Please Be Patient - Another Gfgbro/Family Question

[susiestar]

I will start with thanking you for your patience and forbearance on this issue. Most of the time I do not think about my bro at all, which for me is HUGE. This came up because Jess brought it up and the next day he left a shirt on my doorstep for thank you with a request to give it back to him when thank you has outgrown it so that his daughter can wear it. I thought that was bad enough.

Turns out that she has again been having nightmares about him. She grabbed a shirt to wear, one she loved the look of but has had severe nightmares waking in panic attacks each time she tries to wear it or thank you tries to wear it. It is tye die and he loved it (no pink or purple on it, lol) but it also gives him nightmares about gfgbro.

THis saddens and angers me. Not just that he would behave in such an awful way, but that I let it go on for so long. I am working on that, believe me.

My question is that my mother still asks if I am "still uncomfortable being around him" - the answer is not just yes but Hades YES. A large part of it isn't MY comfort. I could put that behind me and even when it gave me panic attacks I did so for years. IT is that it upsets my kids that much. The therapist thinks we need to tell her that if she brings him up again we won't see her again. I cannot go that far. Not cutting her totally off for discussing her son and fi her daughter is still "angry" with him. I really want my mom to understand that it isn't MY anger - it is my children's nightmares and panic attacks. The kids will NOT discuss it with her because she puts such pressure on them. Pressure in asking the same question six or eight times in very slightly different ways until the say what she wants or if I am there I end the discussion. I stop her after 2 times, but they cannot yet. I have given away everything he leaves on our doorstep and will continue to do so. Esp as his reaction to ANYTHING we have given to him and/or his daughter in the last five years is to berate us for dumping our "junk" on him - even if he said he wanted it the day before! So he gets nothing, not that shirt, not anything from us. I do leave gifts for his daughter at my mothers. I am NOT angry with her in any way. This has NOTHING to do with his daughter, but a LOT to do with my kids.

Jess is upset/anxious enough over him that when she tried to eat a chocolate rabbit he left on the doorstep she had a panic attack. Of course the therapist is helping with this. I am seriously thinking of putting a sign outside that items left by those not welcome in the home will be thrown away with-o entering the home. I just don't know why I need a sign or daily reminder of that on my property. Esp as he won't pay attention and it has now been too long to get a restraining order according to the police.

I can charge him with littering, but would have to catch him in the act, which would mean seeing him, which I won't do.

I just HATE seeing my kids so upset. Esp by their Gma who asks THEM if I am still upset with him. HOW do I get through to her? I haven't seen her more than 4 times since last July when gfgbro was so awful and she told me to just forgive him finally and "get over it".

 

[DaisyFace]

Ugh!

Your brother is nuts!

And your Mother keeps trying to "fix" it so that everything will be all hunky-dory.

I don't have the slightest idea what would change either of them. Certainly, there is nothing YOU could do to change your brother. And I'm not sure that you will EVER convince your Mom that the whole thing won't ever be "fixed".

Can you get a security camera to catch him in the act of littering?

Or maybe just a gigantic vicious dog?

 

[HaoZi]

Maybe the kids would find it cathartic to tell Gma under no uncertain terms (and perhaps in colorful language) that they do not wish to discuss the matter or have contact with the subject of such?

 

[Star*]

Susie*

This is another attempt to "play" all of you by GFGbro. He's trying to CONTROL another situation that he can't CONTROL. By leaving a shirt, a chocolate rabbit with instructions for you to do anything, something - in the future? It keeps HIIM in the picture, in your minds - in the future and keeps in in CONTROL of a situation and on your minds. It's a pathetic attempt of him to manipulate your family. There are 100 no, 1000 things he could have done with that freakin shirt if his kid is having nightmares. He didn't need to leave it at your doorstep. And if thank you wants a tydie shirt? There are 1000's of thank you-die shirts that can be had. He doesn't even LIKE his uncle. What is so special about this shirt? For Jess to bring up THAt particular shirt belonging to him? An Uncle that gives her PANIC attacks? And your Mother to mention it to HIM?

