Please help me keep my mouth shut in front of bio mom

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TerryJ2, Dec 9, 2010.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    As is our custom, we have invited difficult child's bmom, grandmother, and 1/2 brother to his birthday party. difficult child doesn't want a huge party--just a sushi dinner. So we will sit at the hibachi table, which is pretty good entertainment.
    I called the biograndmother a cpl wks ago, and she told me some very strange things. First, she said that her daughter, (difficult child's bmom) had never told the other, older son, D, that difficult child is his half brother. Huh? difficult child has introduced him as his brother at other parties and no one batted an eyelash.
    She also said that bmom won't come because Fridays at dinnertime are awful and she isn't really into the birthday thing with-difficult child anyway.
    Huh? They jumped and yelled about an open adoption and now they don't want to deal with-it?
    Bmom has missed several of difficult child's bdays and of course, it really hurts difficult child. The only benefit here is that difficult child can figure out for himself that she's a flake and he doesn't fantacize any more about the perfect like he would have had with-her.
    Today, bmom called for directions to the restaurant and said that she is coming for sure.
    Woo hoo! I knew better than to take it from the grandmother. Which is why I called bmom. I mean, the grandmother shouldn't speak for her anyway. Very strange.

    We chatted a bit, and she asked about school. I told her that difficult child was in a public school and it didn't work out at the private school. He missed a lot of days, never turned in his homework, and hated the rules.
    She was surprised, and said that her son was very into pleasing people, and very affected by opinions. "Maybe it's a phase that difficult child is going through," she said.
    Yeah, like, from birth.

    I think that bio grandmother is Aspie. She is very bossy and totally unaware of and unconcerned with-what other people think of her. She still bosses around bmom, when bmom is 34 yrs old. Bgrandmother once told me that her psychiatrist told her that she's a know-it-all. (Ya think?:devil:)

    Bmom asked if difficult child wasn't into having her at his parties, that he's going through a stage where it's not cool to have her there. I told her no, he loves having you there.
    I know she means that it's because they don't communicate much. But when you're with-a kid, you have to be the conversation initiator. Bmom just sits there and expects difficult child to start a conversation. You can't do that with-someone you only come into contact with-once a yr! So of course, husband and I do as much as we can to keep things going. It's hard work.

    Anyway, the older difficult child gets, the more his diagnosis will become apparent, and someone is going to say something. I just hope it's difficult child and not me.
  2. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Here, Terry: :wine: and :sushi: a little something to keep your mouth busy during dinner!

    And even if you DO feel the urge for a verbal purge, it sounds like bmom probably won't feel the full effect anyway because of her own difficult child-ness. Just think how much better your difficult child's life is and how much better his future will be because of all your care and hard work with him! That'd be enough to put a smug smile on MY face! :bigsmile:
  3. Jena

    Jena New Member

    wow. i never knew difficult child's story until now. so this woman, biomom states his personality and how he is? is she kidding me?? and how would she even know? gbio sounds like a doozy. you just are a really good person, better than i. i wouldnt' have the patience quite honestly especially not with all you've dealt with-with him the past few mos.

    i wish you luck, bite your tongue. hopefully it'll be too loud at the table to have to truly engage in alot of conversation that you have to keep floating.

    (((hugs))) and goooood luck!!!!!!!
  4. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Terry, I'm so sorry that bio mom is such a friggin flake. In the case of the tweedles, the judge ordered a closed adoption & absolutely no contact. Bio mom has no clue where kt & wm are. I expect she knows that they are not in the same state where she resides.

    Bio mom has no clue how to communicate with your difficult child. She's not an everyday part of his life & I expect a part of her doesn't want to know the day to day intricacies of difficult child. To be very honest I wouldn't take the effort year after year of including bio mom in difficult children birthday celebrations. She is aware of his birthday ~ she was there. She can initiate the calls & make calls to be a part of his birthday.

    I don't think difficult child should get his hopes up year after year only to be disappointed.

    JMHO ~ isn't worth much.
  5. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    Hopefully the Hibachi chef will be entertaining and it will take some focus off the awkward situation of BMom making small talk with difficult child. I hope difficult child enjoys his birthday dinner.
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you all, and thanks GVC mom for the sushi and wine. You bet I will order that!

