Phew on his way back

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by toughlovin, Nov 15, 2011.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Hi all,

    Well the court date is over and my son is on his way back. Phew!!! I have many mixed feelings. on the other hand things did not go like I worried they would, difficult child was sober this morning, did not get arrested and court went very well. Basically there was a good disposition today and he will not have to come back for another court date. That is very good and a big relief. on the other hand I did question him more about the spice thing and I think this time he was honest with me. He got a real cynical attitude which really worries me. It seems like he recognizes he has some underlying issues he needs help with and those are the reasons he uses drugs, but he does not seem to really get the fact that he has a serious drug problem. This worries me a great deal... and my hope is that at least a part of him does see it, but that he sees me as so rigid on the non drug use side that he plays up this attutide in part to get my goat. That is my hope but I suspect he really is in denial about the level of his drug problem.... which makes me think he is going to screw up again... and if he does he will be homeless far away from home.

    And I think the girlfriend may be somewhat back in the picture which worries me a lot too.... because she is what brought him back last time and that was a disaster. Gosh I wish she would just end it for once and for all.

    And our relationship is difficult. I mean we did not have any major fights or anything. He is polite and thanks us for things we do.... but really we do not really know what to say to each other. In a way we don't really want to spend time together. I like to see him, and get a look at him, but the time togehter is pretty uncomfortable and that makes me just plain sad. I don't see a way back from that without some really major therapy on his part. I mean bottom line is he is not comfortable with us really.

    And my husband left on a business trip so I feel lonley with my worries and thoughts tonight. The bottom line for me though is I think I am resigned to whatever will happen will happen. We really have done all we can at this point. We helped him get out of this legal crisis, helped him get into treatment and to a place where he has supports.... and now it really is up to him. Completely... and if he ends up homeless I need to just let it happen.

    Ugh... I am hoping with support down there and I think his sincere wish to work on the underlying issues that he will get the help he needs.

    But it just makes me feel very unsettled.

  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TL first of all a big sigh of relief that today went well and he is on his way back.

    I understand the unsettled feeling very well. My husband travels frequently too and I hate those times when I feel anxious about difficult child and he isn't home. I have my worries about my difficult child too because I found out today that she didn't go for her drug test for her new job until yesterday but she told us she went over a week ago. Of course my mind wanders and I figure she didn't go because she had done drugs and needed the extra time to get clean. She swears she didn't but I will never know. She lies about everything all the time so we can't ever believe anything she says.

    It would worry me that he thinks spice is ok. He hasn't accepted that he is an addict and that any drug is bad. Does he think he can drink alcohol? I think one of the reasons why your relationship is so strained is because he knows he has not accepted the program completely and he knows you can see through him. You are right though, you have done all you can and the rest is up to him. You have given him an opportunity to start fresh. I hope he takes it.

    So now it's your turn to go on with your life and find peace and enjoy doing things for yourself and your husband and easy child again without constantly worrying or thinking about him. I know it's easier said then done. difficult child just started her new job today and if she loses this one she will be homeless, no sober home to fall back on. There is no reason to believe she can keep this job any better than all the others she has had and been fired from.

    Find somerthing to keep your mind busy tonight. If we lived closer I would come for a visit.

  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Glad some things are settled. Just a little bit of your mind. Now hoping things move forward in a postive direction for him. Thinking of you, Buddy
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TL...I think sometimes we just get that niggling feeling inside that something isnt right and normally we are right but sometimes we arent and sometimes its just that we are so used to being on the edge with these kids all the time that we dont know how to live without the stress and drama. I know for a long time I couldnt settle without knowing if Cory was home at night. Even when he was living away. I worried. I was always afraid of what was happening with him. Now? Not so much. Its that shoe ready to drop thing.
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thank you for all your support....

    Yeah Janet I feel like that shoe is hanging by frayed shoelace and I am hoping he puts it on his foot instead of letting it drop!!!

    Nancy - you are so right about it all. It is time to live my life. However tonight I find myself wallowing a bit... I hope tomorrow I can get back to my life after hopefully a good nights sleep.

    I think what is getting to me is that I have this bad feeling that he is going to screw up at the sober house and get kicked out... and I keep imagining the phone call and the conversation we will have to have where I say go to a homeless shelter, or go to the police station to find out where it is, or call your sponser, or anything that I might say except we will rescue you.

    I know it is time to let it go and for us to be done helping. I am just afraid of what will happen if we do that.... but I know we must.

    And I am hoping Janet is right and that I am thinking of the worst but that something sunk in today and he will get it enough to stay out of trouble and not get kicked out. He has had the experience of going to jail and of having no place to live... and I know he does not want either of those experiences again so hopefully that will motivate him to do the right things.

  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think those of us who are dealing with addiction in our family all fear that phone call. I know I do and so does Kathy and PG and you. We are all terrified of getting that call where we have to tell our child that there is nothing we can do, that we can't help them. The only thing worse than hearing your child say "I have no place else to go" is to have to say "you can't come here."

    Tomorrow will be better. You will be stronger and he will be one more day in a sober house to figure things out.

