Post your Christmas story here if you want to share

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by SomewhereOutThere, Dec 26, 2018.

  1. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I thought Id start a thread although due to Jumpers odd work schedule and our not wanting to split our kids between two families on one day, we have the holidays when its the right time. Not on the exact day.

    Dec. 24 my Wisconsin family did have dinner at my house but we didnt exchange gifts yet because we are waiting for Princess and Baby Princess to arrive and she stayed in Chicago and cooked for my ex on the 25th. He is always funny about having to see her on the right day so we just dont make a big deal about that and we see her as soon as we can.

    Our Christmas gathering will be Friday.

    Yesterday, hubby snd I watched Christmas movies all day and gave the dogs their gifts from Santa Paws! It was relaxing and fun. We invited Sonic and sister in law/brother in law over too and they were all here for a few hours. Jumper and Hunter were with the in laws for a while, but this was not their big Christmas....just the kids (they have a gynormous family!)

    Tomorrow my Chicago girls get here!!! They are staying with Jumper who has lots of room and will be in Wisconsin until Sunday.

    Friday will be our big celebratuon day. we have presents spilling under our tree! Saturday. Is the big day at Jumper's in laws house so the rest of us are going to take Baby to The Children's Museum. Then since we will be out of town probably eat out.

    Talked for a few hours with Bart and Grandson. I really want to see my grandson so we will go this late winter sometime.

    Thats all for now.

    I hope you all had a good Christmas. I know it can be very stressful and sad for many people. I am sorry if it was like that for anyone. Sending love and light!
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2018
  2. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Spreading the holiday out might have its advantages.

    Anyway, I have been posting a lot here for maybe a month. So much of my stuff is already here!!!!

    Difficult Child daughter was sarcastic so for the first time we had her in a hotel at night for her Xmas visit. She lives in another city (same state). result in thirty years. A miracle. Calmer. Hardly any sarcasm. Much better. Nice holiday visit with her. Amazing.

    There was one bad incident..a very different one (see below).

    on the other hand, I’ve held in for a month some extreme craziness with my son’s in law family. I believe I should of figured out a way to express what was bothering me the most (and leave the rest quiet) and spoke to him long ago gently. Instead, it cane out badly around the 23rd and more on the 24th and then my husband said more and then our daughter behind our back spilled the beans and said even more. Holy cow! It’s world war three. Son went ballistic after our daughter called and spilled our private conversation.

    Our son and his family almost didn’t come for Christmas. But, they came and thank goodness it went well. But wife is pissed and there is some tension. Swot and copa warned me. I’m concerned. I feel like a ding bat.

    I made a traditional breakfast and we opened presents.

    Later, I made Italian food. Had friend over. Plus daughter was with us.

    Next year, we plan on traveling and avoiding much holiday crxp. Coming back on the 23rd late. Having Difficult Child coming in 24th. This is our tentative plans.
  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Nomad, i am sorry the girl's in laws are causing trouble. I am sure you arent alone, but my own family and my kids....the in laws dont have holidays together. I am shy with people I dont know well and would be very uncomfortable if I had to host or visit my daughter's in laws for the holidays! We really dont see them much. I only know the parents and Hunter's brother and nice (seems)girlfriend. I dont really WANT to know his whole family! Wedding stuff coming up....and things like bridal showers not exciting to me even rhough they seem nice.

    Is there any way to divide the holidays? Your house one day? Their house another day? It sounds as if her family is full of drama.
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2018
  4. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I absolutely want to divide the holidays in the future. I think they would hesitate and not care for it. But, I think they might go for it as they now think of me as rude. That’s fine. Yippe. Amen.
  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Nomad, that is the norm. Not rude. At least I dont think so. You have your own family. They are your son's in laws!

    If I had to host my daughter's in laws, it would make me so nervous that I would have a combo Thanksgiving and Christmas in early December's, make it last several fun days then drive off in the RV with hubby WAY before actual Christmas.

    Mom in law already changed wedding from 100 people to 300 because her family is huge and she wants everyone there. Her son is stepping in to peel her back but she is bossy.

    She is also paying for
    a large part of the wedding since she wants so many people .I give her that.
    She has no problem with paying extra so no problem for us. 300 relatives can pitch in :) Jumper doesnt like it, but she doesnt want to make waves.

    So the kids will at least get enough money in gifts to make it very nice for them. I can't complain. We are still only paying the amount we said we'd pay. We gave them a huge chunk of money for their house so this amount is enough for a modest wedding. Period.

    Athough Mom in Law is a nice lady and we love her hubby, I would not want to do holidays with anyone who is that controlling. She asked nobody for their opinion on expanding the wedding. She just did it.

