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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 725820" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>This is excellent advice. Sus and I have been on this forum for over ten years. We are the vets, both with difficult kids who are now successful. We have read a lot of stories.</p><p></p><p>It is just the way it is...our adults who totally turn it around do not have a change of heart while living with us, being pushed by us, getting money from us. That may give temporary moments of them trying a bit harder to please you do that you will help them more in whatever way they wish to manipulate you. It leads to disappoint.</p><p></p><p>They only actually adult, jobs, living space and all seems to be once we are done. Very done. But That sounds harsh and you may think "He or she needs me and will die if I step away."</p><p></p><p>They can die anyway. We can't have the power to keep anyone alive and we want to see our adults functioning like adults. Then we can't treat them like the cute little kids they once were. Society sees grown adults, some of our adult kids sadly dressing and trying ti copy thug teenagers. Why??? They need to stand alone with only our love and emotional support, nothing else. THAT is the time they tend to shock us and turn around, if they are going to do better. Or when they move far from us. That can also help. A lack of being a step from a safe haven.</p><p></p><p>The holding back factor is us. We stop them by our rescues.</p><p></p><p>If they can navigate buying drugs, couch surfing, charming people....they have the potential to succeed in sales! They CAN work and succeed selling things! At the very least they can flip burgers. They can work. Adulting means they do the same as most others their ages. What were you doing at their ages? Why can't they do it? </p><p></p><p>My son has autism. He works. He pays his own bills without money from us. He feels good about himself. The adults I know through my son's bowling league, all with challenges, some in wheelchairs, have at least part time jobs and live on that plus Social Security. Very few live with Mom. They are strong and proud as a group. Some get a little help from caregivers sometimes, but Mom doesn't do it, except in a very few cases. And you can tell the difference. One 35 year old lives with Mom, always has. Her mother is sick and in a wheel chair and is not going to live forever. Then what? She is the only caregiver this woman ever had. Is this good for her? Mom doesn't let her go to dances or be around boys yet her disabilities would not preclude her from normal relationships. But Mom has to follow her everywhere. It is not necessary. But she does work.But </p><p></p><p>Meanwhile many of us start out enabling and caring for perfectly able bodied adults who have far less issues than the truly disabled. Our adults clearly work out complicated drug deals with dangerous people and find a way to survive on the streets, mostly their choice. But they will put on quite a fit of hysteria when they want us to contribute our money for drugs, although they call it food or a room etc. We buy them cars so they can drive to and from their drug dealers drug houses and drive intoxicated. Our kids are also gifted actors.</p><p></p><p>We get a bit nuts buying what they are selling, but it doesn't work.</p><p></p><p>Unless we stop Mommying, they don't start adulting. They may not, even if we stop Mommying, but on this forum, any other path is not successful; there is no success rate all. THEY have to do it. Usually they do it without even telling us at first.</p><p></p><p>The FOG is powerful, but not effective for any of us.</p><p></p><p>Anyone, this is what I have seen here for years, story after story. I wanted to share and explain.</p><p></p><p>Good luck moving forward. And do move forward. So that he or she has a fighting chance. You and your adult are not one person, even if you feel like it. Feelings aren't facts. They deceive. You can't walk this path with another. Your love doesn't save them. It is much harder to get out of their way and watch, or do little contact, but THAT is what has the best odds from all I have read here.</p><p></p><p>Go forward and let go <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 725820, member: 1550"] This is excellent advice. Sus and I have been on this forum for over ten years. We are the vets, both with difficult kids who are now successful. We have read a lot of stories. It is just the way it is...our adults who totally turn it around do not have a change of heart while living with us, being pushed by us, getting money from us. That may give temporary moments of them trying a bit harder to please you do that you will help them more in whatever way they wish to manipulate you. It leads to disappoint. They only actually adult, jobs, living space and all seems to be once we are done. Very done. But That sounds harsh and you may think "He or she needs me and will die if I step away." They can die anyway. We can't have the power to keep anyone alive and we want to see our adults functioning like adults. Then we can't treat them like the cute little kids they once were. Society sees grown adults, some of our adult kids sadly dressing and trying ti copy thug teenagers. Why??? They need to stand alone with only our love and emotional support, nothing else. THAT is the time they tend to shock us and turn around, if they are going to do better. Or when they move far from us. That can also help. A lack of being a step from a safe haven. The holding back factor is us. We stop them by our rescues. If they can navigate buying drugs, couch surfing, charming people....they have the potential to succeed in sales! They CAN work and succeed selling things! At the very least they can flip burgers. They can work. Adulting means they do the same as most others their ages. What were you doing at their ages? Why can't they do it? My son has autism. He works. He pays his own bills without money from us. He feels good about himself. The adults I know through my son's bowling league, all with challenges, some in wheelchairs, have at least part time jobs and live on that plus Social Security. Very few live with Mom. They are strong and proud as a group. Some get a little help from caregivers sometimes, but Mom doesn't do it, except in a very few cases. And you can tell the difference. One 35 year old lives with Mom, always has. Her mother is sick and in a wheel chair and is not going to live forever. Then what? She is the only caregiver this woman ever had. Is this good for her? Mom doesn't let her go to dances or be around boys yet her disabilities would not preclude her from normal relationships. But Mom has to follow her everywhere. It is not necessary. But she does work.But Meanwhile many of us start out enabling and caring for perfectly able bodied adults who have far less issues than the truly disabled. Our adults clearly work out complicated drug deals with dangerous people and find a way to survive on the streets, mostly their choice. But they will put on quite a fit of hysteria when they want us to contribute our money for drugs, although they call it food or a room etc. We buy them cars so they can drive to and from their drug dealers drug houses and drive intoxicated. Our kids are also gifted actors. We get a bit nuts buying what they are selling, but it doesn't work. Unless we stop Mommying, they don't start adulting. They may not, even if we stop Mommying, but on this forum, any other path is not successful; there is no success rate all. THEY have to do it. Usually they do it without even telling us at first. The FOG is powerful, but not effective for any of us. Anyone, this is what I have seen here for years, story after story. I wanted to share and explain. Good luck moving forward. And do move forward. So that he or she has a fighting chance. You and your adult are not one person, even if you feel like it. Feelings aren't facts. They deceive. You can't walk this path with another. Your love doesn't save them. It is much harder to get out of their way and watch, or do little contact, but THAT is what has the best odds from all I have read here. Go forward and let go ;) [/QUOTE]
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