    Yeah, gfgbmom doesn't know squat about difficult child. Or parenting in general. When the kids were little, we went on some excursion somewhere and her other son, D, was whining and yanking her arm. She started whining and turned to her mom and whined, "Mom, can't you get him off of me? I don't know what to do."
    Arrrrgh! husband and I talked about that all the way home.
    Then she complains when biograndma takes over. But bmom gave her the reins, Know what I mean??
    I have no idea why I thought her parenting skills would change over time.

    Anyway, if difficult child tells them he's Aspie, I'll never hear the end of it. They'll question every little thing, and then quote from "experts" they see in Reader's Digest.
    My plan is just to tell them to talk to difficult child instead of about him.
  7. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I think TL makes a good point. You shouldn't be bending over backwards to include her. difficult child will see on his own what she really is, and as much as that may be painful or unpleasant, it's much better than the constant disappointment because of unrealistic expectations.

    Let us know how it goes!
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    It went VERY well! Bmom, 1/2 bro and bgrandma were EARLY and chatting with-easy child when we arrived. difficult child was in a foul mood, circles under his eyes, wouldn't get out of the car, didn't like the fact I'd gotten a huge balloon and tied it to a chair. I'd forgotten to give him his clonidine, and husband drove up (everyone came from diff directions) so husband took over and I zoomed home to get the medication. Gave it to difficult child discretely under the table. 35 min later, he was smiling. Although, to be honest, that's when the edamame showed up and I realized how low his blood sugar was.
    Two other friends of ours showed up, and I brought my 82-yr-old cousin, P, who still refuses to wear her new teeth, so she gummed a cpl of peas and a bit of rice and drank a glass of wine.
    She gave difficult child some awesome shoes from a sports store and he actually put them on to wear home!!! I had primed her by saying, "No matter what you give him, he's going to hate it." So then he goes and wears the shoes -- she was so happy!
    Bmom and family gave him $140 CASH !!! and a Redskins wallet. Our friends gave him a B&N gift card and huge coffee table books on the NFL and NBL.

    It was so interesting listening to bgrandmother, now that I've decided she's Aspie. The min you say something, she comes back with-info she's read somewhere and rifles it at you. It all makes sense now. For example, she and bmom commented that difficult child looked tired. I said, "Yes, he gets up in the middle of the night to eat and play video games." Bgrandma went into this discourse on how lack of sleep can cause cancer, etc. and I just smiled and said, "You and I might know that but he won't listen to a word."

    Everyone hugged everyone goodbye (1/2 bro is now 6 ft tall and so sweet and polite and volunteered to hug people ... sheesh). No one brought up the subject of whether he knew what the heck he was doing there since bgrandma told me he supposedly doesn't know he's related to difficult child.

    Whew. Now, for thank you notes and another year to ourselves ... :winnersmiley:
  9. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

  10. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    OMG, I am still laughing about your cousin and her teeth!!!! :rofl:

    Glad everything went better than expected! It's always nice to be surprised that way. :bigsmile:
  11. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I'm glad it went well. Did your son ever ask why bmom ever chose to give him up for adoption and keep the brother?
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Yes, many times. She told us she wanted to go back to school and that it was too hard being a single mom (along with-her mother). She never went back to school and difficult child would approach me out of the blue and say, "I thought R was going back to school? That's why she gave me to you."
    Well, this yr she took online courses in criminal justice so at least we're headed in the right direction.
    He has commented on her weight several times ... not in front of her, thank d*G! difficult child is so funny, the way he phrases things. About 3 yrs ago after one of his parties, I asked difficult child if he had said goodbye to her. "Yeah, I hugged her. Boy, is she big."
    LOL. The really funny part is that they think we're all too thin and they DO say it outloud. Bgrandma is always making comments about difficult child's weight. Personally, I think he's just fine, and I see the amts of food he can pack away. My sisters and brother and I were all like that, and then middle age hit ...
    Anyway, I think difficult child has some issues with-the adoption but he's not yet adept at sorting it all out and voicing it.
    We'll get there.