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Please help with our decision to bail 35 yr old son out of jail..
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 636853" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>No bail.</p><p></p><p>This may be the one chance your son has to take responsibility for where he has taken his life.</p><p></p><p>He has to see who he is before he can change who he is.</p><p></p><p>I am the same way you are. I don't let myself see the bad things that need changing. I concentrate on the positives and cheer myself hoarse over how sure I am that everything is going to resolve successfully and we are all going to be oh, so happy.</p><p></p><p>My son is 39.</p><p></p><p>He stopped talking to me back in March, when I told him I wasn't sending anymore money. (After this time -- ahem.) I told him too that he had been raised better than to do what he was doing, and that he needed to stand up and take responsibility. </p><p></p><p>So, I spent the following months in this weird place of believing, more surely every day, that I was a defective mother. So, when my son actually deigned to speak to me again, along about September?</p><p></p><p>I already had myself all softened up.</p><p></p><p>The problem here is that I want to feel like I am a good mom.</p><p></p><p>That's my vulnerability. </p><p></p><p>And my son is willing and vehemently able to exploit that vulnerability, whether it destroys me or not, to get what he wants.</p><p></p><p>And it's all so crazy and ugly that I get swamped and start wondering what kind of mother would not help her own son.</p><p></p><p>Like I said.</p><p></p><p>That is my vulnerability. </p><p></p><p>It has nothing to do with my son.</p><p></p><p>It has to do with my intention to be the kind, understanding mom I wish I had had.</p><p></p><p>My wanting to be a good mom so I can stand to look at myself in the mirror is the weapon my own son uses against me.</p><p></p><p>So anyway, it wasn't long at all before our relationship devolved into what it had been. Last week he lowered the boom.</p><p></p><p>It doesn't even matter what he wanted. What matters is that he tore into that innocent, harmless little vulnerability in me to get it.</p><p></p><p>But I have this site.</p><p></p><p>And though I wasn't clear on anything but that I'd been hurt, we were able to figure it out.</p><p></p><p>And now you have this site, too.</p><p></p><p>:0)</p><p></p><p>No bail.</p><p></p><p>Take it one step at a time.</p><p></p><p>We are right here, and we have been where you are, now.</p><p></p><p>I agree that an AlAnon meeting today will help and strengthen you.</p><p></p><p>Welcome to the site, sheila.</p><p></p><p>I'm glad you are here.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 636853, member: 17461"] No bail. This may be the one chance your son has to take responsibility for where he has taken his life. He has to see who he is before he can change who he is. I am the same way you are. I don't let myself see the bad things that need changing. I concentrate on the positives and cheer myself hoarse over how sure I am that everything is going to resolve successfully and we are all going to be oh, so happy. My son is 39. He stopped talking to me back in March, when I told him I wasn't sending anymore money. (After this time -- ahem.) I told him too that he had been raised better than to do what he was doing, and that he needed to stand up and take responsibility. So, I spent the following months in this weird place of believing, more surely every day, that I was a defective mother. So, when my son actually deigned to speak to me again, along about September? I already had myself all softened up. The problem here is that I want to feel like I am a good mom. That's my vulnerability. And my son is willing and vehemently able to exploit that vulnerability, whether it destroys me or not, to get what he wants. And it's all so crazy and ugly that I get swamped and start wondering what kind of mother would not help her own son. Like I said. That is my vulnerability. It has nothing to do with my son. It has to do with my intention to be the kind, understanding mom I wish I had had. My wanting to be a good mom so I can stand to look at myself in the mirror is the weapon my own son uses against me. So anyway, it wasn't long at all before our relationship devolved into what it had been. Last week he lowered the boom. It doesn't even matter what he wanted. What matters is that he tore into that innocent, harmless little vulnerability in me to get it. But I have this site. And though I wasn't clear on anything but that I'd been hurt, we were able to figure it out. And now you have this site, too. :0) No bail. Take it one step at a time. We are right here, and we have been where you are, now. I agree that an AlAnon meeting today will help and strengthen you. Welcome to the site, sheila. I'm glad you are here. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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Please help with our decision to bail 35 yr old son out of jail..
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