It is an awful feeling to be in a place where you can only watch what is happening and not be able to stop the destruction. All you can do at this point is standby and be there for your parents if and when they need your help.
It’s like my mom is possessed by the exorcist.
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do. Your mother and father are competent to make their own decisions.
All you can do is try to maintain whatever relationship you want with your mother and/or father outside of their home. Call your dad, invite them to your home or out to dinner, send cards or token gifts for occasions.
In saying that, though, you really have to separate. If you don't want to hear abut your brother, and you don't want any part in his life you have to stop with the questioning and nagging about their relationship and enabling of him. No more asking why they allow this or do that for him. That is their business and their problem. It isn't your home and not your business how they run it or what behavior they allow.
They aren't going to put him out and they aren't going to change their behavior no matter what you say or do. There is no point in continuing to harp on that point. It is just causing more incidences. Allow them to continue to live whatever life they choose, no matter how miserable it seems.
My heart goes out to you. My son is 45 and still acts 15. That is when I believe his brain quit maturing. He is an addict, a thief(currently in jail) and can not be trusted at all. It is an emotional roller coaster I am on and I want to get off. I am striving to detach with love so I can move on with my life. It won't be easy. Good for you that you realize you deserve to find peace with your husband and move on. Unfortunately, your mom may not get there. Keep praying for her and stand your ground.NOTE: I have opted to distance myself from my mother and brother. I only refer to my brother as “Ruprecht”. I do not care anymore about Ruprecht because this has gone on so many years and he is now in his early 30’s. It has torn my parents apart (40+ years together) as well as my once good relationship with my mother. My reference to “Ruprecht” is my healthy coping strategy to disconnect. My husband and I have a happy life yet, this has been a huge emotional family drain. I’m writing this to share and have read many posts on this forum. I just need to vent.
My brother, 31 “Ruprecht” has had a benzo addiction for several years. My mother is his constant defender and Ruprecht has enjoyed a free ride living at home the past 2 years. No work. No school. No paying of anything. No housework. No helping anyone. No volunteering. No goals. This year he finally left and moved in with a girlfriend which lasted 6 weeks before he was arrested for domestic abuse. He and the girlfriend were doing drugs. Mom and Dad got him out of jail. Ruprecht spent 30 days this summer in an in house rehab program because he was having seizures from benzo withdrawal. He was taking huge amounts.
2 Christmas’s back Ruprecht arrived home with a different (nice) girlfriend and within minutes of coming in the house, he was mixing up liquid benzos—super strength right on the coffee table in my parents living room. Mom acted like “Ruprecht is so smart, he really understands all the different chemistry interactions of the various drugs”. I and my husband were disturbed that he immediately arrived for Christmas to mix drugs! Ruprecht has looked quite anorexic the past several years. Has taken other drugs too.
Mom was naturally depressed, eager to get Ruprecht back home ‘safe’ after a night in jail this year. 30 days of rehab came and went. Mom made extra measures to make sure Ruprecht has a special IPOD in rehab! She wanted my help to set up the ipod with creepy stuff Ruprecht had asked for! He is off the benzos as of this summer 2016.
Ruprecht was supposedly enrolling in school for the fall, but he dropped out of classes this semester. Mom’s okay with this. Dad is NOT.
Ruprecht couldn’t believe he had to drink cheap non-organic milk in rehab. (Entitlement!)
Recently, Ruprect broke his dope bong and mom went out and bought him a brand new one because he was crying – 31 year old manchild. My mother brings him food and he never has to leave the house. She also says she is fine with Ruprecht smoking cigarettes and using pot ALL day hanging out in the family house. She thinks its fine because he is off the benzo drugs. My mother went on about all the risks of benzos and how it was worse than heroin and that my brother has an anxiety issue. So basically he doesn’t have to do anything except leach off my parents. To be clear- Ruprecht is OFF Benzos and now doing pot heavily… Not like a ‘recreational’ thing. He keeps a butane camp gas cylinder on the coffee table for his weed habit in the living room.... and for some reason fireworks. How someone like him affords FIREWORKS I don't know. Those also sit on the coffee table, last I saw.
Ruprect is an intelligent, good looking, able bodied, person who could do many wonderful things, yet chooses not to. He is aggressive and angry, clearly insecure. Let me say, that as the sibling, our childhood was decent. My father is a very educated man, working very hard all of our lives for the things we enjoy. My father gives everything to his family. He hardly buys himself anything in life except underwear and blue jeans. We went to museums as kids and had books. It is sick to watch Ruprecht be such a self-indulgent nasty person to everyone. He is vicious to me and so is my mother.
My mother will send me texts about her son. I asked her not to mention him. For example: “Ruprecht cooked chicken and potatoes tonight”. Of course, she will refer to his real name. My husband and I surmise this is my mother’s indication that her experiment is ‘working’. The dial has moved so to speak and she wants us to know.
This is because I recently told Mom she is acting withdrawn and I’m sick of it and I want Ruprecht out of the house because it isn’t healthy anymore to split up the whole family. My parents and my husband and I used to enjoy having a dinner together. NOT anymore. Now it’s just Dad and my husband and I.
