Please no judgement .....

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by ColleenB, Feb 13, 2016.

  1. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    yesterday my son revealed that he narrowly missed being arrested. He says that there is an investigation around his supplier and he was tipped off by a friend who either works in law or knows someone.

    He was very freaked out. He says he has been trying to get out, but that he still owes 1200. He said the person looking for the money was coming to town this weekend. His fear was evident.

    So I did exactly what so many will say I shouldn't.... I got him the money. Please no judgement...... I have enough for all of you.

    He really seemed scared, and that scared me.

    He says he is done with this life, that he wants to just be normal. I believe him.

    Someone I trust , the only one besides my husband, said to me when I expressed I can't believe he chose this.... " he didn't, he made other choices that started out small and became this" in some way that gave me some comfort. No one wants to think their child choose to become a drug dealer. I said I would rather he had cancer.... He choose this. That's when she said " no... He didn't"

    I really do think he wants out, and because I could, I helped him.

    Will he get out this time? I hope so with every fibre of my being........
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I don't know if it was on the forum, or if it was somewhere else, but I remember somebody saying that there is a case to be made for paying off the dealer. Sometimes, the dealer will come after not just the user (who is sub-dealing), but also the dealer's family.

    If he actually uses the cash to pay off the dealer and change his life, it will be good. If he doesn't follow through, you will know where he stands.

    Sometimes there are no "right" answers, and we just do the best we can, often relying on a gut feel. No judgement from me.
    • Agree Agree x 4
    • Friendly Friendly x 3
    • List
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am not judging but unless you handed it to the draler I doubt it went anywhere but for more drugs. And sadly I dont think it will make him quit unless he has at least begged for a rehab.
    When my daughter used she owed MANY dealers who threatened her.she left town and did eventually quit and it has now been years of being clean.
    Time will tell for your son.
    My daughter had to relapse several times before she quit. It usually is not a straight shot. And words mean nothing. I heard thrm all. Only long term action shows you if they get it together.t

    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Informative Informative x 1
    • List
  4. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    We know he isn't using drugs right now. He has a different personality when he is using. We have been there.

    I have to believe him at this point.
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
  5. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    You can use this as a 1 time thing. It is always each individual persons decision to decide how much or how little help to give. What feels right to one person will not feel right to another.
    I hope your son is sincere. If he is not, you will know soon enough.
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I hope the same Colleen.
    There may be responses that are strong worded and seem like judgement, please understand that it comes from kind and caring folks who may have been in similar experiences. Everyones situation is unique. To each, his own.........

    No judgement from me, I don't think any of us have the right to judge.

    I have to tell you, this caught my breath. It must have been an extremely difficult decision for you. You were very brave and honest to post about it.
    We are all trying our best here in very difficult times.

    We are living and learning.

    I hope your son understands the position he has put himself and his family in, and uses this as a pivotal point.

    It is a desperate measure for a desperate situation.
    Hopefully, he is being truthful and sincere and will use the money to pay off his debt, and go in an entirely different direction.
    Only time will tell.
    I am sorry for the pain of all of this.

    My heart and prayers go out to you and yours.
    Keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we are here for you and each other.

  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Absolutely no judgement from me. You have to do what feels right to you at the time even if that seems off to other people. You have to live with your decisions and what they may bring.... And the reality is drugs, and drug dealing are dangerous things and can end in death.... And I think we all have to do what we think might save our child. I have some close much older friends who had a son my age..... Who eventually got clean. But they said to me once, sometimes it is just about keeping them alive! That they at times did things they never thought they would do. I keep that in mind. So I hope he is sincere, really pays off the dealer and that this helps him get and stay clean. And if doesn't you know you listened to your heart and did what you thought was best at the time.
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with pasa, you will know soon enough. You did what you thought was best at the time, we have all been there done that. If he paid off the dealer and he's done that's great, but he will still need help to quit. I don't know very many people who could quit on their own. I so hope he has chosen the path to recovery.