    For each holiday at least 60 people are there. Jumper hasnt even memorized them all yet. But luckily her bestie from high school is engaged to Hunter's first cousin who also was in high school with her so they hang out together. She really has not memorized all the aunts, uncles etc.

    I dont do 60 people for Thanksgiving or Christmas lol!!! I like it cozy. We have my nine or ten. Period. When my niece and her hub fly in from Alaska thats two more.

    Nomad, I hope you get to divide it up next year or buy an RV and drive down south (unless you already live down south!). If you are already South, I hear Mexico is nice in certain places :)
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2018
  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Nomad. You have learned a lot about your needs and how to protect yourself in these holidays.

    All of life is not yes, yes, yes.

    At the same time son and his wife need to make their own mistakes and learn from them, and that includes with parenting too. There is nothing you can do (I think) about their embrace of this couple and their defense of them, even at the potential cost to their son. If you keep pushing you will pay the price.

    But this same battle need not be fought again.

    This difficult family is not your family. You have no obligation to include them. Your son and daughter in law have made it easy for you. Just say in the future if they propose a redo: I do not think we should try that again! And hold the line.

    Personally I think there's responsibility to go around here; son, daughter in law, you, and that family. Don't feel that this is you. It's not. All you did was speak up. Good for you.

    You have no obligation to meet people where they are unless you choose to.
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  7. ahhjeez

    ahhjeez Active Member

    We had a very quiet Christmas eve as my husband was on call. Christmas day was just my immediate family and it was lovely. Had a beautiful prime rib for dinner. Christmas night was a whole other matter. I'm actually still pretty upset. We are not very close to husband's family. He is autistic as is my son so there were some time where we couldn't meet for their get togethers, but we'd always give/send a gift. And there were a few times we had a conflict in events and couldn't make it. This is kind of background for where this is going. My birthday was a few days before Christmas and husband's niece Facebook messaged me on Christmas night to wish me a happy belated birthday and ask me how our holiday was. As I'm texting with her, she accidentally hits the call feature on messenger and I hear her badmouthing me while she was texting me all these nice things. I got to hear how she really felt, how I always make excuses for why we can't meet etc. etc. The venom in her voice literally made my heart pound. I kept talking into the phone to let her know I could hear her, but she couldn't hear me. I gave the phone to my hubby but he couldn't hear. When she started talking about my son I finally figured out how to disconnect the messenger call. I was devastated. I burst into tears and pretty much scared my husband. All these years and I thought that she liked me. Apparently not. I didn't want to, but my husband had me call her on it. So I texted her that I heard what she said and I was sorry that she felt that way. She didn't text back for a long time then I just got a question mark. So I reiterated that I heard her talking about us. She then said she didn't remember saying anything then proceeded to break the conversation down and turn it around like I misunderstood everything. I didn't reply back. I have no intention of seeing these people again. My husband's sister yes, but I won't be going to any of their family functions in the future. So long story longer, my night was ruined. I was really hurt and pretty embarrassed that I heard that. I still feel really bad.
  8. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I’m so sorry ahhjeez.
  9. ahhjeez

    ahhjeez Active Member

    Thank you so much Nomad. I feel ridiculous about how much this has hurt me. Fortunately we had pretty minimal contact with them, but it was always very cordial. Hearing that was pretty devastating. I'm embarrassed that I thought they liked me. That they were nice to my face, but really felt like this.
  10. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Copa...Thank you sooo much.
    The devil is in the details. Lol. I opened up about the guitar incident. Son got a little angry. This was with hubby. Hubby went a little nuts and let it all “hang out:” The TG debacle (s) featuring various people. Snarkiness (that I didn’t even mention here), the group photo we weren’t in etc. Son was a little ticked...but listened. Then our daughter called him (son) and told him of our private discussions ripping on several folks in daughter in law’s family. Some of it was half joking and not truly serious, which our son took seriously. He then called my husband half out of his mind with anger. A huge mess. Son told his wife, who told a relative and that one told another. Probably spread like wildfire by now. A huge mess.He almost didn’t come for Xmas. I’m not sure I care that much what her family thinks.

    I wish I spoke up sooner about the more concerning things and that the sillier things were never brought up.

    Absolutely must trust my instincts, speak up faster and NO. Is a complete sentence.

    Many lessons piling up out of this huge mess.
  11. ahhjeez

    ahhjeez Active Member

    I'm sorry Nomad. You are absolutely right. No is a complete sentence. I'm glad your son did come for Christmas.
  12. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Im sorry it came to this, Nomad. It is not your family and its ridiculous to have this drama from HER family. I agree with Copa, considering how this blew up. Tell all of them no. No more two family holidays with you hosting the in laws. They can have a private celebration. They dont even sound grateful.

