Poof! It all just disappears....

[dstc_99]

Why is it that my difficult child thinks everything she says and does is forgotten the minute she decides its doesn't matter anymore? Seriously the kid thinks she can do and say anything and it should just disappear into a cloud of dust the minute she is done with it. On the other hand anything I do or say can and will be held against me in the court of difficult child.

After difficult child's lovely text messaging incident yesterday she cornered me at home and basically told me I was being irritable and I was the problem and none of it is her. She wants to feel welcome in the home, she wants us to tell her to stay, she wants us to bend over and take it up the rear anytime she feels like it and then have us forget about it as soon as she is over her drama.

The text messages started again this morning with....why didn't you leave the car? Why are you acting mad? Why cant you just forget it I did?

I told her to read the messages she sent me yesterday and remember that this is not the first time I have heard all this. My decision is to take a step back and get my bearings and see how I feel about dealing with her when I am ready. It's not like she is 2yrs old and needs constant care. She is 19 if I need a break for a day or two I can take one!

 

[blackgnat]

I know! Tangling with our difficult children is totally draining. It's like she's trying to bully you into making HER feel okay about things.

You SO deserve a break from the chaos and I hope you DO take two!

 

[CrazyinVA]

I hear you. Oldest used to scream, yell, threaten, tell me she was "done with our family," and then call me back the next day to ask me something random like a cooking question, acting as though nothing had happened. It's maddening.

Sometimes it's best not to answer the phone, or the texts - or just reply with a simple, "we'll talk about this later, I'm busy at work."

 

[BusynMember]

dtsc_, I see your problem with your difficult child is that you make rules, then give her a lot of leeway and often give up. I think (JMO) that she has way more privileges than she should considering she doesn't work, and her dad doesn't help any. Again, don't take offense. This is all just my own opinion...take what you find useful and leave the rest.

At her age, why does she have access to a car for fun without paying you for the gas and insurance? She has no job? In my house, she'd also have no fun. She'd have to get a job or sit at home being bored and whining and tantrumming and threatening would go in one ear and out the other or I'd take a jog down the street or a drive to the store, but I am pretty good about not giving in or listening to my kids disrespect me. She'd be on alert too...keep it up and I don't care where you live, but it won't be here, and I won't give anyone money to take care of you. I wouldn't have paid my parents a dime...if they wanted to house her, their decision/their issue. Again, remember, we all think differently.

This is just my opinion. I think you let her get away with way too much mouthing off and doing very little that is productive. Now I was like that once too and I wish I had cracked down on 36 way before he turned 36. However, even 36 had a job. No job, no money. I never did feel too sorry for lazy kids, even my own, who whined that I was mean for not giving them money. I wanted them all to have good work ethics. and although I'm quite sure 36 would rob banks if he thought he could, he's afraid of jail so he does have a good job, pays the mortgage, and does pay his bills, although not always wisely. He knows MY bank is dry. He often hits my rich ex for money, but that is between them. As long as he leaves me alone and I can keep my serenity intact, I'm good with whatever ex decides to do. I refuse to listen to either ex or 36 talking about it though. I just say it's none of my business. Sometimes ex wants to talk to me and complain about giving out money and I just tell him that it isn't something I should hear or that should be shared with me. And when 36 complains that his father is mean about giving him money and that he has to put up with verbal abuse to get it, I just say the same thing and stay out of it. If he persists I say, "Then don't ask him for money." And COM"s wonderful ending conversation statement, "Now this conversation is over." And it is or I will hang up.

 

[Albatross]

Seriously the kid thinks she can do and say anything and it should just disappear into a cloud of dust the minute she is done with it. On the other hand anything I do or say can and will be held against me in the court of difficult child.

Yep, that was true of both difficult child and easy child at age 19. Ugh, exhausting to try to live up to that double standard, and if you and SO aren't on the same page with expectations it makes it downright impossible.

 

[Lil]

OMG the ups and downs. My kid loves to call me and start in on how awful his life is. He has no friends, he has no life, he has no money, he has no belongings, he has no car (that's his) and he has nothing! Everyone wants something from him and he just can't take it anymore!!!!

The poor baby.

He yells and cries and acts like he's 10. He's punched holes in his door - and then wants us to just get over it.

The other day I showed him a hole and said, "This is "I lied to you" - saying I'm sorry is like putting some spackle on it. It doesn't fix the damage. You can repair it, but it takes a lot of effort."

Yeah...I don't think that really got through, but I thought it was pretty brilliant when I was saying it.

I sat him down last night - after another hour-long call over lunch - and told him "I'm done." I won't take any more calls like that at work. You upset me and then I can't get anything else done and I won't get fired because of you." Next time he starts in I'm going to repeat that and hang up.

 

[dstc_99]

dtsc_, I see your problem with your difficult child is that you make rules, then give her a lot of leeway and often give up. I think (JMO) that she has way more privileges than she should considering she doesn't work, and her dad doesn't help any. Again, don't take offense. This is all just my own opinion...take what you find useful and leave the rest.

MWM you are so right it isn't even funny. I tend to give the rules and then husband lets her bend them. I get tired of fighting with them and looking like the bad guy. It doesn't help that difficult child doesn't treat husband like she treats me. He always thinks I am just overreacting.

As of right now I am not giving her anything. Whatever she gets is through husband. I meant it when I said I was done. I am not only not in the mood for her drama I am not in the mood for dealing with husband while he lets her pull crap.

 

[dstc_99]

I sat him down last night - after another hour-long call over lunch - and told him "I'm done." I won't take any more calls like that at work. You upset me and then I can't get anything else done and I won't get fired because of you." Next time he starts in I'm going to repeat that and hang up.

Thankfully difficult child texts me most of her angry stuff now. I have started forwarding it to husband so I have proof of what she says and he can see how disruptive it is to my day.

 

[Lil]

Apparently texting isn't as satisfying as screaming at me.

 

[BusynMember]

dsct, sadly you can't control your husband and nothing can stop your difficult child from thinking you are the "bad guy." But think about it. What does she mean by "bad guy?" Well, in a summary, you are "bad" because she doesn't want to work or grow up and you want her to do so and are not giving in to her childishness and child-like expectations. That really makes you the good guy, at least in many of our eyes. Your husband does her no favors, by continuing to treat her as if she is a ten year old rather than nineteen. Most nineteen year olds are in college, tech school, or working full time. Some are serving our country. They are not "playing." Playing is for children. They are using their own money for much of their needs, if they work full time. In what way is your husband REALLY the good guy?

But since you can't control him, yes, your difficult child may meanly and very immaturely call you childish names like "MEan Mommy." Remember that she really means, "You won't give me stuff for free." Of course she will nice to your husband if he is willing to support her. She ain't stupid. She'd be nice to you if you'd throw money, your car, and anything else she wanted at her with no expectations.

That doesn't mean that your difficult child is right. She is just angry that she can't control YOU, which is her goal. She wants to get everyone to continue to treat her as if she were in elementary school. There are jobs out there. She doesn't want one. Why should she? Daddy pays and she is not intristically hardworking.

You do what you feel is right and try to remember that even if ex decides to be the one who gets the hugs, he isn't doing your daughter any favors. In our US society, we value independence and he is not pushing her toward being an acceptable young woman in our society. The older she gets, the harder she will find it to connect with others who are already functioning in the real world. But that is a natural consequence. I suspect eventually husband will get tired of her sitting around doing nothing, but...hey, some parents like to be Daddy or Mommy even when their children are sixty. You don't have to make that choice. You can't control his choices. You can learn how to tune out your daughter's mean comments. They will become less often heard when you don't respond to them, no matter how loud she shrieks them at you.