PLEASE help me decide what to do!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Castle Queen, Sep 24, 2013.

  1. Castle Queen

    Castle Queen Warrior in training

    Nothing is helping difficult child...he is in a downward spiral. Today he got yet another detention, missed out on yet another football game. I am getting to not care so much about his missing much more concerned that he doesn't seem to care about the detentions and is delusional about the affect of all this on his school and social life. "I'm popular Mom! everybody likes me and thinks I'm funny!" He also had his ipad taken away from him for 2 weeks (all students at his school get an ipad on which they do their schoolwork, so he does have access to it at school now but cannot bring it home to do any schoolwork) because he took a picture of another boy and emailed it to his entire grade. He said someone had stolen his ipad, taken the picture and sent it, expecting me to believe him! The lying, stealing, disrespect, property damage (he has put several holes in walls and doors) has gotten so bad. He had received back a few computer privileges as a 13th birthday present (after charging over 1,000 on my credit card for downloads, see another thread) but now is back to having no screens whatsoever except watching TV with the family occasionally.

    We have tried medication changes to no avail. His therapist has no suggestions for us and is essentially worthless. difficult child isn't honest even with him. I'm thinking of leaving the man I'm engaged to because he can't relate at all to difficult child and all their interactions are negative, despite therapist's continued request to be a positive force for difficult child and try to do things with him. My fiance only seems to have time for his own son and other than that holes up in the bedroom watching TV. He's been physical with difficult child and angers easily to the point of yelling. He's been unemployed for 8 months and I work full time so he bears the brunt of manic mornings with difficult child. I moved my kids to this small town to be with him and now feel like I have no friends here at the school or anywhere. I feel like it was a huge mistake to move. But easy child loves it here...she has many good friends and earns top grades.

    difficult child has had a neuropsychologist evaluation and the diagnosis was ADHD...severe...duh...and ODD. From a neuropsychologist. No Aspergers, autism, also in fact has a near genius IQ. The neuropsychologist even said she doubted he'd qualify for an IEP, which leaves us in 504 territory...if I even knew what to ask for in terms of accommodations.

    I'm so we dump the man, the job...I just need one person on difficult child's person who believes in him....I've always been that person but now I need some shoring up because I'm so so tired of this fight for him. Most of the time, he doesn't seem to care. Once in a while he breaks down and admits he needs help, no one likes him and he has no friends...but only to me. Help please.
  2. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    I read on your signature that your son's father died earlier this year. Has that been addressed as part of his downward spiral? How has your son handled the death of his father? I don't know if you added able to find one, but a therapist who specializes in grief counseling might be what he needs right now. Does your son have a guidance counselor? Maybe they could point you in the direction of someone who could help him with this aspect. It's only been a few months since his father passed and he might now even realize that his behavior could stem from emotions rooted in grief.

  3. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I agree with Bunny. Also, you need to contact the school about having him evaluated for services and accommodations. Your difficult child is at the age where many boys that have slipped through the cracks at school suddenly are constantly in trouble. His behavior is a manifestation of his disability (ADHD). Their continual punishments will cause more problems. You also may want to consider a mentoring programing since your son's father has died and your fiancé isn't a positive force in difficult child's life. Maybe ask his school counselor, football coach or phys ed teacher for suggestions on reputable organizations in your area. The other thing is to come up with helpful and common sense consequences at home such as burning off some of that excess energy that gets him in trouble at school. Yard work, taking up running or heavy labor may help. Allow him to grow in his responsibilities so he can be proud of himself.
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    It isn't unusual to not get a spectrum diagnosis when they have a very high IQ... they know how to figure out what the tester wants to hear to get the "right" answers, but they really don't know what they are saying and/or can't implement in real life.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    To me it sounds like you got a bad neuropsychologist. How many hours of testing did he do? A neuropsychologist should know that a very high IQ kid can still have Aspergers. I'd question this one big time.

    Aside from that, I think it would probably be a very good idea to evaluate if your fiance is an asset or a liability. Just because you moved to be with him doesn't mean it necessarily needs to lead to marriage. It may be a bad time, with son just losing his father, for this man to be around at all. It does not sound as if he "gets it." I have no idea how his son behaves around your son, but maybe he is also a trigger. All in all, ask yourself if this is what you really want because it never gets better AFTER marriage than it is BEFORE marriage.

    I would get a second opinion on son's diagnosis. I'd see another neuropsychologist. They usually test 6-10 hours.
  6. Castle Queen

    Castle Queen Warrior in training

    Bunny- This is one of the reasons I am questioning the need for a new therapist. difficult child won't discuss his dad's death much at all with the current one. Or really with anybody. So the benefit of having a therapist that he's familiar with doesn't seem to be leading to more openness on difficult child's part. IT seems like most days, anyways, he is not in touch with his real feelings at all.

    Insane/MWM- the neuropsychologist did maybe 6 hours of testing all told. I knew it seemed low, but it was what was offered. She also seemed to excessively rely on statements made by me and his teacher on questionaires. I just found out she moved back to Washington State, go figure. There is one more neuropsychologist in my area, two really, but the other one refused to evaluate him a few years ago when we first asked.

    If I am honest with myself, I will admit that right now the only reason I am staying with my fiance is because I have no way to handle childcare while I work, without him. difficult child cannot be alone and there are no before or afterschool resources for him in this tiny town. I will begin by making an appointment with his guidance counselor. I think that is one bridge difficult child hasn't burned yet. It will feel good to at least be moving, even if we are just treading water.