Please Offer An Opinion

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by mom_to_3, Dec 21, 2007.

  1. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    Okay, I need you all to help me out here. I am feeling angry.

    My grandson lives with his father and his girlfriend. My difficult child lives out of state. When we want to see our grandson, he's 4 yrs. old, I just go to his fathers house and ask to take him to lunch or ask to see if he can spend the night or weekend because they do not have a telephone. I know it's rude and I feel rude doing it, but feel I have no other choice if I want to see our grandson.

    A couple of weeks ago I went to ask if he could spend the weekend with us. He was allowed to come, but with "conditions" and of course the snot, ahem....... girlfriend thought she needed to have a talk with me. She told me that the 2 previous times that our grandson spent the night with us that he had a bad attitude when he returned. I can understand that because the whole time I am in route to taking him back home, he is telling me that he doesn't want to go home. I have asked him why and one time he told me, "I hate my dad". I did correct him and told him, Oh, no, don't talk like that about your father! Another time he told me that at 4 yrs. old that his dad spanks him with a belt and that the girlfriend "pops" him on the mouth. I usually have him call his mother, our difficult child in the car while I am taking him home. I have it on speaker phone and he tells her that he doesn't want to go home and he told her he hates his father. So, I guess I can understand that he has an attitude when he gets home.

    I did ask the girlfriend what kind of an attitude he has and she said he had an attitude that he is better than everyone else, like he has his nose up in the air!!! And, that is our fault! Please! How can we make a 4 yr. old have an attitude like that? Grrrrrrr.

    The next problem............ Our grandson is potty trained and does not have accidents in our home. I pretty much ensure that is the case as I take him to the bathroom often and praise him when he goes in the potty. He was having problems with bm's in his underwear at home, so a couple of months ago I started offering a piece of gum every time he got even the tiniest amount of bm in the potty. He loved it and never had an accident here! I do believe in positive reinforcement and our grandson responds well to it.

    The problem the girlfriend has with me????? I put our grandson in a pullup at naptime and nighttime to ensure that my mattresses are not soiled. She wants me to not put him in a pullup and says that *I* have made him regress in his bathroom habits. In all honesty, our grandson has been dry and clean for the last month. I honestly don't believe that me putting him in a pullup is making him regress!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is clean and dry in his underwear and pullups while he is here. When he goes home, he wets and soils his underwear day and night.

    I know that I can purchase and put a waterproof mattress pad on to protect the mattress and just wash it all (more work if he has an accident) but it just galls me, for her to tell me what to do in MY home.

    I really don't think this has to do with me or us at all. I think it has everything to do with this young child's home life. I didn't want to say that to the girlfriend, but I did explain to her that children have different rules everywhere they go. She thought I was confusing him. I explained to her that they have their own rules in their home, he had different rules in pre -k before they took him out and he has different rules at our house and he is capable of adapting to different situations. It's normal! Oh, then she went on to tell me that the gum I was giving him as a reward, she didn't want me to give him because #1 he was already potty trained and did not need a reward and #2, he swallows the gum and it will get stuck in his intestines and he will need surgery like her brother because your body can't digest gum. Oh my goodness! Of course your body does not digest gum, just like it doesn't digest corn ~ it just passes on thru just like corn. It would be the rare occasion that it would cause a physical problem.

    The current problem, we are supposed to pick him up tomorrow for a couple of days, but guess what??? She tells my difficult child that we can only have him IF we don't put pull ups on him. This makes me angry! For one he isn't her child, but I do have to give credit that she is caring for him and I use that term loosely. And I think it is nervy for her to tell me what to do in my own home. For Pete's sake, I've raised three children already and potty trained several more than that.

    And worst of all she tells me what to do when she can't seem to keep him clean or dry while he is at home? Whenever I pick him up and take him out or home with me....... the boy NEVER, EVER has underwear on! That is just nasty. I tell him to go put on underwear before we leave and guess what? The girlfriend tells me that he doesn't have any clean underwear that he had peed and pooped in all of his underwear! Last month for his birthday, one of the things we got him were new underwear, 6 pair that he chose his characters, transformers and power rangers. I know that he had underwear before I bought new ones. So why does she wait so long to wash? Why is he soiling and wetting in his underwear so much at home? I think their lifestyle is the problem, not me! We provide loving care, attention, a routine, meals, sleep and a peaceful environment with guidelines and expectations.

    What is your take on this? I am angry! I have "swallowed" so much from these people for the sake of our grandson and so that we could keep in contact and to be sure he is okay. In the past I have called CPS on them and they have an open case, it may be closing in the next month or so. I am tired of having these people manipulating us to see our grandson.

