Please give your advice!

[mog]

Our oldest son got engaged in July --now she is pregnant. Her family is going to give her a baby shower in Kansas where they are from so I decided to have one here for our family and friends. I know that etiquite says the mother should not host a shower but i didn't want my family being completely left out because we can not go hundreds of miles for this. I asked the couple to give me a list of friends that they wanted to invite.
The hall that I have rented only holds 70 people. When i asked for the list -our to be daughter in law gave me her mothers list and there are over 60 people on this list -people from her church because they will give her good gifts. I explained to our "daughter" that there is not enough room for that many people especially since NONE of my sons or our family or friends are yet to be included in this event that as of yet I have paid over $200.00 for and have not yet bought the food or the cake.
After talking to our "daughter" --she decided to cut the list for invitaitons and post a page on facebook which still does not help with the actual issue. Well then she went and told her mom that I cut all of her moms church friends off the list and the mother confronted my son yesterday.
I am upset now and am thinking I should just cancel the whole thing. They are having there own in Kansas so why does she have to have so many of HER friends at MY shower just because of the gifts. We were wanting to do it so that we could share time and fun with our family and friends.
I got mad last night and told my son that if the mom has a problem tell her to talk to me directly since I am the one throwing the shower.
I don't know what to do--anybody got any suggestions. I am so upset that I could not sleep last night!
Help

 

[Hound dog]

UGH

Why do some folks have to make things so darned complicated????

Mog dear, sit your new daughter to be and your son down and explain why you are planning to give a shower for her where you live. Explain that it had nothing to do with the shower being given for her in Kansas, which by the way you think is a marvelous idea and so sweet of the person giving it ( big beaming smile here whether you feel that way or not lol ). Explain it's not your desire to rain on anyone's parade, you're simply trying to accommodate family / friends in your area so they can also welcome the new blessing into the world without having a stroke over travel cost. (ok, might want to word that a bit better my tact is slipping this afternoon) Explain that you weren't planning on accomidating those who planned on going to the kansas shower, just those who couldn't (for whatever reason) couldn't attend that one. Know what I mean??

If you don't sit her down and spell it out, it's going to turn into a huge nightmare. Odds are she is afraid to come out and ask or really say much because she doesn't want to risk making her future mother in law mad at her or hurting your feelings.

If it were me, this is exactly what I'd do. Sit down and explain before it spirals out of control, which it sounds like it's about to do.

Congrats on the new blessing by the way.

((hugs))

 

[Hound dog]

Might want to hint strongly that if there are 2 showers it might mean quite a bit more in the gift dept.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Well, Lisa gave the absolute best advice - I agree!

 

[cubsgirl]

I agree too

 

[mog]

unfortuanately it is not my daughter in law that is having the issue it is HER mother and they are HER Church friends from here that are not planning on going to the shower in Kansas.

 

[InsaneCdn]

In other words, HER mother needs to throw a SECOND shower for HER friends... and you will throw a THIRD shower for YOUR friends and extended family... and the gifts just keep piling up, so it shouldn't be a problem, right?

Or... HER mother can help fund a bigger shower than you can afford.

Either way, nobody loses, right?

 

[hearts and roses]

I agree with what Lisa said about being straight with them and telling them your reasons for throwing this second shower. It was for YOUR family who couldn't make it to the Kansas shower. IF her mom wants it to be inclusive of HER friends from your area, then she needs to contribute to this additional shower. And if she cannot, then it will be for your family and friends only as you simply cannot accommodate such a large guest list, sorry.

Like Lisa said, say all this with a bright smile on your face and cheeriness in your voice!

If this is STILL unsatisfactory to your future daughter in law, then it may be time to bow out and just have friends and family send gifts to the Kansas shower.

Ugh...it's killing me reading this because I know that I will have to deal with the same BS when it comes time for difficult child's wedding shower. I know that difficult child's biodad sister in law will bow out of the shower here, near home, and choose to have her own, her way. Part of wants to strangle her and the other part just has to LET IT GO!!

Hugs!

 

[Hound dog]

I'm still sitting here in awe that there are 70 people wanting to attend this shower. Holy Moses!

Bad thing is, 70 people will be invited and only a portion will be able to attend. It always works that way.