    I am sorry. What a pain.

    Ahhjeez, AI am sorry you heard the niece. I have no words.
  13. ahhjeez

    ahhjeez Active Member

    Thank you SWOT. I really appreciate your kind words. I'm pretty much done with them. I won't be accepting invites if there are ever any more. I will send a nice gift or note, but I'm not putting myself out there knowing how they really feel and having to see them pretend to be nice to me.
  14. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    They are NOT grateful. Hence, snarkiness, unkindness, being inconsiderate and on and on.

    I’ve said many times “ungratefulness,” stands out in my mind here with many of the Difficult Child discussed on this site.
    It doesn’t matter how much parents give and give and give...ungratefulness still rears it’s ugly head. It’s the devil.

    Interestingly, even though these folks might not be classified as mentally ill, many are ungrateful spirits. AND also interesting...those who are the most ungrateful tend to have the most difficulties in life especially with work , but also in their personal lives.
  15. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi Ahhjeez. I have a new therapist who told me about an encounter group he went to many, many years ago (a product of the 70s). The group of coworkers were at the tail end of many days of self-revelation and shedding defenses.

    There was an exercise. You have 6 mos to live. Your health will stay at the same level as now. What would you do in those six months?

    He said the group was filled with highly successful, hard driving people. He said, many of them broke down and sobbed when they faced their truth: the important things for them were what they already had.

    I thought all day how I would choose. (You see. I'm a slow learner.) Would I go to Athens, Rio, dance tango?

    And next I thought. Well I'd want to be with my son. But he's not reliable to travel with. So I thought some more.

    I would want to stay home (with my house beautiful, organized, comfortable). I would want to be close to him, my son. That would be my heart's desire. I would read, watch movies with him, good TV. I would want close friends nearby (who don't exist where I live. So I have to make them). I would want to be working some at my profession with the same kind of people I worked with for many years.

    In other words... I would want my lfe as it has been, what I could have right now. Easily. Nothing more. My same life. But with more comfort, acceptance and ease. But most of all with my son near.

    This was a revelation to me. All of it.

    Why do I write this to you?

    What that niece said had nothing to do really with you.

    She handled it very badly. She tried to lie her way out of it. Gaslighting you. She could have had a true voice. A true heart. Instead she doubled down in her hardness. Her bitterness. Her smallness.

    We all of us have people in our life like this. Whether due to fear, envy, sadness, jealousy, weakness, estrangement from themselves, they gain their sense of self by power over others...and it takes a special kind of smallness to do it like your niece did it.

    She is not a trustworthy person. You gave her a chance to stand up. Instead she made herself smaller. If that is possible.

    There was a gift in this. Actually more than one. But the one that feels bigger to me is the opportunity to reflect on who we are, what we need, who we need, and what we are not.

    This niece has not a thing to do with who and what you are. And what you need. Cut her loose. She's just one more small, weak person. You are neither small nor weak.

    Maybe that's her problem. But let it be hers. You don't need to borrow it or carry it even five minutes more. I am sorry it hurts. It's happened to all of us. It's not about you.
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    Last edited: Dec 26, 2018
  16. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Nomad, you are so right.

    People pick on others like packs of wolves usually for no reason. Of course THEY think they have valid reasons. It is best to have as little to do with people who dont value us as possible. You are a kind and very precious person.

    It is their dysfunctional family that is the problem.

    Be proud of standing up for yourself! :)
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2018
  17. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Copa you wrote a beautiful message.

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  18. ahhjeez

    ahhjeez Active Member

    Copa. I am in tears reading your response. Good tears. Thank you so much. You have no idea how much I needed to hear that. Thank you. I'm going to be re-reading your post in the days to come.
  19. ahhjeez

    ahhjeez Active Member

    I was really hesitant to post my story because I was embarrassed and so, so hurt by it. Also, and this has never really happened to me before, but I blocked a lot of it. I think I was so upset that I don't remember much of the conversation so that when she started backpedaling and gaslighting I thought maybe I misheard. Which led to me berating myself and in a panic that I destroyed the family by being so stupid. But later, calmer, I know. I know I didn't mishear. Her message to me was gaslighting and lies. But my point, (I tend to ramble LOL) is that I'm so, so grateful for you guys. Thank you again so much for all of the kind words. I appreciate them more than you know.
  20. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Dear Ahjeez, I wish your husband would have left you out of all this. If anyone should have spoken should have been him. He should have contacted the neice. He should have explained what happened and what you heard. I am so sorry... Ksm
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