Please help me sensitive subject

[mykidsaremylife84]

Ok we just found out that my DS and step daughter have been doing some "experimenting" and it's been going on for quite some time. I am completely devistated!!! My stepdau is 7 and my DS will be 8 this month. I am broken and scared and I feel so alone! My husband is mad because he's acting like his daughter is the only victim and like my DS is dirty. My stepdau started with hypersexualization when she was 2, been in counseling. I don't want to point fingers in my opinion it's not their fault! They are children! It's our job as parents to teach them right from wrong.

The devastating part is I had to send my DS to my moms, I have my 3 yr old DS sleeping in our room and my stepdau is sleeping alone in her room. I went yesterday and talked to my DS's school counselor to get some guidance and I'm scared to death about CPS. I'm taking every precaution, split the kids up, talked to them and talked to a counselor, now I'm waiting for the phone call to see what to do next.

I feel like I'm letting my son down or exiling him or like I sent him away. I feel like a horrible mother and I'm scared and my husband just doesn't want to deal with it so I'm dealing with all of this alone and I'm scared and I don't know if I'm doing anything right in how I'm handling this situation

 

[Malika]

Hello. Can you please be more specific about what what was involved in the "experimenting"? That makes a difference.

 

[Bunny]

First of all, take a deep breath! This is not your fault, and you need to keep reminding yourself of that.

Now, you said that your step daughter has been hyper sexual since the age of two and that she has been in counseling. Is she still on counseling? If so, has her counselor been told about this incident? Can you us a little bit your step daughter? Where is her mom? How long have you been in her life?

What has your son said about this? Does he understand what he was doing with her and why it's not appropriate behavior?

 

[mykidsaremylife84]

I have another post that explains the situation with my stepdau. As far as we know it's been touching and rubbing. She sees her couselor on the 17 and my DS sees his school counselor, for trouble staying on task and focusing, every week. She's the one I talked to and this school is her first job so she had no idea how to handle it so she met with her supervisor yesterday and she advised her to go ahead and make a CPS report. The supervisor and the CPS worker was very impressed with how I am handling it so the counselor told me that I look really good to them. They will either just call me and do a phone interview or come out to my house to do a home visit and wanting to know my plan. Within the next month we are moving into a 4 bedroom house so all 3 children will have their own room

 

[BusynMember]

I'm not in a position to point fingers, but your stepdaughter is the one who has been exposed to many men when her mother prostituted herself and likely she was sexually abused, maybe often. While I know both of them need help...in my opinion your son is probably the victim here. No eight year old wants to have an ongoing sexual relationship, unless he too was abused by somebody and was acting out. And, unfortunately, we rarely find out the full extent of what the "experimenting" was until much later and much counseling so you really don't know what SD is capable of doing. And what your son did back to her. She probably has a lot of knowledge about sex.

This is serious. A one time "show me yours, I'll show you mine" is normal. Continuous sexually contact means there is a victim here. And I'm betting it's both of them...her for the sexual abuse she had and him because she got him to engage with her, if my theory is right. We had this happen with a foster child in our house. He was much older and so it went to court, but younger kids, closer in age, can also be victims. The courts will not become involved with two kids so young and so close to the same age (that's a BIG key). Still...now you need to keep your guard up.

If there are other children in the house, see if there has been anything going on with them too. Do not expect them to fess up the first time nor tell the whole truth as this sort of behavior makes kids feel ashamed. I would put an alarm on this stepdaughter's door so that if she leaves her room at night, it wakes you up and you can watch her, say, go to the bathroom and make sure she goes right back to her own room. Do not let her alone with your other kids.

Now, this was a judgment call and I know you were upset but I would never have gone to the school. All they can and have to do (mandatory reporters) is call CPS. I don't think you can avoid CPS here. Just be honest with them and willing to cooperate in every way and don't get defensive or angry.

I am not sure where this will go. I don't think CPS will say it's normal because it has been going on for so long. Not in the United States, anyway, if that is where you live. Just keep your cool, get both kids the best help you can (see my answer to your explanatory post) and don't take it lightly. Unfortunately, one or the other child may have to live somewhere else, but more likely you will have to put alarms on their doors, make sure they are never alone together, and keep up the therapy. CPS helped us A LOT when we turned in our teen who was molesting our younger kids. We got so many free services that really helped our younger kids.

CPS is not the boogy man all the time. Do not panic. Make fast, preventative decisions so that they can see you have already taken action. Make sure CPS is aware of how stepdaughter's life with bio. mom was so that they have a clear picture.

Hugs and I'm so sorry you are going through this. Now...you can't do anything about it right at the moment so try to be good to yourself. Take a scented bubble bath. Read a book. Listen to calming music. Watch your favorite movie. You will get through this. None of it is the fault of you or your husband. As an ex-foster mom, we have dealt with CPS many times...for some reasons, people like to call CPS on foster parents (shrug). I never did get used to them, but I learned not to freak out. Really, they were nice almost all the time...and offered help we could not afford too!

 

[onlyone]

My only caution is to be careful about thinking about the school counselor as a personal 'counselor' for you or your family. Sometimes those at school 'talk' to others and you can end up with your child/children being the subject of discussion- despite the privacy laws in place. Also be careful about getting into the CPS system. Once 'big brother' gets involved in your personal life, it may be hard to get them out.
There are excellent school counselors, and excellent CPS workers, but as one who works in the public school system, much more 'sharing' of students personal issues goes on than one would hope.
You do have a scary situation- so hard to make sure your son doesn't get blamed or targeted just because he is the male and the elder child.

 

[TerryJ2]

Good insights and ideas here. You seem to be doing all the right things. I am sending {{hugs}}

 

[BusynMember]

You are missing A LOT and I frankly find it appalling that you tried to actually penetrate the little girl you "experimented" with, but if that was the only time, agree it was not a big issue.

You need to read the entire story before you jump down our throats. If you do read it, and still find it harmless, let's just say I wouldn't want you babysitting.

I don't know where you come from and maybe we have cultural differences, but I think it is more likely you have not read the story of this child, who was probably introduced to sex by grown men her mother exposed her to. This was long term.

I don't remember simulating sex at a young age. Where are you from? Maybe I was just sheltered, but I didn't even know how babies were made at age six.

We are a group of parents with difficult children. Would you like to share your story about your difficult child with us? Do you HAVE a child? I looked back at your other posts and most of them were just telling us we overreact.

You may want to do a signature like I did below to show us an overview of who you are.

 

[Liahona]

This is very scary. Sending support your way. What is your plan? Does your daughter's therapist see lots of sexually abused kids? This is a problem we also deal with at my house. Though my difficult children haven't taken it as far. Do you have alarms on their doors?