My son has really appeared to be flourishing in sober living. He doesn't complain. Ever. He has been cheerful on 90% of our calls. Seems to always be hanging out with a sober living roommate. He had the job but lost it, yes. Still not another one, yet. He goes to all IOP's. Talks about AA mtgs. To the gym, a lot. Is much more humble, sweeter. The 'real him' is showing through. Still no sponsor, which is REALLY bothering me. Ok. Several weeks back I logged in to my son's gmail account, as he was having issues with his food stamps application. Wanted to see if there were emails from the state about his app. Living in sober living, they all are encouraged to apply as they are considered 'homeless'. I know I shouldn't have logged in as this was 'getting involved'. But, I know myself and knew that until he had food stamps flowing in, my son has to eat..that I wouldn't relax. He gave me his password more than an year ago, when he had his accident. I found it. I don't have a gmail email account, but apparently if one does, when you log in to it...it logs you in to GOOGLE. And it also then logs all of your 'searches'. Can you get where this is going yet? So, at some point after this, I was on my phone and wanted to google something. Unbeknownst to me, I was still logged in to HIS google account/searches. To my dismay, as now I can see all his searches. I have little willpower when it comes to him. I think most of you know that by now. He is unaware of this whole story ^^^^. Since the revelation that I can see his searches, I have been checking. Thanks to my O C D. Some (not exact wordings) search examples he typed in have been: Craigslist jobs, steroid cycles (he lifts), a bank name, some store names, and lots and lots of search entries on different aspects of social anxiety or anxiety. Some (not exact wordings) were: *social anxiety and good posture *social anxiety tips *anxiety better to be in hyper or slow mode? *are people always sad or mad I have been finding a search on anxiety almost daily. On these days, I would check in with him to check his 'mood', see if it was something worrisome or not. Usually he would be in good spirits. Hiding it? Occasionally, he has called me to relay an incident about someone in public who was rude or short with him. These type incidents really seem to bother him and 'ruin' his mood. Does anybody have any insight on this? As to why he is so affected by the actions, behaviors of others in public? (I have a brother like this and my father also was like this. I also have this trait, but as I get older, I am better at letting things roll off my shoulder.) As he would relay these incidents to me, I would listen and show compassion and try to gently give him advice (let if roll off, everybody encounters those ppl, try not to ruminate on it, etc.). Sometimes, he gets angry and says 'look, I didn't call you for a therapy session...' So, then I would back off. The other day, he called me as he had gone in to Publix with a sober living roommate to buy a sub. It was a 'hot' sub which I guess is an ebt no-no. Only cold. The checkout girl was not saying anything about it-she was fine, but I guess a manager came over and called it out. 'Is that a hot sub?.....Not allowed on ebt.' Son said he gave it to the cashier and left. But, it really bothered him. This guy's reaction. Maybe embarrassed him? Not sure. But, this is the type of stuff that stresses him out. And, maybe also he is self-conscious when in a conversation with other ppl he doesn't know well? Hence the social anxiety searches. So yesterday. At 3:43 he texted me: 'Sup mom.' Hmmmm. That was out of the blue. I did my short, sweet reply. He writes: 'about to meet up with a friend.' I said: 'oh, who?' No reply. I said: 'where ya going?' No reply. Hours later, 6ish, I check his searches. I have deleted them as I was so angry but it was something like: 'how to beat a breathalyzer test' I think all those sober living places give a breathalyzer test every night before bed. I called him. I was fit to be tied. No answer x4 calls. Finally, I waited a few minutes and called again. He picked up and was all nicey nice. "Hey mom, I'm with a girl at her place...and it reminds me of Nana's-where she used to live (a villa type house)." Aha!!! He's with a girl! Totally makes sense why he'd want to drink. (He has told me a few examples in the past year that when he was with this girl or that girl, he did a line of coke (<---rare) or drank or took a xanax, blah blah. Said he did it to relax. To him, girls = stress? Not good.) I laid in to him. I pretended he was a bit 'slur-ry', he wasn't, well, there could've been a tinge if I listened really closely. I had to embellish it as I could not tell him my secret search tool. He would be very angry if he knew and I did feel bad for peeking! But, how could I not? I need help. I told him: "Are you drinking or something? you sound slur-ry...you need to get your anxiety under control...you have a therapist right there where you're living and you are not talking about your anxiety...you are sweeping it under the rug...whenever you've relapsed it's been due to anxiety....stressors....you still don't have a sponsor.....this is your life, your choices...but don't involve ME in your poor choices that may result because you're not addressing your anxiety. I will be here for your as LONG as you're sober and trying....but if you relapse don't call me!' He firmly denied drinking. Then, he hung up. If he was having a 'nice time' with the girl, I def ruined it! This anxiety is the elephant in the room. He HAS to acknowledge it. Or he will relapse over and over. My husband is super angry. I shouldn't have told him about the finding, he is that angry. We are not 100% sure that he drank, but it seems very likely. "IF" he did, he obviously got away with it, as he hasn't called me to say he failed breathalyzer last night and he's out on the street. How can he ever 'spend time' with a girl if he has to be 'on' something? He can't! Pretend he had one beer. Is this a relapse? I am angry. I feel sad. I feel numb. I want to cry. But I can't. It would be really nice, to tie him in to a chair, so he couldn't walk out, and be able to just vent to him- tell him how much he has going for him, how he has little siblings who love and miss him. And, how this all affecting me!