Please smack some sense into me

[slsh]

I'm like a moth to flame. I am finding it near-impossible to stop surreptitiously checking up on difficult child. If he leaves a voice mail, I have to listen to it. I mean, I can't *not* listen. Even though I know that a message left at 10 p.m. can only be ugly.

I check his myspace for clues. It's never good - he's drinking/seriously drugging. I know this. But I do it anyway and then, surprise, I'm waking up crying at 3 a.m. Stupid stupid stupid. It's just not healthy... and then I go check his stupid website again.

I worry when I don't know, I worry when I do. I just ache beyond words that he's in this space and so adamantly refuses to do anything to help himself. I can't talk to him because I always manage to say something that sets him off - could be an innocent comment about the weather but it gets twisted into some criticism of him in his mind (seriously). Then he kvetches at me, hangs up on me, I get spazzed out. It's a vicious ugly cycle. So I don't talk to him, I let husband.

How on earth do you find balance?

 

[everywoman]

I think I found balance when I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. It's not easy. I still worry---I just don't let it rule my life anymore. And I talk openly and honestly to everyone about what difficult child is is/not doing. It's easier now. He's not here and our communications are for the most part very calm and civil. I just never know when the other shoe will drop. I've learned to never get comfortable, but I also don't obsess over it. Some Alanon literature may help. And whenever I get panicky, I repeat the serenity prayer and my new mantra: I didn't cause it; I can't control it; I can't cure it. Oh, and I am in constant communication with my Creator.

 

[JJJ]

Maybe the 12-steps will help. Just for today I will not check up on difficult child. Thinking about never checking up on him again is unrealistic but maybe just for one day you can do it.

((((((((Hugs))))))))))

 

[Hound dog]

I think I found balance when I got sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Couldn't say it better myself. Now I'm so sick of best friend who's like a sis I've stopped even taking the calls. I can't take her vows to get clean only to know the moment she hangs up she's hunting down her next fix. I'm sick of listening to the awful positions she puts herself into and how she's distroying herself.

I've moved past worried into anger. She knows what she needs to do, knows how to accomplish it. But she's too into her poor pity me routine to bother. I have to move on.

I know it's not quite the same as when it's your own child. But at some point I imagine you're going to get fed up with it. You'll still worry, but you'll be able to put it on the back burner and get on with life.

It just hoovers so very darned much.

(((hugs)))

 

[judi]

Its been a year since I've had any contact with our son (his choice, not mine). It does get easier. I won't change our phone or move, but it does get easier. I still worry (as does husband) but it does us little good.

 

[DammitJanet]

I dont think it is so important to actually cut off all tie to that extents. I think you set some limits. If the only way you have for daily contact is text messages and myspace then s be it. Use them, Text hi back. Leave short messages on his M space page.

 

[Suz]

I think we have so much invested in our difficult children that it's extremely difficult to let go. Think of the years you've been his mom, his advocate, his everything. Think of the years a lot of your identity has been tied up in his struggles. I don't think it's something we give up easily or well but I think it's key to understanding the dilemma.

Someone mentioned it earlier but I would strongly urge you to seek out an Alanon or Narcanon meeting. It might be very comforting to be with people in person who have dealt with/are dealing with your kind of quandary.

Hugs,
Suz

 

[rejectedmom]

Co-dependants anonomous can also help with this cumpulsion to 'know". We sometimes get stuck and need a little outside help to get on track. Good luck to you. I understand your pain and compulsion. I was there once too. -RM

 

[DammitJanet]

Sue...Im sorry...my reply to you made no sense. I really shouldnt reply when I have taken my night medications! Ambien does not make a good partner to hitting reply!!! It really should come with a warning label : do not type after taking. LOL.

Now..to type much more clearly I hope.

I can understand why you do this checking up and I would be drawn to doing it too. Its probably the same reason I go check at Cory's house whenever I see a traffic accident and I cant make out the car. I just have to make sure he is alive. Funny thing is I dont have that compulsion with Jamie at all.

If Cory had a Myspace page I would probably check it too. I cant turn off my phone either. Someone just may call that needs me. This was worse for me when he first moved out too. I have gotten some better at just letting voice mail pick up now if I am asleep and he calls late or early in the morning. But he has also gotten better at not calling unless something is wrong so I know I really should pick up.

You will get better...he will get better. Whether you read stuff there or not, you know what is going on. So just keeping track is really letting you know he is alive and getting online and is well enough to do that.

 

[lovemysons]

I don't ask so much anymore "what's going on" I just let the boys tell me on their own. Oldest difficult child really doesn't talk to me about his personal life anyway...he goes to husband.
Now young difficult child totally different story...he and I are close and he often tells me whats going on, his feelings etc.

It's got to be hard knowing for sure that there is drug use or destructive behavior going on and not be able to say anything to difficult child about it.
I think it's good that you let husband talk to him...

It is tough to let them own their own lives at this point.
Thinking of you
Tammy

 

[Star*]

I would only echo what Suz said brilliantly.

In therapy it's called enmeshed - and it is SO hard to break away from. It can be done. The other excellent advice was to seek out Narcanon -

When you go there - you'll hear, see, and be around people who couldn't stop for a long time abusing drugs, and booze etc. I really learned a lot of understanding about that the ugliness was NOT ME...I needed to know that....so I could STOP.

 

[flutterby]

Sue, I think it's a process. My easy child isn't in the realm of difficult child-ness as your difficult child, but they are about the same age. I find myself getting knots in my stomach over every little thing. I *know* that it is his life and that his choices affect him and not me. But it wasn't that long ago that we were Mommy instead of just Mom.

I don't know what I'm trying to say cause I'm still trying to figure it out. Like I said, different ballparks with our kids, but close in age and it's hard to make that switch over night.

 

[Hound dog]

it's hard to make that switch over night.

I think you put it well Heather. It gets easier as they age up. At least it did for me.

 

[everywoman]

I have had a hard time going from Mommy to mom. It's easier now. I still worry about choices, but they do not drive me crazy. Right now Jana is making some choices I don't agree with, but there is not a thing I can do about what she chooses to do with her life. difficult child is still smoking his pot. Again, not much I can do to make him stop. So, I talk about other things to them. I answer the phone and most of what we talk about is small talk---I send them all text messages every few days to keep in touch---I know if I get a text back that they are still alive. Detach, detach, detach.

 

[Marcie Mac]

Sue, keep telling yourself ignorance is bliss At some point, you have to come to terms that their life is in their hands, and there will be a lot of stumbling, fumbling, and messing up and falling down before they straighten up, or at least get off the floor into some kind of halfway hunched over position. I do believe each of us are here to learn something and experience life lessons - and its hard to let them have the steering wheel after we have been driving for so long. I still have to restrain myself NOT to be a backseat driver LOL

And the worst thing, they don't start driving really well till they are in their mid-20's

Marcie