Please help - I just found her meth pipe!

[PatriotsGirl]

Yup. She has been passing her drug tests - either she is doing something to mask them, or it is out of her system by the time we get to her, but I just found a heavily used meth pipe in one of her dresser drawers. I was searching for a decent shirt for her to wear to an interview I had lined up for her and bam - fell out in between shirts. My heart is racing. She called (she is currently finishing community service) and I told her I found it and her response was "you are going through my ****??". I told her she no longer lives here. Rehab or bust.
Now my question is and I know I should but it is so dang hard, should I report my finding to the police? Should I have her arrested??

 

[DammitJanet]

I dont know that they will arrest her for you finding her pipe to be honest. She could simply say...oh I just found it in the woods and wondered what it was...ya know? And actually, it isnt in her possession right now, its in yours.

I think I would do like Dog the Bounty Hunter does and smash it and then impose your consequences.

 

[compassion]

I agree with Janet. Boundaries,boundaries,boundaries. I have also taken the stance of getting treatment for the illness and reinforicing academic,job, and coping skills. This is a long process, in my experience. I have a boundary that she does not live here. Boundaries,boundaries,boundaires. Detatch,detatch,detatch. Al-anon and FA and Nami help me a lot.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Her case manager is putting together a list of programs. I told him she is not staying here. She has an option of an acute care facility until we have something in place but she is not staying here. She is supposedly going to let me know what her decision is. She needs to realize she isn't going to have options once we get in front of the judge...

 

[Nancy]

Wow I am living your life right now. I just found pot and fake urine in difficult child's bedroom yesterday. I knew she was too eager to take the drug test. Your daughter may be using urine you can buy to pass the drug test. It comes with a warming pad so you can keep it warm to make them think it's real. We wouldn;t let her come home from work yesterday and she spent the night drinking in some guy's dorm at a local college.

I understand you wanting her out. This is serious stuff and you can't handle it alone. She needs more help than you can give her. We spent a great deal of money on residential treatment and it didn't work, so it's the streets for difficult child if she can't get back on the wagon.

I feel like I am watching my daughter walk into her death. I had panic attacks all day. I'm sure you feel the same way. I would not report it to the police, they would just charge her with drug paraphenalia anyway and that won't get her the help she needs. Sooner or later she will be caught.

I'm sorry, I feel your pain, literally.

Nancy

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Nancy, I know you do, hon. I'm so sorry you had a finding, too. I had told difficult child nothing in my home is private anymore. That I will search what ever and whenever I felt like it.
What is worse is, I knew. That gut instinct told me she was using again. Yet when I popped her with surprise drug tests they came back clean. Her PO and case manger thought I was crazy but a mom knows. I asked her when she started using again and she claims this week (that is a lie, I had my suspicions the past couple of weeks). I asked why she would even start again and she claims because the last time she said no, she got beat up by a guy. I told her she has chose to hang out with drug addicts instead of spending her time looking for a job or going to school. But I don't believe her. I don't believe anything that comes out of her mouth or fingers. She knew dang well what she was doing when she brought it in my home. She even went and got q-tips out of my bathroom and I found those very q-tips in the bag with the pipe. She pulled it out today and knew she had brought it in my home. There are no excuses. None.
She claims she will be by to get her things tomorrow. Then she claims she will enter a program when she gets off probation if I will just pretty please not tell her PO about this. Ha. Told her it was too late. She needs help NOW, not later. I did tell her she was VERY lucky I did not call the police. I will not tolerate drugs nor paraphenalia in my home.

 

[Nancy]

Yes a mom knows. I suspected my difficult child was using again a couple weeks agao and I kept asking and she swore she wasn't. That's when I told her I was taking her for a drug test and she said fine. I even suspected she was going to use someone else's urine so I wasn't that suprised when I found the fake stuff, just confirmed all my suspicions.

Your difficult child's choice to hang around druggis is another red flag. Mine is making facebook friends with every druggie she knows and that was another red flag for me. When I confronted her she said I was paranoid and making things up in my head. I told her the only reason she needs those friends is for a supply line.

Now here's my question for you. How do you stop the panic when she is out on the street and you have no idea where she is or what she is doing? I know it would be only days before mine was so far in the gutter she could never crawl out. I had panic attacks yesterday thinking about this. I have tried every al-anon meeting in my area and can't seem to find one that helps in that area.