    We care about you Colleen, none of us judges you. We may have different opinions but we also support each other's decisions. Let us know what happens. Don't ever be afraid to tell us anything.
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • List
  9. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    I would have done the exact same thing. I hope your son gets out and stays clean. Keep us posted.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I recommend watching the show Intervention. It shows both what the addicts do and how desperate many mothers get. A few have driven their kids to their dealers house, paying for the dope, because they could not stand to see how sick (called dope sick) their kids get when they dont have their drugs. It is amazing what moms will do to do our best to make our kids comfortable.
    The first time I saw a parent do this on the show I was flabbetgasted, but she turned out not to be the only one. Of course the interventist insisted the mothers stop if they want their kids to quit and get well.
    After getting hooked on this show I learned way more than I ever knew about addiction, but I also saw that a family intervention often works. I reccomend one to all parents of drug adficted adults. The person can refuse to enter the rehab, but most do go and most succeed.
    If I had known about interventions when my daughter used, I would have had one.
    Hugs and warm wishes.
  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    The night before we took our son to rehab in July we bought him alcohol because we were worried about his withdrawing without medical help. It was the strangest yucky feeling to do that.
  12. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    He just woke up after 18 hours of sleeping.

    We don't know if it's the depression, or if it's relief of having paid off the dealer, or if it's drug induced.

    I feel like I live in two worlds. One where people are normal, abide by the law, kids go to univ and are happy and healthy..... Then this dark and scary work where my kid has been a dealer and drug user. He told us he even had an apartment where he kept it all. He said he gave up that lease a month ago as he was trying to get out of the "business" ..... It's shocking and horrifying.

    I feel fake being around my friends who are still in my old world. I used to be one of them, feeling joy and being grateful for my healthy and happy family. We were happy. I was happy.

    I feel so much sadness now and shame. I don't think I will ever be the same. I feel like the things I used to love, going to friends homes for laughs and dinner parties are not something I even want. My friends have noticed this as I cancel now all the time.

    I don't want to hear their funny stories about their kids who are still in that wholesome, safe world. Mine is telling me things I never dreamed of. He was not raised in that world, and his comfort in it scares me so much. Will he ever be ok?

    So so sad for all the lost dreams I had of my sweet smart boy.
    • Informative Informative x 1
    • List
  13. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Colleen, I know you probably do not want to know the particulars, it is all so horrifying.
    But, if he is sleeping this much.......I suggest you try to find out what he was in to.
    He may need rehab.......I am sorry, I know the pain of this and what you write of. If he is truly reaching out for help, and wants to leave that world behind, he should be able to share..........and may need extra help to break free and clean from whatever gripped him.

    Hugs for your hurting heart.

  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Colleen, you still are that good, wholesome person you always were. Your son is not you and nothing he does should make YOU feel badly. If you prefer,only share about him with a therapist or here. It isnt good to isolate. Joining al anon could also help.
    Your son may still be using drugs or coming off of a high. My daughter had weird sleeping habits when she used. I thought it was a mood disorder. Indeed,she was diagnosed with one, however I have found that there is no way to get an accurate psychiatric diagnosis until somebody is totally sober for several months. My daughter, now clean,bis clearly not mentally ill.
    Drug use causes what looks like mania, depression and even psychosis. The truth is, it sounds as if he's way beyond just pot. They dont tell us . I thought my daughter was only using pot. After she quit she told the truth and shocked me. Meth, ecstacy, any speed, downers for sleep etc.
    Its best to accept that until somebody willingly goes to a rehab and works very hard to get clean that drugs are still around. If your son quits, as my daughter did, you will see a huge change in personal hygiene, friends, ambition, stability and a new interest in the future. Most people need a rehab to quit. We usually do not know what is really going on in our adult childrens drug lives.
    The good news is that every single day different substance abusers get serious,go to rehab, and quit.
    There is no way for anybody to know if or when it will happen. It is up to the individual.
    Heres hoping your son makes that decision soon and you get help for yourself in the meantime. You matter as much as your son and can learn coping skills so that you no longer suffer so much.
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2016
  15. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Colleen I feel for you. I am there with my son also. We paid dealers before but only very small amounts of money. I have aged so much in the past few years. My son last used Vicodin on a binge that lasted a month. He thinks since it's prescribed by a doctor it's not a big deal but it was not prescribed to him!! The odd thing is that he does that about twice a year and the rest of the time he's pretty normal except for anxiety and depression so HIS normal not my other son's normal, so my husband and I don't even know what to call it. When he's in it, it's truly addiction.