Me saying anything to my mother about Ruprecht means she gets defensive and really mean with me—I’ve never seen her be so unloving to me. This has been so hurtful I’m almost crying typing about how bad my relationship with my mom has become over this sibling issue.
My mother will remind me of something awful I did (a long time ago), or tell me I am the one with a mental problem. It is a cruel mind game she does this with me.
I am recently married, very happy and working hard on my own business every day. My mother is indifferent. This since Ruprecht’s recent tornado year. She fills her time away from the house with old ladies at the pool. She won’t admit she also doesn’t want to be in the house with Ruprecht. She only tells me "Never have children, worst mistake of my life”. She also tells me how mean I have been to Ruprecht. Keep in mind we are in our 30’s now! Ruprecht has made no friendly contact with me other than 'hey' in years and even that is labored. He never looks me in the eye and I never look him in the eye when I have had to see him briefly. He ignites in anger quickly. When I mention things to my mom, she says she's putting up a 'boundary' and not talking to me about it any further.
My mother buys Ruprecht special cookies and pizzas and brings them to his bedroom door. I asked her why she was buying cookies for someone that can’t even wash dishes? So the next time she bought me a pack of cookies and one for Ruprecht and left them on the kitchen counter, our names written in magic marker on the package. Weird mind game?
Ruprecht moved out for 6 weeks (which we thought was a long term thing) my husband and I visited again. My mother wouldn’t let me see the bedroom Ruprecht had used. Well, it’s because he was allowed to spray paint the walls with graffiti in 20 shades of bad vibe painting all over the walls! 31 years old. In my parents HOME. Even Dad said they could ‘repaint the walls’. Now Ruprecht’s ugly paintings of darkness hang all over the house and my mom says she ‘likes Ruprecht’s paintings’!
Well Ruprect couldn’t be bothered to clean up the paint on the windows. He leaves cigarette butts all over the yard. He calls my mother when she is out of the house everyday with special food delivery order. She calls him at the grocery store offering to get him whatever he needs. Special sparkling water!
My mother is a psychologist and continues to ‘re-hab’ Ruprecht herself. My Dad has his own man cave now to leave when needed because the family home is NOT a home with Ruprecht in it. My husband and I are on edge every time we have been in the house recently. The old dog needs extra care so we have been coming by more frequently. Ruprect does not care about old family dog. We’re not supposed to upset Ruprecht who might be watching T.V. They live an hour away from us. We used to enjoy visiting on the weekends – at least during the month that Ruprecht was in Rehab.
One major concern is that my mom is withdrawn and depressed. She has pushed away myself (her daughter), my husband (a very reasonable man), and my father. They fight about Ruprecht every weekend.
This week was the last straw for my husband and I. We removed the elderly family dog from my parent’s house because of another blow up with Ruprecht. Which sucked because we tried to stay in the guest room and then had to leave in the dark because I told my mother it wasn’t okay for her to keep buying special groceries for Ruprecht. Ruprecht – who broke his arm skateboarding last week came storming out of his foul painted room. Yelling at my husband and I – that we must love ‘EXPLETIVE-ing’ each other” and my husband is a very calm person. No, this isn’t okay. My mother stands in the background as if my husband is harming Ruprecht. All my husband says to Ruprecht is that his behavior sitting in the house all day no school, doing dope all day is not okay. My husband and I packed our bags and left that night in the dark. My mother said to me (her daughter) “I don’t want to see you again for a long time, this is your fault, then this is ‘your husband’s fault’ . She used to like my husband. He’s done many helpful things for her and my dad around the house!
Then mom says to me, “You upset the old family dog, you caused this—meaning me the daughter. While my husband and I packed our car to leave Ruprecht was screaming and crying and dad trying to calm him and my mother physically holding him back from coming at my husband and I even though Ruprecht’s arm is in a sling. Mom and dad, begging to not break the new doors.
Ruprecht hates my guts and my husbands--- apparently angry we got married too. Ruprecht puts me down and tells me I’ll never be anything and that my business is stupid and he told my husband some racist stuff (we are an inter-racial marriage). Ruprecht says to my husband that I would be the only ‘expletive’ my husband would ever get. Then he told my husband “You won”.
Ruprecht screaming and crying at my dad that my husband is the son my dad wants. My dad asks what Ruprecht wants from him and just agrees, “Yes, Ruprecht, everyone is a “expletive”. Then Ruprecht goes on about how dad never loved him etc. (Manipulation). Trying to make my dad feel bad. Ruprecht has tried to choke my father in anger, and it was awful to see my 60’s something dad being abused by his grown son. My husband got Ruprect off my dad. (This was another incident over 1 year ago).
My mom’s eyes, daggers on me as my husband and I loaded up the car in the dark. The old dog barking locked in another bedroom so my parents can wrangle with Ruprecht, him breaking doors and my dad has done much home improvement to the house and Ruprecht breaking the new doors and chasing my husband. Trying to make a film on his iphone (my mom and dad pay for) about how my husband is abusing him.
It was miserable and we had our dog in the car – so we couldn’t fit the old big dog in too – and 2 days later we had to drive 2 more hours to go pick up old family dog which we love too. My dad loves him too and I guess my mother no longer cares about dogs. So we took the dog to live with us.