  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think most of our kids know that they cannot come home again. I mean there are all unique circumstances that we would take them back under but most are different for all of us. Mine are if Cory became completely physically disabled. Unable to move. I would bring him home. I couldnt think of him out there paralyzed in a chair and not being able to survive, just couldnt do it. others of you will have different things that will make send you rushing to save them. I think that is the same thing for all my kids though...that and the economy completely tanking so badly that everyone lost their homes and we were they one paid for house. I do expect that the others would have the gumption to figure a way to at least add on to this place because it would get crowded real fast.

    Other than that, once they leave, I dont want any of them back again. Nice to see ya, i love you, but i do not want you for a whole long
  8. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Well i a no longer sad now i am just mad. I got a call from the sober house and they could not find him at the airport and he was not answering his phone! I called then girlfriend, no answer.So i texted her....a few minutes later he called me, he never got on the plane!! He changed his flight to Thursday. I told him he better call the sober house. I have no idea if they will take him back after this and i would not blame them. I think i am done for a while. I have no idea what will happen but i dont think it will be good.

  9. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Oh crud. just Oh no, and hugs...
  10. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TL I'm sorry, just really really sorry.

  11. buddy

    buddy New Member

  12. AHF

    AHF Member

    Not getting on the plane is apparently not unusual. Peter Pan's last psychiatric ward asked me to fly a 2000-mile round trip in 16 hours just to pick him up and transport him to the next phase (which failed anyhow)--all because they suspected he would not get on the plane if not accompanied, and paying for one of them to accompany would have broken the bank completely. I would not do the same if asked again. He doesn't get on the plane? He can sleep in the airport and negotiate with the airport police.
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im sorry, I dont think I am really helpful with the addiction issues since I havent actually had to deal with them. I have been trying to sympathize but I dont think I am coming across very well. I want to help but I dont think I am. From now on I will just keep my support to hugs so I dont offend.
  14. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The rollercoaster ride is maddening, I know. Just when you think you can breathe a sigh of relief because they dodged one bullet, they do something utterly self-defeating and you're on the ride again. It's why I've become really jaded when it comes to my kids, unfortunately. I'm afraid to get too excited about the positive things that happen, because inevitably they crash and burn again eventually. I've just grown numb to it all. Which is really sad, but, it's my own survival mechanism.

    I know that's not very helpful, but your post about him missing the plane, so soon after a hopeful post ... just hit home with me, big time. I'm sorry you're on the rollercoaster again.
  15. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thanks all.... and Janet you are helpful. I have never found anything you said offensive and if I somehow indicated such that is the problem with online communication. My son is a difficult child through and through, addiction just adds to it... but he would be a difficult child without the drugs... so your comments are helpful.

    I really expected him to get on the plane, he always has before!! Did he really have to have me go through the trouble of drving him in... he could have had the guts to tell me straight out he wasn't going back yesterday.

    As far as the rollercoaster ride. I am trying to get off the rollercoaster.. he will keep riding it and dragging me along but I am mad enough I may just get off myself.

  16. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    It's raining shoes lately.

    let us k now how it goes and I will be thinking of you...{{{hugs}}}
    Lasted edited by : Nov 16, 2011
  17. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I will be surprised if he actually goes back to be honest. If he did actually change the ticket then the girlfriend paid the change fee which i think is $100.

    I am trying to steel myself to be cool not just accomodate him next time he needs something...and i will take bets on long it will be until he calls needing something.

  18. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It's so true that just as we think one thing is settled and we can breath, they do something else to put us right back down at the bottom. It was very selfish of him to do that to you. Why can't they just be honest, they know we are going to find out. And what is with his girlfriend. Then she can help him the next time he needs it. I am angry for you. He is so much like my difficult child, and I thought they broke the mold with her. If they put half the effort into their recovery than they do in trying to deceive us they would be so much better off.

    I think this tells you that his drug addiction is more serious than he admits and he just isn't willing to give it up. When my difficult child has pulled something like this I let husband handle her calls, I backed away and withdrew myself. It was too emotional for me and I just made things worse. He was able to detach more and be less confrontational but at the same time he was more assertive and he didn't let her get to him like she could get to me. It's good to be angry right now, it will help protect you.

    Again I am so sorry he has blown a chance once again to get help.

  19. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    TL - you are starting to feel like a close friend - so I probably got too familiar and I need to make sure I am using my own filter! I edited my initial response because it was too much surmising on my part...and I really apologize if I added to your worry.

    My mom does that to me all the time and I HATE it- I am so sorry I raised further concerns...

    add "turning into my mother" to my list of ways my day (week, month year) is going wrong...LOL

    still {hugs}}}
  20. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Signorina your original response was not dumb. We ARE close friends here. I am willing to bet that TL has said the same things to herself that you said to her. Like I've said so many times when on this rollercoaster, this is no way to live. But live we must so we ride up and down with our difficult child's. When they are getting help we feel hopeful, when they are relapsing we are devastated and angry.

    TL we are all thinking of you.