Plea bargain......

[witzend]

-
Stands,
until you accept that you can't help him you will be caught up in his life. It is when you accept that you cannot help him that you will be able to live your own life and be available in a real way to the rest of your family.

It is also when he will be able to live his own life instead of the one Susan keeps orchestrating for him.

Susan, where's the positive post that has nothing to do with worrying about your son? It's really not that difficult. Are you trying? It's been 7 days since I asked you.

 

[witzend]

OK thanks friends. I am signing off for a while about this. I promise. I will let you know what develops. I will show up on the watercooler when I think of something.(smile)

Don't wait untio you "think of one". Go read something funny and reply appropriately.

The positive things that have nothing to do with worrying or feeling guilty about or trying to fix your difficult child (or anyone else) are out there waiting for you if you will only look for them.

Still praying for you.

 

[susiestar]

Stands,

Some of your posts make me think that you take in everything you read as a comment on how you parent/parented difficult child. The Tiger Woods post is an example. You seem to have narrowed your world to take everything in and make it revolve around your image of difficult child.

He is not your image of him. He is himself. He needs to be allowed to run his own life, even if he doesn't want to or doesn't do it the way you or anyone else wants him to. This includes letting him handle the consequences of actions that are against the law.

Witz asked you for a positive post, even a reply to someone else. I would like to see you take an article you read and relate it to something positive about your husband or one of your other kids. They matter as more than just victims of difficult child and his thieving friends.

Can you try to do that? Write a post about an article and something positive it makes you think of or reminds you of about your PCs? Maybe this would be a baby step to opening your world and letting difficult child go, and the rest of your family in? I don't mean never think about difficult child, but taking him out of the positiion as center of your world.

It is just a request, not a demand.

Hugs,

Susie

 

[standswithcourage]

I did post on Watercooler! But I am just asking one more question - do you think I should contact the prosecutor by lettter asking where my difficult child needs to go if he is let go? I know it sounds stupid but I just keep thinking that if he cons them into thinking he can go to outpatient and be fine - they are all crazy. Why cant they see he needs help and I need him to go somewhere - that is just the way they wind up back in there - jail is to punish not to treat - I dont believe he has changed much - it is crazy to me for them to think he has - I am just projecting and assuming. Just help me to find something beside fear - I know you have before but sometimes I just keep needing to hear it - I want someone to know that a "not well" person doesnt need to come home so we can take care of him - he needs to go somewhere and get treatment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[meowbunny]

I did post on Watercooler! But I am just asking one more question - do you think I should contact the prosecutor by lettter asking where my difficult child needs to go if he is let go?

Very simple answer .... NO!!!!

It is HIS life, not yours. He is legally an adult. He needs to make his own choices. Forcing him to treatment is futile. He has to want to go.

There is only one thing you need to do right now -- live your life. Let him succeed or fail on his own. You are not helping him but constantly trying to save him. Past history should show you that.

Stands, it is hard to stand back and let our kids fail. It was truly the most painful thing I ever did. To think of my beloved child living on the streets, possibly using drugs, possibly having to sell her body to survive, it was killing me but I had to stand firm for her sake. She had to fall so that she could see what she had and see that her method was not working.

She's now living in her own apartment, making some mistakes but certainly not to the extent she did in the past. I think she will make it. If she doesn't, I'll do my best to be here to help her. I will guide her. I will give her advice. I will hold her and let her cry. I will not bail her out. I will not "save" her. In other words, I will be her mother, not her buddy nor best friend and, most importantly, I won't be her savior. This, for me, is detaching.

Define for yourself exactly what you are willing to do for your son and then do no more than that. Make sure what you are willing to do is to help him grow, not to make you feel better. He can't grow, become a true adult until you step back.

 

[Suz]

do you think I should contact the prosecutor by lettter asking where my difficult child needs to go if he is let go?

No.

He is an adult.

His problem- let him own it.

Susan, this topic is exhausted. It's time to move on.

Suz

 

[standswithcourage]

OK close it. thanks

 

[mom_to_3]

That's right Susan, this is your son's problem to fix. Your son DOES know he has this problem, better than anyone else does. He choses not to do anything about it because he knows he doesn't have to. He has had you, the minister man, certain doctors and the courts catering to his whims for how long? I bet your son has even had quite the snicker and laugh at you, at your expense because he can sit back, whine a bit and get all these people into action "fixing things for him" so that he can continue to be a drug addict and irresponsible grown man. That would gall me to no end to know the child I gave birth to would use me and treat me with so much disrespect.

 

[standswithcourage]

I understand completely and thanks for putting that in perspective for me. Sometimes I just dont want to see what can really happen - I just dont want him to come home - we wont let him - I just dont want that to even be an option - I want them to send him somewhere - that probably wont happen - just keep me in your prayers that I will be strong whatever happens - I am so tired of this - I just know I dont want to be a vehicle for the rest of my summer - sometimes I feel bad about it but cant someone else see what has already happened. Enough said - Suz is going to close this - it is getting boring!

 

[mom_to_3]

You know something else I just thought of after reading what you wrote..... If you were to write to the judge, the judge might just misconstrue your message and think that YOU want to "help" your son and be very involved in his life. As in your son coming to your home. Shudder! I would never want that to happen! Susan, I can still hear the hope you have for your son, the desire for him to get better. I know it's hard to hear and hard to accept, but he's not going to get better because of ANYTHING YOU do. If anything, and he's proved it to you time and time again, he will remain an addict because of you and your desire to "help" him.

I wonder what would happen, if you removed yourself totally from his life? No phone calls, no visits, no help, no interest in his life, no nothing! I can still love somebody, but not be involved in their day to day life. Would he care enough for you or his family to clean up his life?

In case you're wondering Susan, your son is not an addict because you were a bad parent or because you did something wrong. It has nothing to do with you at all. Sometimes we like to blame our selves for our children's problems, but it isn't so. If we do that, we stay stuck in the same place and we can't grow.

Your son is an addict because HE made some bad choices and right now, those choices are too comfortable for him to want to change. He has to want to make changes. You can't convince him otherwise. Keep reading and learning Susan.

 

[Suz]

Enough said - Suz is going to close this - it is getting boring!

I'll close it if you want me to...I was suggesting earlier that you move on to a new topic in a new thread.

Hey, I noticed that you posted in WC yesterday about your day with your daughter.

Suz