I sincerely doubt he's trying to play the "good uncle" - Something stinks here an it's not that shirt. It's a way for YOUR Mom to MANIPULATE or try to FIX a family problem that won't be fixed and well - I think telling her that it's either but out or you're done with her is extreme but it may be the ONLY way to save Jess from having MORE panic attacks. Maybe THEN she'll catch the hint that you are NOT kidding about difficult child bro and his involvement.

I am so sorry for you and Jess getting caught in the middle but I have to wonder at this point if your Mom didn't tell your Brother to GO to your house and DO this - because he took a chance with the police to do it. Know what I mean??

 

[nvts]

You know what Susie? I'd stop dealing with her too. I agree with what the therapist says. It (to me) is a power play with your mom that she keeps doing this. Personally? I'd let her know up front that if she doesn't stop bringing this up with the brother, that in the future, if she mentions him to or in front of the other kids, you will abruptly tell them to get their belongings and you're going home.

The first time she does it? Do exactly that. Get up, grab your stuff and leave. And each and every time she does it, stand up, grab your stuff and walk.

Everytime you find **** on your porch? Toss it in the trash...done and done.

The kids will feel a lot better seeing you take the bull by the horns and protecting them. Plain and simple. And you'll have empowered yourself knowing that no one was handing you a bunch of crap and expecting you to make a chocolate cake with it!

Love ya! Stand up and be heard!

Beth

 

[susiestar]

If I was the one who found the stuff on the porch they wouldn't have seen it or known it existed. THEY are the ones who have found it. JEss brought it up to me because she wore the shirt. The one he left had a note that his daughter wanted it. Often I find out about the conversations with my mom AFTER the kids have hung up. She has been told that I WILL block her phone from our number if she brings him up to the kids again.

I DO listen to her vent about exsil when the kids are not around. She has never been as angry with anyone ever as she is with exsil for the things exsil is doing to my niece and gfgbro. I think in many ways gfgbro deserves it - I warned him before they married that this would happen. She has used a friend at CPS to hurt their daughter by not letting her see her father unsupervised since Feb. She has missed court dates and is planning to miss the one in July because she wants to go to some religious convention out of town. For all his behaviors to me and mine, he is a good dad. I even offered to tell the court this as I was the one to make the call to CPS years ago.

Anyway, thank you. I intend to make a strong statement to my mother. Jess may tell my mom off about gfgbro but thank you just won't. I will let him if he wants to, but he won't even discuss it with the therapist.

 

[Hound dog]

Susie

Pure and simple control and manipulation by both your mom and your bro.

I learned the hard way the only one who was going to take care of my immediate family (my kids and husband) was ME. Notice who I did not put into the immediate family category. They are extended family once you move out and start your own family. In other words, they come in second to the needs of immediate family.

You need to sit the kids down and tell them whenever they find something on the doorstep they are to bring it to you to be thrown away. No "gift" is worth that amount of emotional garbage, I don't care how poor you might or might not be.

I'm a little stumped as to uncle causes them so much ptsd yet they still wore the clothes and ate the bunny..........I think I'd have to talk to them about that, as it's sort of odd behavior.

As for mom...........you know how I feel about that. I agree with Beth whole heartedly. Just because she's your mom doesn't mean she gets to constantly disrespect you or your kids. I don't care if she's 102 yrs old. If you refuse to tolerate the behavior, no matter how she chooses to behave, it will stop........or she'll keep her distance and you still won't have to put up with it. Win/win for you and the kids.

Same with bro. And I hate to say it cause I know you care about your niece but you may want to reconsider giving her gifts, as bro may see it as an open door to do the same even though you've told him to stay away.

Hugs

 

[Mattsmom277]

I think at this point there is a harassment thing going on, even if not "to the letter of the law". He's been told clearly to stay away right? Yet he leaves "gifts" on a doorstep? He knows better, he knows where you stand.

