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Phone Calls from 34yo starting up again
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 663570" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>This is a healthy approach to take, Seeking. I think it will help you too to have rehab and treatment center and Social Services numbers to give your son. Know the number of the shelter in your area, and where the food shelves and soup kitchens are. If your son believes he will not find the kind of welcome and support he believes himself entitled to, I think he will not come. </p><p></p><p>I would text those numbers to him with no other comment except "I love you." </p><p></p><p>Here again, extended family will play its nefarious part. </p><p></p><p>If they encourage him to bring his addiction home, they should be made to take him on until he is better. Extended family invariably disappears once the going gets tough ~ and when we are dealing with an addiction, the going always gets tough. </p><p></p><p>I am sure you and D H have researched treatment centers. Send for their pamphlets to give your son and to the members of your families. </p><p></p><p>You are neither helpless nor heartless. </p><p></p><p>You know your situation, and you know what you are doing and why. You understand, though your extended family does not, that helping an addict morphs into enabling. Enabling morphs into blaming our own children for the dirtiness and filth their addictions revolve around and consist of. </p><p></p><p>That is uglier even than what now exists, for all of you.</p><p></p><p>I am convinced that addiction breaks first integrity. Then, the capacity for empathy. Then, there is the kind of hatred so many of us see in our addicted kids.</p><p></p><p>These are not things we can love them out of.</p><p></p><p>As COM posts to us, addiction is a terminal disease.</p><p></p><p>It is heartbreaking enough without having extended family in the thick of things, grinding whatever axes are theirs to grind.</p><p></p><p>You know, and extended family don't ~ not yet anyway ~ that a portion of their scathing judgment of you and D H comes from their certainty that they could change this. If they do help/enable your child, if they do encourage him to bring his addiction home, it is a true and certain thing that they will dump responsibility for him back on to you once, having enabled him in the first place, they are confronted with his addicted, needy, amoral self. The difference is they will dump him with consciences free and clear as birds in flight.</p><p></p><p>After all, they did, in their wonderfulness and generosity, offer their help while you were busy talking about something called "enabling" and turning him away.</p><p></p><p>!</p><p></p><p>You don't have that option.</p><p></p><p>You will be judged either way. If your son does beat his addiction, you will be judged because he ever had it.</p><p></p><p>It is not unusual that an addiction in one member destroys extended family. You are not alone in that aspect of things, either.</p><p></p><p>But you do have us, and you do know we believe in you and even, in the possibility that your son can hit bottom and come back.</p><p></p><p>I believe it for mine.</p><p></p><p>I believe it for yours.</p><p></p><p>So far, mine keeps going back. That doesn't mean I don't love him. That doesn't mean I don't believe him.</p><p></p><p>But it does mean he cannot come home.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Ha! I was just going to post, as I usually do when someone might take comfort from posting and checking in frequently that "as our Seeking Strength says, stay close to the site during this time."</p><p></p><p><img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>Do stay close now, Seeking. We have been where you are, today.</p><p></p><p>It is a hurtful, hopeless place.</p><p></p><p>But this time, you are not there alone, waiting and not knowing anything at all other than that you suffer.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 663570, member: 17461"] This is a healthy approach to take, Seeking. I think it will help you too to have rehab and treatment center and Social Services numbers to give your son. Know the number of the shelter in your area, and where the food shelves and soup kitchens are. If your son believes he will not find the kind of welcome and support he believes himself entitled to, I think he will not come. I would text those numbers to him with no other comment except "I love you." Here again, extended family will play its nefarious part. If they encourage him to bring his addiction home, they should be made to take him on until he is better. Extended family invariably disappears once the going gets tough ~ and when we are dealing with an addiction, the going always gets tough. I am sure you and D H have researched treatment centers. Send for their pamphlets to give your son and to the members of your families. You are neither helpless nor heartless. You know your situation, and you know what you are doing and why. You understand, though your extended family does not, that helping an addict morphs into enabling. Enabling morphs into blaming our own children for the dirtiness and filth their addictions revolve around and consist of. That is uglier even than what now exists, for all of you. I am convinced that addiction breaks first integrity. Then, the capacity for empathy. Then, there is the kind of hatred so many of us see in our addicted kids. These are not things we can love them out of. As COM posts to us, addiction is a terminal disease. It is heartbreaking enough without having extended family in the thick of things, grinding whatever axes are theirs to grind. You know, and extended family don't ~ not yet anyway ~ that a portion of their scathing judgment of you and D H comes from their certainty that they could change this. If they do help/enable your child, if they do encourage him to bring his addiction home, it is a true and certain thing that they will dump responsibility for him back on to you once, having enabled him in the first place, they are confronted with his addicted, needy, amoral self. The difference is they will dump him with consciences free and clear as birds in flight. After all, they did, in their wonderfulness and generosity, offer their help while you were busy talking about something called "enabling" and turning him away. ! You don't have that option. You will be judged either way. If your son does beat his addiction, you will be judged because he ever had it. It is not unusual that an addiction in one member destroys extended family. You are not alone in that aspect of things, either. But you do have us, and you do know we believe in you and even, in the possibility that your son can hit bottom and come back. I believe it for mine. I believe it for yours. So far, mine keeps going back. That doesn't mean I don't love him. That doesn't mean I don't believe him. But it does mean he cannot come home. *** Ha! I was just going to post, as I usually do when someone might take comfort from posting and checking in frequently that "as our Seeking Strength says, stay close to the site during this time." :) Do stay close now, Seeking. We have been where you are, today. It is a hurtful, hopeless place. But this time, you are not there alone, waiting and not knowing anything at all other than that you suffer. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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