While driving 1 hour back to our house, my dad calls and I can hear Ruprecht spitting in the background and dad says “Ruprecht says to tell you, that you and your husband aren’t welcome here at the house”. Of course, I knew dad was just saying that to get Ruprecht to calm down. Ok. We said. Hung up.
Now why would a mother support her deadbeat son, while my husband and I who work hard and are educated, and responsible be given the cold shoulder? That’s a rhetorical question, of course. Not to mention marriage problems for my father and mother caused by grown 31 year old son Ruprecht.
On Survivor- you vote off the person that doesn’t help out!!!People get sick of the same thing years out-- this is not a 19 year old, he is 31 year old manchild.
This has gotten to be a very bad state for everyone. I keep reading the phrase ‘kick them out’…
This is what I believe needs to happen with my brother, Ruprecht who I do NOT ever plan to see again in my life. Mom clearly is not prepared for this step. Dad is maybe on the fence. I don’t think they should give him any money, just get out. I’m the sibling so my say is invalid? Actually, everything about my point of view my mother invalidates. My only power is to not allow any contact with her. Disconnect. My mother is very secretive. She always acts like Ruprecht shares some version of a person with her, I have never seen.
I’m just tried of how Ruprecht is negatively influencing so many extended family relationships at this point. Affecting the old dog’s twilight years and my dad’s ability to enjoy being with the old dog too. My dad already lost one old dog he loved over the summer the same week Ruprecht got arrested. My parents have some health problems too that Ruprecht doesn’t care about. I want my dad to be healthy, he doesn’t need this stress anymore!! My mother is choosing her manipulative son over her husband.
I think it’s an easy phrase to say, “Kick them out” but how do you actually DO that. I mean—just physically with someone who will get violent and throw a tantrum. I understand for some people this is a deeply emotional state—to ‘kick a grown child out of the house’ but I’m talking about the physical motion – Ruprecht is not just going to get in his dented car and drive off with his broken arm and his camping stuff. Neighbors once have called the police on Ruprecht and girlfriend at the house a year ago. Mom doesn’t want the cops involved. Mom also has said things like “I’m NOT abandoning my son”.
It’s like my mom is possessed by the exorcist. It’s like no other family achievements matter. She doesn’t even care if she gets a photograph of my husband and I’s wedding portrait. She is clearly overwhelmed and I’m unable to help it seems. My mom distrusts me which is weird because I’ve always been responsible and never on drugs. I DO want good things for my parents. I can’t help her without it getting really nasty. Or maybe, I just let it be like we are currently doing. No contact. “Let people be who they are” …. To what point? Enable to when? I know this is another rhetorical question. by the way, No, my husband and I did NOT participate (nor were we invited) to the group family therapy in the 30 day rehab program. We just don’t give a care anymore. This is about my parents being affected and how it’s affecting my relationship with them. Ruprecht just needs to hit rock bottom and be gone. He’s too angry to be at rock bottom and with a stomach full of pizza and plenty of internet how could he ever hit rock bottom with mom steering the helm?
I feel unsafe anywhere near my brother Ruprecht. Mostly he is a coward, but I’m not putting my husband or dogs in danger with this endless festering of Mommy’s boy at home. My family doesn’t need this stress.
It has been blindsiding to have lost the relationship with my mother. I honestly don’t believe she cares about me anymore. It’s not a sibling rivalry thing to me. It’s just like a friend who got really mean suddenly. Or is dating a dangerous bad boy and you say, "this guy doesn’t love you".
I’m an adult. I don’t ‘need’ my mom. I guess it’s mostly just sad. She has little affect these days.
A psychiatric person would say you can’t change other people. You must live your own life and cut out negative people, even if it’s your own mother. Yet, my mother is in pain from her son too.
Dad says the situation is NOT permanent, but it sure looks like it’s going to be another year of Ruprecht sitting at home with his bong & mom. More stress. More fights of my parents. More distance.
My Dad just wants some time to enjoy the years he has left.
My husband and I, found it hard to sleep the last few days after this recent incident. It’s just a dark hole.
The energy is so dark, I can’t explain how you can literally FEEL a vibe that is so unpleasant. The anger Ruprecht has doesn’t seem to be getting better. Oh, he stopped seeing a psychiatric person too.
Probably because the psychiatric person said “Why don’t you want to grow up?”
Ruprecht is 31 grown man, living with his mom, acting like a 15 year old. As he moves into his 30’s and it’s not getting better, well…. Kick him out I say. Much of the emotion I used to have about this situation has left me. I’m pretty pragmatic because I have nothing left to give this situation except I do want my parents healthy.
With a grown man who do you call? It’s not exactly an arrest situation and I’m not saying I want Ruprecht in jail, but what else is there? My parents should NOT float money for more rehab. I no longer believe rehab works. Ruprecht has NO dream for his future it seems. You can’t give someone else a dream. Is this the bad seed?
Even the old dog moved out. And the dog LOOKS happier too!!!!! When the family home has no place for the dog anymore all because of a grown son sitting in the house with his mother!
Any thoughts? Thank You.