Poor poor me

[Triedntrue]

Just to review my 36 year old son is untreated bipolar and has used drugs. There are other diagnoses as well. Once again my son is in poor poor me mode. He has been working and has known for months that he had to put a phone system in his house which he may get evicted from soon. Probation officer told him he has till the 11th to figure it out or he goes to jail. His credit is tanked and they want a huge deposit to connect it. The other provider he says his ex didn't take it out of his name and he owes even more. I have saved him so many times and i footed the bill for a psychiatric exam for court. My credit cards are too high and i refuse to put anything else in my name because i always end up footing the bills. Yet i will still feel guilty if he goes to jail. As far as i know he is behind on rent and utilities.
I think he needs a payee (not me) and mentioned it to him and of course he had an excuse why that won't work. On top of this he has a trial next week where if he loses he will possibly get a couple of years. This was from when i admitted him to hospital and he flipped out. I know the right thing to do is stay out of it but i feel guilty. My husband says absolutely not helping. What i need to understand from those of you with bipolar experience is is he incapable of keeping his finances in order. Figuring out how to pay his bills etc. If not how does he get a payee? Should i feel obligated to help by hitting my retirement which he has used more of than i have?

 

[BusynMember]

Jmo as a new retiree.

Dont touch your retirement. He wont be there for you if you run out of money. No way.

Its not your fault if he goes to jail. Its his fault.

 

[elizabrary]

My daughter isn't bipolar (at least not diagnosed, but who knows?) but I have a cousin who is. She lives independently has been married twice and has an adult son. She has had several good jobs which she was able to succeed at. She is fine when she takes her medication, but as is the case with many people who have bipolar, she feels good and decides she doesn't need her medications then crashes when she stops taking them. From my experience if someone with bipolar is compliant with their medications and has some support near them- family or friends to kind of make sure they're taking medications and sticking to their routine- they can successfully live independently. They also need to learn and be willing to manage their illness.

 

[Crayola13]

I thought as long as the probation officer could get in touch with him through a cell phone, he didn't have to have a home phone. It seems he could just get a prepaid cell phone as long as he keeps the same number.

 

[BusynMember]

I have been diagnosed with bipolar II. I wont lie and say it was always easy but I am doing really well. I always take my medications. You dont need to be told to do it. Its up to you. Unless you have bipolar I with psychotic mania, you know how to take care of yourself but it is a choice. I think bipolar is way overdiagnosed. There are of yet no ways to prove the existence or lack of anything psychological in a person. Its all opinion right now. Psychiatry is an inexact "science." Often bipolar is slapped on anyone who behaves erratically...even if its because of drug use. Be careful of letting your adult child try to guilt you of horrible behavior due to a psychiatric diagnosis.

My son has a payee. He is on the autism spectrum. I am not sure but your son may have to agree to have a payee unless one is court ordered. You can call a payee office to find out.

 

[Triedntrue]

Crayola the phone is for house arrest purposes it has to be a landline. Update on that he figured out how to do it on his own Hooray. Thank you for your replies I remember my counselor telling me that some people with bipolar have difficulty handling money and he certainly can't. I am hearing from all of you that medications are the key and am hoping that this trial or sentencing works like his lawyer anticipates and gets him court ordered medications. I just can't keep rescuing him bipolar or not. Thank you for your support.

 

[Smithmom]

I am not bipolar. But know some who are. Inability to control spending is common. Its not about handling money exactly. Its part of mania. Its the mistaken belief that he can do it all. It will be OK because he can make it OK. And obviously your son uses you to make it OK. Don't let him use you. It will not be OK to just keep spending money. Money will not just materialize for him. Call it the magical thinking of mania. You cannot change this. You cannot make it better for him. There will be another bill tomorrow.

Phone companies don't take payees. A payee is someone who gets money on another person's behalf. As in, I am payee for my autistic son's disability check. He doesn't understand the difference between $1 and $10. So I get his money and pay his bills. Phone companies will not pay anyone money. If your son is suggesting that he will keep current on his phone bill so that some day you will get back a huge deposit as his payee...get real! He's not paying bills! Phone companies want co-payers to collect from when your son defaults. Don't be deceived!

 

[Triedntrue]

The payee is what i thought it was i feel he needs someone to act as a payee so his bills get paid but as he will not agree it is mute anyway. Wishful thinking i guess so i don't have to worry about bills being paid. I just have to keep saying not my problem.

 

[Tired out]

Your son may be bi-polar but he isn't stupid. He is manipulating you. We had a discussion on another thread about how good they are at manipulating us. If there was a degree in manipulation the adult children the parents on this board are trying to help..those "kids" would have each have a PhD in manipulation and how to control their moms. Maybe he needs to "do a couple of years" it will keep him away from drugs and away for you paying loosing your retirement.

 

[Smithmom]

He thinks he knows and can do it all. He doesn't see that he has any problem. So he certainly isn't going to ask for help.... except from your bank acct. And then only if it comes with no conditions. Where else can he get anything with no conditions?

 

[BusynMember]

Bipolar MANIA includes psychosis. It has nothing to do with intelligence. Mania is where the idea of spending money with bipolar comes from. In a psychotic manic state one can spend every fime he has, rob a bank and expect to get off free, or undress in public and dance. Often the person feels untouchable in that overly happy, psychotic state of mind. Full blown psychotic mania spawns outrageous behavior that the person would not think of doing when not manic. Many times mania is triggered when a person forgets to take his medication. Then the mania starts yo spiral out of control.

Most people diagnosed with bipolar have lesser forms of bipolar and may not get fully manic or can even be misdiagnosed. If you are not in a state of psychotic mania you dont go crazy spending money. I have had a few hypo manic incidents (mini highs) and felt quite good but was totally rational and didnt do anything crazy. Of course, like all people, especially drug addicts, someone with not full mania can go on spending sprees. Bankruptcy courts are full of those who cant manage money and certainly not all are mentally ill.

Full blown mania I hear feels great and people tend to do irrational things in such a state and often end up in the hospital or jail as they can not be controlled.

On the payee issue I was the payee and guardian for my autistic son until he no longer needed a guardian. The court removed me in a cordial hearing with his case manager. But the Judge and Case Manager felt he still needed help with his bills. He can do the math easily, but is very impulsive with his money and so far spends too much of it. He is working on this as he doesnt want a payee. Will he get there? He tries but the impulsivity.....

I asked that he have a public payee as starting next year my husband and I will be traveling in our RV for several months in the winter and just wont be available year round. Also want him to be used to depending on community services as we cant live forever. He is on SSI but works too part time. His payee fee was waived. It would have been $45 month.

 

[Triedntrue]

Thank you all for the input and support.

 

[Tanya M]

Should i feel obligated to help by hitting my retirement which he has used more of than i have?

I can only speak for myself but I would never dip into my retirement to fund anything for my son. I will need every penny I have saved because my one and only child, my son, will never be there to help me when I'm old.
None of us are under any obligation to financially aid our adult children no matter what their issue is, be it health or mental. We love them but we have to have love for ourselves first.

 

[Triedntrue]

Thank you!