please tell me its ok to feel bad

[candiecotton]

Starting last night G was in one of her moods , yelling screaming upsetting her sister . this morning it got worse she asked to be called @ 7 & i did that as she "nicely" asked last night .She did not get up till 7:30 & by this time D was in the shower ( hes been @ the university all day with school) & that set her off .She yelled & screamed so much our downstairs neighbor banged on the celing. she has taken $20 out of the van last night & got caught . aside from the screaming & yelling she was getting her sister upset again to the point she was crying ( C has adhd & because she was up late last night she was a little tired & easily agrivated) she had threatend to run away & or kill herself so when we went out i was going to walk S&C to school C had the dog with her because we will walk him in the morning & hubby was going to bring G to school as she had missed the bus & the next one was too late.( she doesnt go to the neighborhood school because they said it would be a good idea if she didnt go back ) & when we were outside she took out her lunch & started to take her sandwich out & throw it around . I said this is the last straw & to give ebveryone a break that she is to go to the group home tonight to let us not want to tie her up & throw her in the closet for the weekend ( joking just joking) then she said that she hates me & that she will run away & while shes gone she will kill herself. i told her that this is what will have her not be able to stay in the house tonight & because shes threatend to run away she would be better not going to school & to go straight to the group home . she then saisd shes going to call our worker & tell her that we are hitting C&S & have them taken away on us aginn. i would not answer her all the way into the group home & when i got there i told the socal worker in there what she was doing & asked if any one had told them about her diagnosis & she said no . i told her that G has odd & most likely ADHD . she said to me this is supposed to be a professional now she said that the dr could not make such a diagnosis on a hour conversation with the child. now the dr had reports from 3 schools as well as 2 different councelors.
i went to work this morning wanting a stiff drink .
now tonight hubby asked if she shold be feeling guilty for sending her away for the weekend ( i need the break because shes been horrible this week ) i said no he shouldnt because this is what she needed . but now im afraid that the worker will take her away & ofd course the threat that she will take C&S away is there too because they have believed G lies before.
i was so frustradted tihis morning that it took ,e 20 minutes when i got to work to calm down i was to the point that i was in tears with frustration.
so please tell me im not a bad mom for sending her away for the weekend so i wont hurt her.

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry things are so rough. Sending lots and lots of hugs that you can wrap yourself up in like a big snugly blanket!

The doctor CAN diagnose a child. That is often how it is done. The SW was wrong. She may not like the diagnosis but it has been given. I personally would push for more testing by a neuropsychologist because ODD is a pretty useless diagnosis. It tells what is happening but gives NO clue as to why or how to help it.

It really sounds like the family NEEDS the break while G is in the group home. It does NOT mean you don't love her. It means that you love her enough to do what needs to be done and you love the family enough to keep what they need in mind as you make plans.

The chances that they will take your kids because you sent daughter to the group home for a weekend for respite is pretty minimal. Budgets have been slashed so much that they do almost anything to keep from removing a child. They simply don't have the money to do it.

If they start threatening to take your kids then you need a lawyer.

As for G, is she threatening to hurt herself? Do you think she is serious? If she intends to kill herself then she needs to be in a psychiatric hospital. But it must be visible to the intake people that she is suicidal, or an immediate threat to herself or others.

I think you need to take some time for yourself. make a cup of tea and go sit outside, or go to the library or a coffee shop and have some time to recharge. Take a book with you, or crossword puzzles or something.

Your difficult child needs help, but so does the entire family. You cannot sacrifice the other family members on the altar of difficult child's needs. It simply isn't sane or smart.

Who set up the group home for you? Did the doctor order it? Or someone else? Is it set up for weekend respite? Or some other purpose?

Hugs!

 

[candiecotton]

the 3 younger children were in foster cae because last year we had an inexpirenced worker & he walked in one morning after G had one of her tirades & trashed the living room . instead of trying to help us he came with 3 police cars & took the children they were placed 2 hours away & we could only see them weekends . in november she was kicked out of the foster home & was placed in an ALA here in town & she was out of school for a month & finally the end of november she was placed in the group home .
Because of on going issues & no one believing that G is as she is if the children get removed again hey will seek continos care which means we will only have visitation with them untill theyre 16 ( thats the age that they stop caring for children here )
As for another dr shes on the waiting list once again she had been on the list to see the ddr she saw last week for over a year & shes going on matt leave so she will be out for a year. there is no psychiatric ward @ the childrens hospital here it was closed last year after they did not have enough staff to run the ward & they had even transorted 2 teens to the adult mental hospital in a police car. so all we can do is wait . it took G setting my laptop on fire for them to get her bumped up in the list. & there are no support groups we can go too here .
so all we do is wait .

 

[helpme]

I highly respect any parent who
1.knows when they need a break
2.makes sure their child is safe, it at all possible.

Write a letter to yourself about that guilt. Show it to hubby.
Add this to the letter- I know and I've been told that I am
a good mom and always will be regardless of what the
child is putting you through.

File it /Bury it /burn the letter and let it go.
Sending hugs to you and your entire family.

 

[busywend]

It is certainly OK to need a break from a destructive family member. My advice - get video of your daughter in this state. You may need it some day.