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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 649329" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Agree with pasajes4. On top of that, your son has to learn someday that there are consequences for being a drug addict. He must have been an addict for a long time and it wasn't good judgment to make a baby. Unfortunately, with his history, even if he went to court, the best he could get is supervised visitation.</p><p></p><p>One thing all of us have had to learn because it's the truth even if we refuse to accept is...we can't change anyone but us. That includes our grown kids, their baby mamas, anyone. We have 0 control over others. None of us, as hard as it is to admit, can save our kids or make them live if they are hell bent on self-destruction. I do not know your son's drug of choice, but some are hard to quit and burning desire to WANT to quit has to be there, even if they are under pressure or sad. Life isn't easy. You know that. We all know that. We would not be here if life was easy. But we aren't taking drugs because of it. That is on him. Nothing you do will make him quit if he isn't highly motivated.Is he using meth? Heroin? Both very hard to quit. It can be done, but they really need to be extremely motivated and willing to deal with pain and withdrawal. Medical supervision is best.</p><p></p><p>Are you in Al-Anon? I find that a very comforting source.</p><p></p><p>I am 61 myself and I changed a lot in the last decade and am still changing. I did not have drugs to deal with since my daughter did quit, but I had to deal with a son we adopted who walked out of our life completely and a very difficult 37 year old son..I have learned to be careful of how I allow him to treat me. He has rules; boundaries. I stick to them.</p><p></p><p>In the meantime, you can do what I did. You can decide YOU are important in these exciting years and do what is best for YOU. You must have loved ones who are doing well and can love you and appreciate the good person you are. Hang with them. Do the things you love to do. Make sure you are busy and active. Do not check your son's FB...it will only hurt you. Get therapy. Go to Al-Anon. Start enjoying your life and remind yourself that your son is writing his own story as you write yours. You can't edit his story. Only he can do that so it is not worth it to give up the rest of your life worrying about him. Let it go the best you can. Don't get excited with each little triumph of your son...guard yourself...see if it lasts for over a year first. It doesn't help anyone if you get sick because you are so worried and neglecting yourself.</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry you have this pain. It is and was never your fault. Guilt is useless, if you feel it (most of us do). Yet most of us older members are thriving in spite of our grown troubled children. You can have a good life in spite of his problems. It takes work to learn how, but it's well worth it. Hugs!!!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 649329, member: 1550"] Agree with pasajes4. On top of that, your son has to learn someday that there are consequences for being a drug addict. He must have been an addict for a long time and it wasn't good judgment to make a baby. Unfortunately, with his history, even if he went to court, the best he could get is supervised visitation. One thing all of us have had to learn because it's the truth even if we refuse to accept is...we can't change anyone but us. That includes our grown kids, their baby mamas, anyone. We have 0 control over others. None of us, as hard as it is to admit, can save our kids or make them live if they are hell bent on self-destruction. I do not know your son's drug of choice, but some are hard to quit and burning desire to WANT to quit has to be there, even if they are under pressure or sad. Life isn't easy. You know that. We all know that. We would not be here if life was easy. But we aren't taking drugs because of it. That is on him. Nothing you do will make him quit if he isn't highly motivated.Is he using meth? Heroin? Both very hard to quit. It can be done, but they really need to be extremely motivated and willing to deal with pain and withdrawal. Medical supervision is best. Are you in Al-Anon? I find that a very comforting source. I am 61 myself and I changed a lot in the last decade and am still changing. I did not have drugs to deal with since my daughter did quit, but I had to deal with a son we adopted who walked out of our life completely and a very difficult 37 year old son..I have learned to be careful of how I allow him to treat me. He has rules; boundaries. I stick to them. In the meantime, you can do what I did. You can decide YOU are important in these exciting years and do what is best for YOU. You must have loved ones who are doing well and can love you and appreciate the good person you are. Hang with them. Do the things you love to do. Make sure you are busy and active. Do not check your son's FB...it will only hurt you. Get therapy. Go to Al-Anon. Start enjoying your life and remind yourself that your son is writing his own story as you write yours. You can't edit his story. Only he can do that so it is not worth it to give up the rest of your life worrying about him. Let it go the best you can. Don't get excited with each little triumph of your son...guard yourself...see if it lasts for over a year first. It doesn't help anyone if you get sick because you are so worried and neglecting yourself. I am so sorry you have this pain. It is and was never your fault. Guilt is useless, if you feel it (most of us do). Yet most of us older members are thriving in spite of our grown troubled children. You can have a good life in spite of his problems. It takes work to learn how, but it's well worth it. Hugs!!!! [/QUOTE]
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