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Please respond - Mother in Guatemala
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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 57937" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>He went to live with my sister (we live in the same place, just a house in the middle) because he said he couldn´t bear being near me because I was a total faillure as a mother.</p><p></p><p>*****************</p><p></p><p>You are not a failure ~ not as a mother, a woman, or a human being. You are a survivor. Your love for your son, your grief at his situation, is plain in every word you wrote.</p><p></p><p>******************</p><p></p><p>I think I cried every day, since he has been 12-years old, </p><p></p><p>******************</p><p></p><p>he is obsessed in going there to visit her and is every day asking me for the money that in this moment I do not have. He has no other conversation, no other idea in his mind. He just asks for money, if I do not give him money for his cell phone (he has been spending over a thousand dollars in calls to Europe) he attacks me verbally or tries to destroy parts of our property.</p><p></p><p>********************</p><p></p><p>I think you need to tell your son that he was raised better than to behave in this way. Because you have been through so much yourself, and because your son is choosing to behave as he does, you may feel that you must have done something wrong as a mother. </p><p></p><p>This is not true.</p><p></p><p>Your love for your son, and your grief at his situation, shines through every word of your posting. </p><p></p><p>********************</p><p>Two years ago, I moved with my fiancée. </p><p></p><p>Though, everybody makes me feel like I abandoned him. I go to see him every day, pay for his food, his transportation, his home, everything. He never calls me to see how I am doing. He just asks for money. The only thing is that we do not sleep in the same house. But still I feel terribly guilty and this is how he manipulates me.</p><p></p><p>****************************</p><p></p><p>You will become stronger, now that you have found the site. The hardest thing in the world, for any of us, is to believe that it is the child who is responsible for his actions. If we acknowledge that the child is choosing to do as he does ~ and will continue to do so, whatever we do ~ it breaks our secret hearts. We don't want to see our children in pain. We will bend over backwards to rationalize how all of it is really our fault. When this was still happening to me, it was because, somewhere in my heart, I believed that if I had caused my son to do what he was doing to himself, then if only I could figure out what it was I did, I could fix it. I could help him, I could take the pain away, and he would be the wonderful boy he was, once.</p><p></p><p>What I learned here on the site is that the only way I could truly help my son was to allow him to bear the consequences of his choices ~ and that meant no more blaming anyone or anything else for anything.</p><p></p><p>You loved your son, and you provided for his welfare and education. HE is the one not meeting his obligations.</p><p></p><p>********************</p><p></p><p>He calls me about 20 times a day asking for the money to this trip. He just started college, he has no job, no responsibilities, we are still paying for his car. I do not have the money right now, but I am afraid he will damage himself if he does not go to this trip. I believe he has developed fear of abandonement with the girlfriend.</p></blockquote><p></p><p>In our Parent Emeritus archives there is a posting which lists things we may say when our children call and abuse us over the phone. </p><p></p><p>Part of what you will need to do now is to work on letting go of </p><p>your fear for your son's safety and even, your concern for his pain. These are lessons your son needs to learn. It will be very hard to do this ~ but you have all of us, now. We have been where you are. With the support of all of us here on the site, you will begin to feel less alone, less uncertain. </p><p></p><p>I am so sorry this is happening to you, or to any of us.</p><p></p><p>We have all had to learn to nurture ourselves through our interactions with our children, as they are so often toxic to us.</p><p></p><p>I am pleased that you have joined us.</p><p></p><p>You will find much strength and experience from the parents here.</p><p></p><p>I agree that you should not give the son money or pay for his cell phone. </p><p></p><p>Know that we wish you and your family well.</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p><p>[/QUOTE]</p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 57937, member: 1721"] He went to live with my sister (we live in the same place, just a house in the middle) because he said he couldn´t bear being near me because I was a total faillure as a mother. ***************** You are not a failure ~ not as a mother, a woman, or a human being. You are a survivor. Your love for your son, your grief at his situation, is plain in every word you wrote. ****************** I think I cried every day, since he has been 12-years old, ****************** he is obsessed in going there to visit her and is every day asking me for the money that in this moment I do not have. He has no other conversation, no other idea in his mind. He just asks for money, if I do not give him money for his cell phone (he has been spending over a thousand dollars in calls to Europe) he attacks me verbally or tries to destroy parts of our property. ******************** I think you need to tell your son that he was raised better than to behave in this way. Because you have been through so much yourself, and because your son is choosing to behave as he does, you may feel that you must have done something wrong as a mother. This is not true. Your love for your son, and your grief at his situation, shines through every word of your posting. ******************** Two years ago, I moved with my fiancée. Though, everybody makes me feel like I abandoned him. I go to see him every day, pay for his food, his transportation, his home, everything. He never calls me to see how I am doing. He just asks for money. The only thing is that we do not sleep in the same house. But still I feel terribly guilty and this is how he manipulates me. **************************** You will become stronger, now that you have found the site. The hardest thing in the world, for any of us, is to believe that it is the child who is responsible for his actions. If we acknowledge that the child is choosing to do as he does ~ and will continue to do so, whatever we do ~ it breaks our secret hearts. We don't want to see our children in pain. We will bend over backwards to rationalize how all of it is really our fault. When this was still happening to me, it was because, somewhere in my heart, I believed that if I had caused my son to do what he was doing to himself, then if only I could figure out what it was I did, I could fix it. I could help him, I could take the pain away, and he would be the wonderful boy he was, once. What I learned here on the site is that the only way I could truly help my son was to allow him to bear the consequences of his choices ~ and that meant no more blaming anyone or anything else for anything. You loved your son, and you provided for his welfare and education. HE is the one not meeting his obligations. ******************** He calls me about 20 times a day asking for the money to this trip. He just started college, he has no job, no responsibilities, we are still paying for his car. I do not have the money right now, but I am afraid he will damage himself if he does not go to this trip. I believe he has developed fear of abandonement with the girlfriend. [/quote] In our Parent Emeritus archives there is a posting which lists things we may say when our children call and abuse us over the phone. Part of what you will need to do now is to work on letting go of your fear for your son's safety and even, your concern for his pain. These are lessons your son needs to learn. It will be very hard to do this ~ but you have all of us, now. We have been where you are. With the support of all of us here on the site, you will begin to feel less alone, less uncertain. I am so sorry this is happening to you, or to any of us. We have all had to learn to nurture ourselves through our interactions with our children, as they are so often toxic to us. I am pleased that you have joined us. You will find much strength and experience from the parents here. I agree that you should not give the son money or pay for his cell phone. Know that we wish you and your family well. Barbara [/QUOTE]
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