I still say take them to lunch or whatever, sit them down, and just explain it to them. If daughter in laws friends / family or her mother's friends / family are going to want to come then they're just going to have to not only help foot the bill to accommodate the ridiculous amount of people but also help pitch in to put this thing on. Otherwise, daughter in law and or her mother will have to make other arrangements. This is YOUR shower, you're paying for it. Yes you're doing it for your future daughter but still, it's your party......which means your rules.

I had a taste of this with easy child over her wedding. Now sister in law's grandparents had offered to foot the bill to see them married before Darrin was born, they did not care how much that bill cost them either. easy child was raised right and DID care and was careful to keep costs down as next to nothing as possible and still have a nice wedding. Her future mother in law started in about the reception and how much would husband and I be contributing blah blah blah. I simply laughed at her. (ok it was immediately after my Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) tact was not my strong suit at that time) I explained to her my kids were raised that they had no business marrying if they could not pay for it themselves and that their parents would not fund any of it. It was not my idea they marry. (I felt they were being not too gently pushed into it before they were sure that is what they wanted) Nor was it my responsibility to fund it. easy child's mother in law decided to use the church for the reception and cater from subway (she owns subway lol ) instead of some of the elaborate nonsense she'd come up with. Turned out a better plan as the wedding was on such short notice mostly immediate family was all who was able to attend. So had I let her guilt me into her elaborate plans it would have been all that expense for nothing pretty much.

I've found it's better to be upfront and honest about such things than to try to bend over backward and please everyone. (which is impossible and causes resentment, not a good way to start relationships) I find it difficult to believe her church friends are going to be too "hurt" if they aren't invited when there would be no shower where you are had you not been kind enough to plan one. It's not like they can't go visit the girl and give her a gift for the baby for pete's sake.

Also if it were me, since there are soooooooo many people involved, I'd RSVP with a date early enough to opt for somewhere smaller should those who plan to attend be a much smaller group than invited. WTH do you do with that many people at a shower??

 

[DammitJanet]

Oh the joys of mother in law hood!

I have two thoughts. Either you do it like Lisa said and talk to your new daughter in law and just explain that you were intending to do this for your family and friends who couldnt make it to Kansas but of course you were intending to include her mother/sisters. Or....you cancel the place you are having the party and find a larger place. Maybe having it outdoors if at all possible. Do a nice picnic or see if you can rent something like the firehall. Normally you can get something like that fairly cheap. Some nice parks have outdoor shelters for about 30 bucks.

Then you and her mom can coordinate making all the food and save money that way. Decorations can be bought at Walmart and there are a ton of cute little things you can put together on the web. I found the cutest little pattern for baby bassinets and you put those jordan almonds in them. Just stick them around on the tables. At easter grab a bunch of those pastel M&M's for decorations too.

If you go that route, well, you make everyone happy. Sometimes you have to think about the long haul.

We went up to Jamie and Billie's baby shower almost 6 years ago and I didnt know a soul. Tony had met Billie's mother and step-father one time but I never had. Other than my son and my future daughter in law, I didnt know anyone else. There were a ton of people who were her family, her friends, Jamie's friends from the Corps, etc. We just attended and smiled. It turned out okay because I ended up really liking Billie's mother and she died 2 years later and I would have missed knowing her if we hadnt gone up there.

 

[Tiapet]

Weddings and deaths....2 things known to tear families apart faster then lots of other things. Of course we all know there are other things but these 2 are notorious for doing it. This goes back generations of history.

I really don't understand why this happens. It just happened in my own family kind of. My sister and mother. Sister felt the need to "impress" the new family because she is embarrassed by who and what she is. Tried demanding and overburdening my mother because of it. Mother just said this is what I have to offer period.

I think it's knowing your limits all around from all parties. Sadly this just doesn't always happen for one reason or another.
I hope things work out for you. Weddings are a trying time when it should be a happy occasion.

 

[DammitJanet]

Its all because you are combining two sets of people and you have no clue how everyone is. The couple knows they get along but how do the families get along? Is one family more affluent than the other? Normally yes. I always felt "less than" in most settings. Always have. I was amazed when I met Billies mom and she was so down to earth and even a lot like me. She was disabled, funny and never had a whole lot of money. That made us feel more comfortable with each other.

Jamie's first inlaw's? Wouldnt even speak to us. Of course they lived in Utah so it wasnt any skin off our noses. We never even met them.