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Please respond - Mother in Guatemala
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<blockquote data-quote="meowbunny" data-source="post: 57965" data-attributes="member: 3626"><p>When I first came here, I pretty much got the same responses you did -- detach and stop. It was not exactly the right answer for me. It may not be the right answer for you. However, you can detach from parts of his behavior and make him responsible for those parts.</p><p></p><p>He is going to college, so make certain things provisional on continuing in college and getting satisfactory grades. You and your ex can decide what you feel you should pay for and what he should be responsible for. I don't know if his school has a dorm but maybe it is time for him to go back to one rather than be in a house or apartment. Find ways to cut down on his personal expenses or at least put him on a realistic budget and, yes, that means once he's spent his money for the month he is not bailed out -- not for any reason.</p><p></p><p>Get a block on his cell phone so he can only call certain numbers and most definitely cannot make long distance calls. If you can't do this because your cellular company won't let you, then it is time to cancel his phone. Give him a monthly phone card and say once it is used up, it is used up.</p><p></p><p>You don't owe him a trip anywhere. Your fiance doesn't owe him a trip anywhere. If your fiance chooses to take you to Europe or anywhere else for that matter, that is his business. Your fiance has earned his money and has the right to spend it as he sees fit. You have the right to enjoy the fruits of your fiance's labor. Your son does not. He's not a young child who needs you to provide the basics. He's a young man on the verge of total adulthood. If he really wants to go that badly, he can find a job and save his money to go. There are cheap tickets. There are other ways than mommy and daddy paying his way. Don't let him manipulate you. As painful as it is, tell him no and mean it.</p><p></p><p>It sounds like he has been manipulating you for a long, long time. He has been using your love and guilt to get what he wants when he wants and how he wants. He has been dictating what will happen in your home for far too long. It is time for you to tell him it is time to grow up and start becoming a man. This is not easy and I'm sure will create some major battles and a lot of pain before he actually even tries to grow up but if you give him no choice and stand firm, he may just surprise you and do quite well at proving himself.</p><p></p><p>You had a traumatic past. Your son did not. He may not have had a perfect childhood but it sounds like he had a pretty good one. You probably have not been a perfect mother, but you certainly have been a good and loving mother. You have given him love, shelter, therapy when needed, jumped through more hoops on his behalf than many mothers would. When he decided you were unbearable, you even let him leave your home and live with your sister. You've accepted more abuse from your son than any person deserves.</p><p></p><p>So, think about the advice given from all of us. Ultimately, do what is right for you. As cruel as this sounds, do not factor your son's needs into your decision. If total detachment is right for you, go for it. If limiting how much you give your son is the right thing for you, then do that. The important thing is that you cannot continue the way you are. You've seen it does not work so it is time to try something different.</p><p></p><p>I wish you the best in your quest. It is not easy to decide what is right. It is even harder to lay aside the guilt of any and all mistakes made in helping your child grow up but you have to. It may help you to get some therapy for yourself. Take care and I hope we see you back here soon.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="meowbunny, post: 57965, member: 3626"] When I first came here, I pretty much got the same responses you did -- detach and stop. It was not exactly the right answer for me. It may not be the right answer for you. However, you can detach from parts of his behavior and make him responsible for those parts. He is going to college, so make certain things provisional on continuing in college and getting satisfactory grades. You and your ex can decide what you feel you should pay for and what he should be responsible for. I don't know if his school has a dorm but maybe it is time for him to go back to one rather than be in a house or apartment. Find ways to cut down on his personal expenses or at least put him on a realistic budget and, yes, that means once he's spent his money for the month he is not bailed out -- not for any reason. Get a block on his cell phone so he can only call certain numbers and most definitely cannot make long distance calls. If you can't do this because your cellular company won't let you, then it is time to cancel his phone. Give him a monthly phone card and say once it is used up, it is used up. You don't owe him a trip anywhere. Your fiance doesn't owe him a trip anywhere. If your fiance chooses to take you to Europe or anywhere else for that matter, that is his business. Your fiance has earned his money and has the right to spend it as he sees fit. You have the right to enjoy the fruits of your fiance's labor. Your son does not. He's not a young child who needs you to provide the basics. He's a young man on the verge of total adulthood. If he really wants to go that badly, he can find a job and save his money to go. There are cheap tickets. There are other ways than mommy and daddy paying his way. Don't let him manipulate you. As painful as it is, tell him no and mean it. It sounds like he has been manipulating you for a long, long time. He has been using your love and guilt to get what he wants when he wants and how he wants. He has been dictating what will happen in your home for far too long. It is time for you to tell him it is time to grow up and start becoming a man. This is not easy and I'm sure will create some major battles and a lot of pain before he actually even tries to grow up but if you give him no choice and stand firm, he may just surprise you and do quite well at proving himself. You had a traumatic past. Your son did not. He may not have had a perfect childhood but it sounds like he had a pretty good one. You probably have not been a perfect mother, but you certainly have been a good and loving mother. You have given him love, shelter, therapy when needed, jumped through more hoops on his behalf than many mothers would. When he decided you were unbearable, you even let him leave your home and live with your sister. You've accepted more abuse from your son than any person deserves. So, think about the advice given from all of us. Ultimately, do what is right for you. As cruel as this sounds, do not factor your son's needs into your decision. If total detachment is right for you, go for it. If limiting how much you give your son is the right thing for you, then do that. The important thing is that you cannot continue the way you are. You've seen it does not work so it is time to try something different. I wish you the best in your quest. It is not easy to decide what is right. It is even harder to lay aside the guilt of any and all mistakes made in helping your child grow up but you have to. It may help you to get some therapy for yourself. Take care and I hope we see you back here soon. [/QUOTE]
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