    I really do know how you feel. You can't get ANY relief. I am in and out of that feeling myself. I do know that me making myself sick with worry doesn't change anything with him. We just make him feel bigger consequences like taking away things - no car. Turn phone off etc. But since he's 20 now things will get more severe. I'm letting his dad/my husband handle him more since I am too emotional. I just want him to be normal but it isn't that simple. Our friends son just got a full scholarship to Xaviar University and wants to be a fireman. My son = nothing. Takes 2 classes at community college but I'm trying to be happy for that because years ago that was not even an option. I'm really trying to give it to God and leave it there. No one should ever have to go through this. These ladies are wonderful on this site and it does help to know you're not alone. We all have a different story and we all do our best.
  16. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member


    Of course you are grieving for the future you thought your son had. I would like to see you reject the shame you feel, though. You've done nothing wrong.

    Did you encourage your son to experiment with drugs? Did you throw wild parties at your house and invite people to sample different substances? Did you sit down with your son and hand him a joint and say "try this - it won't hurt you?"

    Of course not. You showed him a different way to live.

    I don't know why some people are drawn to the drug culture. Maybe it has to do with the danger and thumbing their noses at conventional society. I'm sorry that your son is on that path, but you didn't put him there.

  17. UpandDown

    UpandDown Active Member


    Your words ring so familiar to me.

    I feel the same way. Our struggles with our sons have different circumstances but the feeling is the same. I often say I feel like I am out on an island by myself. The ups and downs and things I experience in a day with my son are just so difficult. I can't relate to any of my friends who are dealing with "normal" teen problems.

    I just want you to know you are not alone. I am sorry for your pain.
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  18. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Ditto ...
    Ditto ...
  19. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Hi Colleen;

    Do you know what kind of drugs your son was selling? You had mentioned marijuana before. Perhaps you can make the money you gave him a loan that he can pay back. That could be a good lesson for him and good incentive.

    My son thinks marijuana is the best thing ever and while I don't think it's horrible in itself it has been a gateway drug for him so that is why I don't want him doing it but if I could get him to be the son I want him to be I wouldn't be on here talking about him and trying to figure it all out.

    I too always think about something I could say or do to make things right, some type of magic that will fix this all so we can all get back on with our normal lives but I don't think anything like that exists.

    I am a ditto on everything you said too like Kalahou.

    Prayers to you and all of us and hang in there because we really have no other choice.
  20. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    Today was the first day he has been awake in the daytime. He even showered, something he rarely does. He seemed more clear today.

    I tried not to press or ask too many questions as he will usually get defensive and anxious. I just let him be today. I had today off and I was worried it would make him escape the house, but he seemed ok. He eve started cleaning his room, he didn't finish, but it's a huge step that he even cares.

    Trying to just be accepting and not read too much into it.

    My husband and I are supposed to go away for a week in three weeks and we were thinking of cancelling, even though that would be heartbreaking for my sister who we are meeting up with. My younger son says it would make older son feel worse if we cancel. I agree but is that selfish of me to want to go away? I just want to feel ok about leaving them .... But I feel so guilty. Youger son says he would call us if there was anything....

    I don't know what to do. We will probably wait right until the end before we decide.