Phone call from my son

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by in a daze, Oct 4, 2013.

  1. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Got home from the hospital Wednesday. Told staff he didn't need any prescriptions. Said he had refills. Not true. Needed one for new medication, Zyprexa. Good thing I checked. However, should have made them write for everything. No refills on lithium. Zoloft probably increased. Lamictal remained the same. Nurse said, "your son is an adult." Yes. An immature, mentally ill adult with ADHD.

    Clueless addiction unit nurse concluded that medication list from psychiatric unit was what he came from home with? What psychiatric unit doesn't change or increase the medications on a patient? I'm a hospital nurse and I would never send my patient out with such a messed up discharge. No final report on neuropsychologist report. Called halfway house while difficult child at Walgreens, they were not expecting him till next day. I did call the social worker to tell her I was not happy. The discharge was rushed because insurance was balking on paying for more days. difficult child said he felt stable and calm.

    So he calls me, leaves message yesterday. Severe anxiety with restlessness. Called office, left number of psychiatrist and Walgreens. Communication can be difficult as cell phones are not allowed unless at work or on job hunt and pay phone at house always busy signal.

    Then calls me today. Extreme anxiety, "blackouts with flashbacks" related to his delusions? He has had trouble remembering the events which led up to his hospitalization and maybe thinks some things which were delusions actually happened...he has expressed that the other clients were messing with him in various ways...don't know if this really happened or not and maybe the anxiety is related to this.

    So he asks me, "What should I do"? I said to him, "You can try deep breathing, yoga, distracting yourself with other activities. Call psychiatrist, you have number for Walgreens. Do you need to go to ER? He says, "No, it's not that bad yet". But he's making it sound really bad. I said to him, "So what were you thinking I could do for you? He didn't really have an answer. He didn't call me again today, thank God, as he used house tech's cell phone, no access to his own phone.

    So I don't quite know what to make of all this, although in the past I would have been on the phone to p-doctor, stressing out, etc. I guess I'm starting to detach a bit.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have a mentally ill son. A few things I know: In spite of being mentally ill, unless he is inpatient in a hospital, he is still the one who is going to have to keep his medication straight and take it on time. He will be treated as any other adult. Is it realistic? No. Another option is trying to get guardianship over your son so that you can make decisions for him and staff will talk to you and treat him as if he is still a minor. If he doesn't want you to have guardianship, that could be a problem. It's a legal procedure.

    Other than that, there is nothing you or I can do. We can curse the system that threw the mentally ill into the streets and took away so many free services, but that isn't going to help our adult children or ourselves. Unless your son wants you undivided help and is willing to work like a soldier to quit using recreational drugs, there is nothing you can do, not even support him. I am sort of in the same situation, although my son is not going to kill himself by drugs...just maybe by his own hand.

    Although for me this degree of having to detach from an adult child who is THIS sick is new to me, if I don't do it, I will be the one who ends up in the hospital and my son will be no better off and the others w ho need me will not have me at my best. I suggest you do nice things for yourself and take care of YOU as well as spend quality time with those who are functional and loving and not making bad choices. Your life goes life goes on...regardless of our adult child's problems and we need to live that life that is going on.

    I'm sorry you are going through this. It is very difficult, I know. The things you told your son to do would work well for YOU too. I do meditation (really helpful), try hard to do mindfulness, and exercise an awful lot. I do all my normal activities even though my son gets angry because "You're always gone and I can't reach you." We adult parents can not ruminate about these adult children 24/7. Feel good about enjoying yourself in spite of this adult child. Focus on YOU :)
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    IAD, I'm sorry. I do know how difficult this is. I do think your response is another level of the detachment process, you're not handling every single thing for him in the hopes that you can avoid a disaster or wherever his choices lead him. Your response was a good one. Although I understand not without angst too.

    I agree with MWM, stay focused on yourself now. He is making his way through his own life. I like your response, "what were you thinking I could do for you?" As I systematically stopped responding to my daughter in the old way, one step at a time, she stopped involving me in every aspect of her life. It took time. It was like a re-training program............I can see that in retrospect better because as I was going through it, it was emotional and difficult.............but like you, I just kept my responses neutral and consistent. I did not respond to the drama nor the there is no drama, there are no requests.

    None of this is easy IAD. But it does get easier. You've provided him with all the tools necessary for his possible evolution out..............but he has to take them and make something out of them. Hang in there. One step at a time. Sending big hugs and sincere wishes that in the midst of all of this, you find peace.
  4. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I heard on Dr. Drew recently something about guardianship. They were talking about Amanda Bynes. Gaurdianship is for a mentally ill adult. A child is still a child so would not need a guardian, the parent is in charge. But an adult, like your son, who is mentally ill doesn't have to agree to you being his guardian. You can just go and apply for that. I don't know anything other than what Dr. Drew said. You do have to go through the court. He needs his medication, he could have a seizure if he suddenly goes off these medications. If he doesn't have refills, talk to the doctor who originally put him on them, he can't just "run out".
  5. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Thanks RE , and MWM. I just got back from my twin niece and nephew's christening. My daughter and two of my nephews were the godparents. The party after wards was great fun! Helps to detach when you have social activities.

    I don't know if it's quite to the level of him needing me to be a guardian, UAN, but I have brought up to him the idea of being in a group home (as an implied threat). He says he wants to be independent. Time will tell.