    Am I missing something here? Any other options other than just sucking it up or not seeing our grandson?

    And FYI............... our precious grandson, I am convinced, is a difficult child just like his mother. My husband saw it before I did, I didn't want to believe it,but yep, it's undeniably true.
  2. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    He is having all those problems because of the home life. (((hugs))) It must be heartbreaking for you to have to deliver him back there. I would smile and tell her you'll do as she asks. It's not worth the argument, and you still want to see him. Be nice to her, as painful as that is. She may take out her anger towards you on that precious child. Buy him a ton of underwear, since she's a lame (bad word), poor guy!!!Give him as much love as you can when he's with you-it sounds like that's all he gets. I'm so sorry. -Alyssa
  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    First, I'd be calling CPS. Using a belt on a 4 YO is not acceptable, neither is "popping him in the mouth." Sorry, but this sounds like abuse to me. You don't have to give your name when calling. It can be anonymous but this little boy needs protection.

    Keep some clean underwear for him at your house. Abide by her rules as much as you can. If she's dumb enough to believe that wive's tale about gum, so be it, no gum. Give him an M&M every time. You say he hasn't had any accident at your place anyway, so the pullups may be safe to skip. In other words, jump through her hoops unless you know your son will let you see your grandson regardless.

    You can't do a thing about his attitude when he goes home. It is a grandparent's job to spoil their grandkids. Just seem to go with the territory. The best you can do is let the girl friend know you'll follow her rules as much as humanly possible. The fact he comes with attitude is truly something you can't control and you're sorry it's happening. Yeah, I know you're not but make the witch with a B happy. It beats not being able to see your grandson.

    In the meantime, just HUGS to you and to him.
  4. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    Thanks upallnight,
    Unfortunately, they ask my grandson if he wore pullups and he tells them the truth. Yey, for him telling the truth! This last time I didn't come right out and say I'd do as she asked, I just kinda smoothed over it to try to avoid a confrontation. We are to pick him up tomorrow to have him thru Christmas Eve, but ONLY if we don't put pull ups on him. Now my difficult child is asking me to do the same so that she doesn't have to hear it from them. I would never ask my grandson to lie or instruct him to do so.
  5. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    It sounds to me like THEY are the ones who are causing his problems and really, they have no right to tell you what to do in your own home. HOWEVER, if the alternative is that they won't let you take him, I'd buy a mattress pad and some underwear to keep at your house, give him a different kind of reward instead of gum, and let them think they've won because you are surely a good influence on him and maybe the only sanity he has in his life and fighting about baby doo-doo is not important enough to ruin his one good thing.
    Good luck.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    First thing I'd do is be putting a call in to CPS. A belt on a 4 yr old?? and being popped on the mouth??? Oh, come on!

    Now see, first thing I'd have done during your conversation is very sweetly have turned it around on HER and asked what they were doing to cause the poor lil guy to be regressing on his potty training in their home when he can obviously stick to it elsewhere.

    The belt, mouth popping, and sudden change in toilet habits is NOT a good combination. A 4 yr old saying he hates his pretty unusual. (they usually idolize their Dad's at that age) To top it off she has him running around without underwear.

    I know you want to see your grandson, but for me his safety would have to come first. And I'm wondering just how safe he is in his father's home.

    Your difficult child has no problem with a belt being used on her preschooler? If you're afraid of trouble with visitation, could you get difficult child to make the call to CPS for you?

    This Needs to be investigated. Yesterday.

  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    First: They are abusing him. Popping a 4 year in the mouth for any reason (or at any age really) is not OKAY. And neither is using a belt on him - what could a 4 year possibly do to deserve a belt or a pop in the mouth? I mean, even a difficult child, at the most, should get a little swat on the rear end and only if he puts himself or others in danger, or heaven forbid, a parent loses his/her temper! CALL CPS AND REPORT THEM AGAIN!! KEEP REPORTING THEM!

    Second: If you don't want your grandson to lie and the only way they will allow him to stay over is if you don't put on the pull ups, go buy those nice little softly coated bed liners and slip it under the sheet without grandson knowing. Don't even discuss his father/girlfriend's demands. Simply tell him that you were noticing that his pullups are always dry so you thought you'd try him going without..."you're such a big boy now, you're doing so well, yadda yadda yadda" Do not discuss his father's/girlfriend's unfair and inhumane demands - just handle it on your own. Go buy an extra couple of pairs of jammies for him just in case and if he does mess, don't make it an issue and God Forbid - don't tell the girlfriend!

