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Please help - any advice welcomed regarding suicide
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 706575" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Very much of what you say applies to my child, my son, who is now 28. Similar attributes. Similar diagnoses and threats of suicide. My son has been hospitalized a number of times; about 5 years ago he says he did make a couple of attempts.</p><p> My son believes in conspiracy theories that reinforce his world view.</p><p></p><p>While I am quite worried about him right now (unsure where he is) he has been getting better and better. The turning point was about a year and a half ago. I hit bottom and I decided I had to limit contact with him. I did not call. When he called, I spoke only a few words, oh, so, no (the Al Anon protocol). But I think the major change was at 27 his brain began to mature and he was able to understand in a different way. I know this might not be reassuring for you because in Dan's case this is so far into the future. But it is something to remember. These kids' brains are immature. They will mature, if they survive. The question is what to do now.</p><p></p><p>In my case I did not let up. At 19 I forced him to go to Job Corps. He could not come home until he completed a program. I insisted he go to college, and he did complete a year. I demanded that he go to a nurse's aide program. And he did work for 15 months. When he quit that job due to depression, and wanted to stay home and mope, I told him to do that he would have to get treatment, and when he did not, I threw him out.</p><p></p><p>I am not saying any of this correct. In retrospect I have regrets. But I felt that no matter what was his diagnosis, his limit, he had to find a way to be constructive and productive, or to be open to the support that would allow him to function to the extent that he could.</p><p></p><p>I still have that view.</p><p></p><p>Your son sounds like he is not aggressive. My son became aggressive. I called the cops so many times I do not have digits to count. My son, too, made reference to plans to suicide at some distant date. We confronted him with this and told him how seriously we would take any threat, including doing whatever it took to get him involuntarily admitted to hospital. He stopped.</p><p>The thing is this: you cannot make him do anything meaningful. This is what I see looking back. He blew up the job. He blew up school. The one goal he attained was applying for SSI and he is motivated to keep it.</p><p>This is what I did. Right or wrong, I decided I would insist that he seek treatment for his depression, and if he did not he would have to leave. That was when he was 23.</p><p></p><p>I wish I could say it worked: it did not. He went and sought refuge with (ex) family friends who own a luxury motel, where he stayed without conditions for over 2 years. When he had to leave there, he went into a residential treatment center, to have a place to stay, and then went homeless for a time, or couch surfed.</p><p></p><p>For the past 10 months he has either lived with us or was in residential treatment. I think he went to residential treatment again, but because I cannot reach him, I am unsure. The major issue with us now is marijuana use over which we will not back down. My position: as long as you live with me or someplace I control I do not want you to use any substances. When you are independent of me, you make the call.</p><p></p><p>This is my stance (right or wrong):</p><p></p><p>The change comes from them.</p><p></p><p>You control you and your home.</p><p></p><p>To allow indolence from an intelligent and able-bodied person, is to enable. Only a very few people are unable to do something. If the symptoms are so severe as to incapacitate us, we are responsible to seek/accept help, to search to find remedy *which can be psychological treatment, recreation, spirituality, friendship, hobbies. But I cannot allow my son to hide out from his life.</p><p></p><p>To tolerate my son's hurting himself by self-destructive habits and decisions, felt to me to be enabling. As long as he is in my home I get to define what is self-destructive. If he chooses to not accept my viewpoints, he can leave.</p><p></p><p>It is very painful for us that he leave, because we have seen it does not benefit him. He is much diminished by his life as he lived it away from us. But on the other hand he has greater empathy, he makes better choices, and seems to be more and more the person he needs to be. He has been working for us full-time for many months now and living with us relatively problem-free for most of that time. I could not have envisioned this even a year ago.</p><p></p><p>I hope you keep posting. It helps. It is not so much the advice. It is holding the feelings and the thoughts in your mind as you write. There is a clarity to be found in this and at the same time a discharging of pent up feeling, that I have found greatly helpful. It helps a lot to have a dialog too, with people who understand.</p><p></p><p>Take care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 706575, member: 18958"] Very much of what you say applies to my child, my son, who is now 28. Similar attributes. Similar diagnoses and threats of suicide. My son has been hospitalized a number of times; about 5 years ago he says he did make a couple of attempts. My son believes in conspiracy theories that reinforce his world view. While I am quite worried about him right now (unsure where he is) he has been getting better and better. The turning point was about a year and a half ago. I hit bottom and I decided I had to limit contact with him. I did not call. When he called, I spoke only a few words, oh, so, no (the Al Anon protocol). But I think the major change was at 27 his brain began to mature and he was able to understand in a different way. I know this might not be reassuring for you because in Dan's case this is so far into the future. But it is something to remember. These kids' brains are immature. They will mature, if they survive. The question is what to do now. In my case I did not let up. At 19 I forced him to go to Job Corps. He could not come home until he completed a program. I insisted he go to college, and he did complete a year. I demanded that he go to a nurse's aide program. And he did work for 15 months. When he quit that job due to depression, and wanted to stay home and mope, I told him to do that he would have to get treatment, and when he did not, I threw him out. I am not saying any of this correct. In retrospect I have regrets. But I felt that no matter what was his diagnosis, his limit, he had to find a way to be constructive and productive, or to be open to the support that would allow him to function to the extent that he could. I still have that view. Your son sounds like he is not aggressive. My son became aggressive. I called the cops so many times I do not have digits to count. My son, too, made reference to plans to suicide at some distant date. We confronted him with this and told him how seriously we would take any threat, including doing whatever it took to get him involuntarily admitted to hospital. He stopped. The thing is this: you cannot make him do anything meaningful. This is what I see looking back. He blew up the job. He blew up school. The one goal he attained was applying for SSI and he is motivated to keep it. This is what I did. Right or wrong, I decided I would insist that he seek treatment for his depression, and if he did not he would have to leave. That was when he was 23. I wish I could say it worked: it did not. He went and sought refuge with (ex) family friends who own a luxury motel, where he stayed without conditions for over 2 years. When he had to leave there, he went into a residential treatment center, to have a place to stay, and then went homeless for a time, or couch surfed. For the past 10 months he has either lived with us or was in residential treatment. I think he went to residential treatment again, but because I cannot reach him, I am unsure. The major issue with us now is marijuana use over which we will not back down. My position: as long as you live with me or someplace I control I do not want you to use any substances. When you are independent of me, you make the call. This is my stance (right or wrong): The change comes from them. You control you and your home. To allow indolence from an intelligent and able-bodied person, is to enable. Only a very few people are unable to do something. If the symptoms are so severe as to incapacitate us, we are responsible to seek/accept help, to search to find remedy *which can be psychological treatment, recreation, spirituality, friendship, hobbies. But I cannot allow my son to hide out from his life. To tolerate my son's hurting himself by self-destructive habits and decisions, felt to me to be enabling. As long as he is in my home I get to define what is self-destructive. If he chooses to not accept my viewpoints, he can leave. It is very painful for us that he leave, because we have seen it does not benefit him. He is much diminished by his life as he lived it away from us. But on the other hand he has greater empathy, he makes better choices, and seems to be more and more the person he needs to be. He has been working for us full-time for many months now and living with us relatively problem-free for most of that time. I could not have envisioned this even a year ago. I hope you keep posting. It helps. It is not so much the advice. It is holding the feelings and the thoughts in your mind as you write. There is a clarity to be found in this and at the same time a discharging of pent up feeling, that I have found greatly helpful. It helps a lot to have a dialog too, with people who understand. Take care. [/QUOTE]
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