Nancy

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Nancy, I wish I knew the answer to that one. I was angry yesterday. Today I just want to curl up and cry. I don't know, Nancy. I do worry all of the time - I am constantly checking her phone records. That was another red flag - she is on the phone 24 hours a day most days and it is all sorts of different numbers and they are all a minute or two at a time. I seriously suspect she is a dealer as well. She used to deal drugs and swore she was not dealing again. But the last time I confronted her she said she wasn't but then she also said "as long as I am not doing them." Yup, she pretty much told on herself with that one. I called the cellphone company to see if I could get a log of everything written in text messages and they said they can't do that. I would have had straight proof then. She was talking about people owing her money - why would any one owe her money if it wasn't for drugs?? And I think that guy beat her up because of drugs - not because she wouldn't do them, but I believe either she owed him money or he owed her.
Now it makes sense why she was not interested in a regular job or going to school.
She asked me to leave a bag of clothes on the porch for her to come get today. I am sad. I am sad she is making the choices that she is. But I have a son right across the hall from her bedroom where that pipe was. Nope. Not having it. I can't force her to live a normal life but I can absolutely control what is in my home. I gave her several opportunities to live in a nice home, and have a normal life. All she had to do was concentrate on getting a job. Sad. What a waste of what used to be a beautiful, talented and incredibly smart girl. She is trashing herself and her life and I can't seem to stop it.

 

[DDD]

At PO offices they have an observer in the bathroom. If you use urine that is not yours it is a violation of probation. Yes, there are pouches available that you can use for that purpose. One of easy child/difficult child's friends went to jail after getting caught. DDD

 

[PatriotsGirl]

There was no one in the bathroom each time she took the test....

I am finding it hard to keep it together here today at work. All I want to do is cry and cry hard. I need a meeting and there isn't one around here. No meeting until next Wednesday evening. WTH.

 

[Nancy]

My heart aches for you at the same time as I am aching myself. I held it together most of the day yesterday too. I was volunteering in easy child's classroom helping her students on their site words. As soon as I left I broke down in tears in my car and cried for the next 3 hours. I was in panic mode and when I found out from her girlfriend that she was drinking in this guy's dorm room and wouldn't leave I almost called the campus security to get her. When her girlfriend dumped her off on the street and she had no money and she called us to pick her up I didn't know what to do. By the end of the day my head was throbbing and my eyes swollen nearly shut.

We have had to put clothes in a bag on our porch before for her to pick up. This is the most heartbreaking thing a parent can go through. I think of myself and how I would be terrified to be walking the streets and how I would never give up the nice home she comes from. But I keep reminding herself that she doesn't care. Her girlfriend told me when she pulled into a parking lot and told difficult child to get out she just said ok and didn't even look upset. I'm sure that if husband did not pick her up she would have gone into the nearest bar a offered sex for money.

I said this before, I wish we lived closer together and could be our own al-anon group. I need the support of other parents who are going through this. I hope you find a meeting in your area soon.

Nancy

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Yes, it is a nightmare to say the least. I feel like I am pushing her out into this world, but I have to remind myself that I am not. I am just refusing to let that world into my home. She is always touting to every one that everything is a choice. She even claims addiction is a choice (insert rolling eyeballs). Well, her choices hoover to say the least. But, they are her choices. I am not going to let my son suffer from her choices, nor am I going to risk some thing happening to the rest of us in our home because of her choices.
I dated a drug dealer when I was younger. His apartment was burned down because of something gone wrong in a drug deal. I am not having anything to do with that. I gave her a nice home, every chance in the world to turn it around, offered rehab, counseling, what ever she needed. There is nothing else I can do.
Nancy, I wish we were closer, too. Have you let her back in? What are you going to do from here?

 

[toughlovin]

patriot girl and Nancy - I feel so much for you both and know so well that I could easily be in your shoes. I wish you lived closer because I have found an awesome parents alanon group which has been so helpful and such a relief to me. It helps so much to meet other parents, with kids various ages and stages who are normal people who are dealing with what we are dealing with. I do think it is different being a parent of an addict vs. a spouse or partner. All I can say is keep setting those boundaries and limits and do whatever you can to live and enjoy your life. Easier said than done I well know. It is so so hard to concentrate on anything when you are in that desperate state of worry and anxiety.

My son continues to do well... he is looking for a job but hasn't found one yet. We are currently helping him out financially until he does... and the whole giving him money makes me nervous although he seems to be doing well.... although I guess getting annoyed at the rules at the half way house.... but he is still going to therapy etc. I try not to worry that I don't really know what is going on because he is not here... but to enjoy the fact that he is not here.