Here's what I would do. I would sit down and write a short and to the point letter and have it witnessed/signed by someone outside the family. SOmething such as Attention: GFGBRO I have requested on numerous occasions that you have no contact with me, my husband and my children. By this I mean ALL contact (in person, via mail, electronically and leaving articles on my property). You continue to come to my property to leave articles and this is a clear violation of my request of no contact. This letter is to notify you in writing, as witnessed by XYZ (insert witness name) that this stands as final notice to you that you are clearly violating the request to stay away. Your continued attempts at contact, even via "gifts" left on my property, constitutes harassment. Should there be a single further incident I will contact XYZ police department and request their assistance in ensuring legal protections to keep you away from my home and myself and my family. Signed, Harassed Sister. I'd date it then and send it registered mail requiring a signature and be sure to get the copy of delivery for records. Even if police didn't charge him the first time you called following the letter if he violates your request, you can ask them to record it in their records and attend his house and notify him that this is a warning and a reminder by police that when someone says no contact, further contact DOES constitute harrassment. Police hate stuff like this but they hate it less when a person has put in writing notice to someone to stay away and warned already that police would be called. They usually attend the persons home and give them firm warning to stay away or face charges next time. It is time to be able to document to police if he does approach your home again.

As for mom, what a yucky situation. I get not wanting to cut your mother off. At the same time, it is a good point that she can not be naive to how much you and your husband and kids want him out of your life. I would tell her that you do NOT want this to come between you and HER. I would tell her as someone else mentioned, that the topic of him and his family are OFF the table with you but also with your children. Period. And that you will do as mentioned in the thread and leave if she brings it up and try another visit another time, but each time HE comes up, your visit has to end because she may WISH her children could "just get along" but that is NOT in the cards and this is not a issue you wish to revisit over and over. In your mind, case closed.

As for his daughter, that's always tough to know kids are in the cross hair. At the same time, this is a fact of life unfortunate as it is. You have to end gifting to your niece since it is obviously giving your bro permission in HIS mind to also gift in return. I can see it would be sad to not be able to send things to her and to let her know you care but the fact is, this is giving your bro an opening that you and your children do NOT want him having. If it really bothers you to think she'll think you no longer love her etc, just remember children grow up and then can better understand. How about getting her a saving bond once a year as a birthday/christmas gift and putting them away in a safe place until she's an adult. Once she's over 18 and not living at home, you could send them to her with a card or something saying you've done this for her all of these years because you DO love her and wanted to remember her at Christmas and birthday's and thought this a nice way to put a little something away for when she's college age. In the end, don't for a second think kids don't realize when family strife might be caused by their own parent. I bet she'll be more than aware as she grows older, if she isnt' already, that things with her dad forced you to not be in his life and therefore hers. Ultimately though, even if she is hurt, she has parents to cushion hurt. You have your kids and their hurt. Sadly, your kids needs to sever all remaining ties (gifting to the niece) have to trump a desire to show niece you haven't forgotten her.

Hang in there, these situations stink don't they? I just had my gfgbro's oldest who is 21 now contact me after so many years of no contact. I severed all ties during the past christmas holidays with my bro, and that is the reason actually that my nephew was comfortable reaching out to me as his aunt. We don't discuss his father, we talk about ourselves and our lives and it's been great to be able to get to know him again since I haven't had the chance since he was 12 or so. He DOES remember how much I loved him and the gifts and reaching out when he was younger. He's not once thought about why I stopped doing those things. He KNEW it wasn't him, it was his father that was the problem. Kids are smart .

 

[HaoZi]

I'm a little stumped as to uncle causes them so much ptsd yet they still wore the clothes and ate the bunny..........I think I'd have to talk to them about that, as it's sort of odd behavior.

Maybe they would feel guilty wasting it? They could always donate his gifts instead if that's the case.

 

[klmno]

Study this, even if you already know it by heart:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference"

(by anonymous, I believe)

Your family isn't going to change and you need to accept that.
What can and what are you willing to change? (options include, but are not limited to, how you react to it, your attitude about it, whether or not you keep going the way you have when they do what they do -remind yourself of statement 1 here- whether or not to ignore it all, and whether or not to just cut off remaining communication, etc.)