in control of changing, that anyone can change if they want to, that perhaps he needs to go back to psychiatric MD, he should try church/higher power, he need to go back to AA and this time get a SPONSOR which he totally resists for some crazy reason. My husband totally tried to be a role model for him, son was 4 when we met! Son never would accept him as his SF. Hub tried and tried. Would sit on floor with son and played video games with him, tried to bond, even defended son when I would reprimand him for something. In meantime, his bio father was local and MISSING (MIA) in his life! That was painful for son! I almost think he has SO much anger at the bio father, but WE are receiving it! Some boys are ok with a missing father, some NEED IT! My son, I feel, was one of those who dearly needed his father to CARE about him. BE with him, TAKE him for his weekends/holidays! Didn't happen. My son was an arguer, still is. He always thinks he's right. Even at young age, 8ish and up. He was argumentative, he went over the line often. I still can hear my mother (RIP) saying to him when she'd be out with us, '******(name), know when to stop...you're going to get in trouble'. She meant 'know when to let things go, you're arguing with your mom'. Son and I did have these go arounds and as he got older (13+), his arguing turned into very disrespectful confrontations. Most days, right when he walked in the door after school most days, he would be so mean to me, to where I was crying and called my hub at work to talk to him. Son, apparently resented this (me calling hub and then hub intervening). My hub did tell me 'you made that 1st mistake of letting him get you to tears...now it will never stop.' Well, he was right. To this day, he can be VERY condescending...even calling me by my real name, not mom. I tried to make sure that he never felt pushed aside, after the marriage, I even would side with son sometimes when he would try and cause division between hub and I. Which fueled things in a not so good way. While pregnant and after his 2 siblings were born (he was 12 & 14 with their births) I became more intense with giving him attention, asking him if there was anything bothering him, making sure he didn't feel jealousy. However, at this point he was now smoking mj and doing things he shouldn't have been. He became rebellious, listening to very negative, almost satanic music. Still, local bio dad missing in action. He abuses marijuana, klonopin and alcohol. I truly don't know who the real son is. He started smoking pot in middle school. It went downhill from there. He has serious issues with past regrets, anger, resentments. I think that the etoh brings it out. Bottomline for this post is. I am scared to death for him. I feel helpless but there is nothing I can do, right? My hub says to let him go, that I have done everything possible to help him. Says I need to let him find his way. I have to say that since the GM kicked him out in August, he has done way better than I anticipated! Out on his own. I saw growth but I also see him self setting self back. Benders harm him, and have taken several jobs now. I'm not even sure of his living situation right now. Is he still in that room? When he goes on benders, he tends to roam around town. Not safe. Nothing I have said or done, does he listen to. HE doesn't take life advice, thinks he has all the answers. That, or cannot handle thought of future as it's too stressful. Stick head in sand. I fear he is so depressed and that something detrimental will happen to him. OR that he would go ahead and do something fatal. Either because of intoxication or intentional. On top of the worry, I have moderate to severe anxiety issues. It kills me that my son is self defeating. I just want him to be happy. He is super intelligent, gifted IQ and had/has desire to go, finish college! He's attempted 3 times to take classes but flunks out or quits mid semester. I need help on how to let go. Last night, I went upstairs and collapsed on the floor in tears, pleading to God, help my son......please help.my.son. I know you women will help here. I am so grateful to have found this forum. Thank you all in advance.