Anyway I am thinking about you both and hope you both keep writing about your struggles and your journey.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Her PO called and after I took the phone into the lobby and talked to her, I completely lost it. Took me a while to regain my composure and come back into my office. She is talking to her supervisor. They may be putting a warrant out for her for failed probation and we will be going back in front of the judge. Problem is, she says, unless difficult child is committed to the state - which she is not - the judge won't sentence rehab. Well, at least it could be 30 days in lock up, it is time away from drugs. I'll take it. At least I know she will be alive.
Thank God for all of you. I honestly don't know what I would do with out this board. No one else could possibly understand.

 

[Nancy]

It's sad when them being in jail is a relief. We have judges order rehab here all the time, and they are not in state custody. What a shame that help is not available. Although I am a bit jaded about rehab right now. My difficult child learned so much more about drugs and how to be sneaky while she was there. And sadly not one of the people she met there is clean/sober now.

husband picked her up yesterday and brought her home. She said she wants to continue going to the community college. We told her she has to pay the tuition (thank goodness we put it on a monthly payment plan) and if she gets a C or above in all her classes we will reimburse her at the end of the semester. That has been a relief to me because now it's on her and if she skips class or fails, it's her money. She has to submit to random drug tests and I will not tell her ahead of time we are going. I will also tell the lab that I am suspicious she will try to use fake urine.

We are trying to manage day-by-day. She had met this girl at an AA meeting when she first got out of rehab and she saw her at the college last week. She took difficult child to an AA meeting last week and promised to keep in touch. So I called her yesterday and explained what was going on and asked if she could help. She said she would love to and said she would call difficult child last night and tell lher she was picking her up for an AA meeting tonight. She told me that she has been sober for 2 1/2 years now and got 2 dui's and was in jail before she got it. She said her parents were wonderful and she had a lovely home and still risked everything. She would be a good person for difficult child to have in her life. She also wants me to drive difficult child to a meeting Sunday night where she is doing the lead. I'll take any help I can get.

Do I think she will stay clean/sober? not a chance. So I guess we will be kicking her out again soon and going through this all over again. Our only goal at this point is to get her enough training so she can get a job and support herself and leave here. I have no confidence that she will be able to keep the job or stay sober once she is out but then that is her problem.

Toughlovin thanks for your continued support. I'm thrilled your son is doing well. I know it's hard not knowing what is really going on but it is also a good thing. I wish I could find a good parent group here too. I'm going to check out some of the online groups next.

Nancy

 

[PatriotsGirl]

It wasn't hard to kick her out this time because she hasn't really been living there anyway. She was stopping by about once a week, doing laundry and maybe spending the night if she had to see her PO or do community service the next day. But other than that she wasn't really there. I am going to give her a timeline to get the stuff from her bedroom or I am giving it to Goodwill. I just don't know how long I should give her. I doubt she has anywhere to put it. I'm just really done going around in circles and playing this game. Her bringing that in my home was a big middle finger to me and blatant disregard for my feelings or my rules. She has always been this way and she most likely will always be this way. She wants to do what she wants to do regardless of any kind of consquences. So, I am done. I'm done crying, I'm done regretting her choices for her, I'm done trying to change her. I'm done.

 

[Nancy]

She wants to do what she wants to do regardless of any kind of consquences.

Those were almost the exact words I said to my difficult child the other day. I'm glad you are done crying.

Nancy

 

[missy44]

I'm so sorry for your situation. I know the overwhelming *worry* feeling. It just drains us and leaves us so sad. There aren't any other words to describe it. I hate drugs...they ruin so many lives and if we let it, the lives of everyone involved with the person doing drugs.
I hope your daughter hits a wall soon and realizes what life has to offer. Nancy, I hope the same for you. Alcoholism is an ugly disease. It runs rampant in my family.
Thinking of you both..

 

[Nancy]

Thanks missy!

Nancy

 

[toughlovin]

Having your child go to jail is an awful thing but sometimes it is the best thing because as you say you know they are alive and are not on the street. i actually think it makes some sense for the judge not to order rehab if the person does not want it... because it is that much harder to do the work if you don't want to do it. I know with my son he really really hated jail and it was a wake up call. When it came to the choice of jail or rehab, for him the choice was clear, he chose rehab. He would not have made that choice before going to jail though....once he was bored to death in jail he was going to do anything to get out. So hopefully for your daughter jail will be a the wake up call she needs.

And I am glad you are done... time to find ways to build your life and find some peace for you. I know that can feel impossible but she is an adult and the choice is up to her. As parents we can only do so much and for so long. We love them forever but at some point they need to do for themselves.

I am glad this forum is here also.... becuase really I don't think people who have not been through it really understand.