Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Substance Abuse
Police for Christmas
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 725659" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>This sums it up. The sadness we all feel about choices and the waste of life and potential. </p><p>Theirs <em>and ours.</em></p><p>One thought in a post that rings in my head, is that if our d cs were strangers, or even friends of ours, we would not put up with the nonsense and mistreatment. Our d cs rely on the relationship ties to keep doing what they do. </p><p>Setting boundaries and putting our foot down to the atrocious behaviors in our homes and lives does not mean that <em>we do not love them</em>. There is nothing further from the truth, we love them with all of our hearts. They are adults, acting like toddlers throwing tantrums, pulling out all of the stops to get what they want. When they were toddlers, we did not give in to this because we loved them and wanted them to learn that their actions were not acceptable. It is no different when they grow up, go off the rails and expect us to keep providing for them. Love says no. No, I won't go in to "rescue mode", no, you have to learn to fend for yourself.</p><p>We will not be on this earth forever to clean up their mess. They have to learn to choose better. If we always step in, they will not learn.</p><p>Self care is what we want them to learn, to be self sufficient.</p><p>I think the greatest way to teach them is through example. </p><p>It is not easy to pull up and out of the muck of emotions and grief caused by an adult child ramping it up and dragging us along for the ride.</p><p>It takes work.</p><p>It takes effort to reel through the tapes and really look at the history of it and how far we have gone to "help". Does your adult child appreciate your sacrifice? Have they changed? Do they contribute to your household, or keep taking and expecting more? </p><p>Some folks have gone to therapy to get help to pull themselves up, others, groups like alanon, there are tons of resources on the web, posting here helps us to see that we are not alone. Each of us is at different junctures on the pathway back to sanity and self care. I say sanity, because the effects of years of going through this with our d cs is <em>crazy making. </em></p><p>Start with little steps to open your eyes to the reality of what is going on. It is like a synchronistic downslide, for our d cs and us. We get dragged right down the rabbit hole with them.</p><p>What good can come of that?</p><p>Work to strengthen yourself to stand up.</p><p>Build your toolbox.</p><p>You matter, your life matters.</p><p>Be very kind to yourself.</p><p>This is a hard road to be on, but not impossible to shift focus and learn how to take care of yourself. It is not selfish. It is what we want our d cs to do, to care for themselves.</p><p></p><p>Many gentle hugs to you.</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 725659, member: 19522"] This sums it up. The sadness we all feel about choices and the waste of life and potential. Theirs [I]and ours.[/I] One thought in a post that rings in my head, is that if our d cs were strangers, or even friends of ours, we would not put up with the nonsense and mistreatment. Our d cs rely on the relationship ties to keep doing what they do. Setting boundaries and putting our foot down to the atrocious behaviors in our homes and lives does not mean that [I]we do not love them[/I]. There is nothing further from the truth, we love them with all of our hearts. They are adults, acting like toddlers throwing tantrums, pulling out all of the stops to get what they want. When they were toddlers, we did not give in to this because we loved them and wanted them to learn that their actions were not acceptable. It is no different when they grow up, go off the rails and expect us to keep providing for them. Love says no. No, I won't go in to "rescue mode", no, you have to learn to fend for yourself. We will not be on this earth forever to clean up their mess. They have to learn to choose better. If we always step in, they will not learn. Self care is what we want them to learn, to be self sufficient. I think the greatest way to teach them is through example. It is not easy to pull up and out of the muck of emotions and grief caused by an adult child ramping it up and dragging us along for the ride. It takes work. It takes effort to reel through the tapes and really look at the history of it and how far we have gone to "help". Does your adult child appreciate your sacrifice? Have they changed? Do they contribute to your household, or keep taking and expecting more? Some folks have gone to therapy to get help to pull themselves up, others, groups like alanon, there are tons of resources on the web, posting here helps us to see that we are not alone. Each of us is at different junctures on the pathway back to sanity and self care. I say sanity, because the effects of years of going through this with our d cs is [I]crazy making. [/I] Start with little steps to open your eyes to the reality of what is going on. It is like a synchronistic downslide, for our d cs and us. We get dragged right down the rabbit hole with them. What good can come of that? Work to strengthen yourself to stand up. Build your toolbox. You matter, your life matters. Be very kind to yourself. This is a hard road to be on, but not impossible to shift focus and learn how to take care of yourself. It is not selfish. It is what we want our d cs to do, to care for themselves. Many gentle hugs to you. Leafy [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Substance Abuse
Police for Christmas
Top