    Third: A question...what if he is removed from their home? Are you willing and able to take in grandson and would you? Just curious. Because if you are willing and able, then I'd say fight for him, the poor thing. If you're not, then you can only make an impact in the time that he spends with you. I'd be sure to love him up and make sure he eats well, gets plenty of attention, read to, a good nights sleep, bathed, etc. Check for marks on his body!

    Hugs - I'd be dying inside every time I dropped him back home.
  8. ck1

    ck1 New Member

    I agree with everyone else...follow their rules as much as possible just so you can see your precious grandson. He certainly needs you!!! Just an FYI: instead of pullups (even though they are the most convenient) you could buy pad-like things to put in his underwear when he goes to bed. It may not help too much for bm's but would absorb any wet leaks. I've gotten them at Babies R Us to use when my little ones may have had more water to drink before bed and I don't want them to wet through their diapers. This way, you could still follow her (very silly) rules but also have a little extra protection for your mattress.

    Also, my guess is that they (or more specifically, girlfriend) would find something to complain about no matter what you do. That's how some people are and it's really annoying to have to work with them...just do your best!
  9. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    I have called CPS NUMEROUS times! They have an OPEN case right now. I don't call anonymously, I leave my name and number, I have talked to the caseworker, they know I am his grandmother. My difficult child is not mother material at all. She actually left the state without her son!

    I think a lot is unusual in that house. I don't approve of the "discipline" they use on him. It's unbelievable that they would complain to me, when I give them a break! Remember the saying, don't kick a gift horse in the mouth? I am not looking to take our grandson away from his father by calling CPS. What I want to happen is for them to be responsible parents to our grandson. I hope that could happen as I don't think I could raise another difficult child. But, we love him like crazy and want to be involved in his life. He calls me "Ma" and told me, "Ma, you are my best Ma, girl"
  10. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    We have a kid in our class who is a 5-year old autistic child. He is left alone while mom works all night coming home at 7am. Oh, his 6 year old sister is in charge. He goes outside screaming early in the am, he has been returned to school at 5:30 pm because nobody got him off the bus at his house(nor called to see what happenend to him). DYFS doesn't do anything. I'm guessing that unless there is something extreme (to them) they don't do anything. I think that if you see a bruise, then go to the police station-there will be tangible evidence then. Otherwise the dad may know it's you, and it maybe backfire. Sadly, if there is a bruise- he can tell everyone from DYFS what happenend. If there isn't one,.the dad won't admit to harming him.I don't know, just throwing ideas out there.-Alyssa
  11. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    And................ I don't take any of their clothes from their home. There usually aren't clean clothes, they smell and or are stained up and don't match. We have bought 4 or 5 outfits for him, a pair of shoe's, socks, underwear and he has 3 pair of jammies and a jacket here. When I bring him to our home the first thing we have always done is to bath him, brush his teeth, clean his ears and cut his fingernails and toenails and put fresh clothes on him. Then I wash the clothes he came in so that I can send him home clean and fresh. I used to get his hair cut for him, but now they shave his head. I do check him for marks, but have not seen any.
  12. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I would put another call into CPS, and not let this case close. If a 4 year old says he hates his father there is a lot more going on than even the belt of popping in the mouth. Which is horrible, and gut wrenching.

    I would do nothing that would jeopardize you seeing the boy. If they don't want pull ups, figure something else out - because you may be the only candle this boy has.

    Have you told CPS you would consider adoption, or temp foster guardianship of the boy? This might expedite things.

    Sending hugs and wisdom your way.
  13. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    Okay, I ran to Wal-Mart and picked up the waterproof pads for his bed AND........... the M & M's. We'll pick him up tomorrow, give him a break and we'll enjoy him until Christmas Eve night. He'll be thrilled with his Christmas here and his two favorite Aunts who smother him with attention. :smile: Thanks guys, and wish me luck keeping my attitude in check.
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    He is running around in no underwear and is filthy? Call a SUPERVISOR at DYFS. Make some noise with them, because this child is in danger.

    He is blessed to have you, especially because it seems his dad and stepmom are not competent parents.


  15. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Give him extra hugs.

    And (((hugs))) to you.
  16. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I would be very cautious of making a report if there are no marks on him. Four year olds have been known to embellish. For example, perhaps he is told "Aren't you lucky I don't pop you in the mouth or beat you with a belt like I was!?" (Not ok, by the way) Or threatened. You want to be sure before you say anything, lest the accusation can't be proved (doesn't mean it's not true) and they cut you off from him for spite.

    It sounds like you are doing a very good job with him. That would be very difficult.