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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember1" data-source="post: 753440" data-attributes="member: 23706"><p>Wise, I just learned that with Kay at least... the more I enforced a boundary, the sneakier she got. There was a no illegal drugs house rule but she either disregarded it (and I did check her room) or got high outside and came home wasted. So she didn't keep that boundary. In her own way, she did what she liked.</p><p></p><p>Definitely enforce boundaries. You have to for your sanity. But that means that crossing a line has a clear consequence that we can not break. To me that was the hard part. I would give second, third and fourth chances. Finally we moved her out by buying her a house and she blew that to the moon, did nothing to pay for or maintain this house. We finally had to sell it. But we still wanted to keep her from being homeless. We felt maybe a house had been too much responsibility so we bought her a small mobile home in a nicer park and all Lee and Kay had to pay was $300 month in lot fee. They had that or we let them do chores for us and we paid them for the chores. But they never paid and they fought outdoors and that also went to pot (no pun intended). </p><p></p><p>We continued to help with housing...apartments. Nothing worked out. Now when we stopped paying, they were evicted. </p><p></p><p>What a disaster. We have little left for retirement, and our daughter will be homeless anyway. Did I mention that she cut too? </p><p></p><p>I guess this rambling post is just a vent and to show you that your struggle is not yours alone and that there are no pat answers. For us, Kay could not keep living with us so we did things that hurt us both just to make sure that our ungrateful daughter was not homeless. I look back and my head hurts.</p><p></p><p>But it WAS easier to deal with her when she lived apart from us.</p><p></p><p>Do not buy your daughter a house, but if you can find another place for her to live I believe it will be much easier on you. I would have been the Kay Police had she lived with me. Her father too. We needed separation. badly And it was still a huge stress but at least we did not worry that she was bringing illicit drugs into our house or that she would bring shady or dangerous people into our home. And we could not have just stood by as we have younger kids </p><p></p><p> On employment, we tried to get Kay to want to be gainfully employed. We felt that by setting her up with a nice lifestyle and expecting her to pay a portion of the bills, she would work. Kay did not get jobs.</p><p></p><p>Kay often said that if we stopped "being good parents", which meant supporting her, then she would live under a bridge and become a prostitute. This terrified us. If you knew Kay....you would also know she meant it. And would Lee stop her? Nope. Lee would gladly take in the money.</p><p></p><p>In reality, because of our fears, Kay could control us....and did.</p><p></p><p>Well, I am done. Please find peace in what you do. And please, as they say in Al Anon, let go of your daughter's outcome. Step 3.</p><p></p><p>Hugs and blessings.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember1, post: 753440, member: 23706"] Wise, I just learned that with Kay at least... the more I enforced a boundary, the sneakier she got. There was a no illegal drugs house rule but she either disregarded it (and I did check her room) or got high outside and came home wasted. So she didn't keep that boundary. In her own way, she did what she liked. Definitely enforce boundaries. You have to for your sanity. But that means that crossing a line has a clear consequence that we can not break. To me that was the hard part. I would give second, third and fourth chances. Finally we moved her out by buying her a house and she blew that to the moon, did nothing to pay for or maintain this house. We finally had to sell it. But we still wanted to keep her from being homeless. We felt maybe a house had been too much responsibility so we bought her a small mobile home in a nicer park and all Lee and Kay had to pay was $300 month in lot fee. They had that or we let them do chores for us and we paid them for the chores. But they never paid and they fought outdoors and that also went to pot (no pun intended). We continued to help with housing...apartments. Nothing worked out. Now when we stopped paying, they were evicted. What a disaster. We have little left for retirement, and our daughter will be homeless anyway. Did I mention that she cut too? I guess this rambling post is just a vent and to show you that your struggle is not yours alone and that there are no pat answers. For us, Kay could not keep living with us so we did things that hurt us both just to make sure that our ungrateful daughter was not homeless. I look back and my head hurts. But it WAS easier to deal with her when she lived apart from us. Do not buy your daughter a house, but if you can find another place for her to live I believe it will be much easier on you. I would have been the Kay Police had she lived with me. Her father too. We needed separation. badly And it was still a huge stress but at least we did not worry that she was bringing illicit drugs into our house or that she would bring shady or dangerous people into our home. And we could not have just stood by as we have younger kids On employment, we tried to get Kay to want to be gainfully employed. We felt that by setting her up with a nice lifestyle and expecting her to pay a portion of the bills, she would work. Kay did not get jobs. Kay often said that if we stopped "being good parents", which meant supporting her, then she would live under a bridge and become a prostitute. This terrified us. If you knew Kay....you would also know she meant it. And would Lee stop her? Nope. Lee would gladly take in the money. In reality, because of our fears, Kay could control us....and did. Well, I am done. Please find peace in what you do. And please, as they say in Al Anon, let go of your daughter's outcome. Step 3. Hugs and blessings. [/QUOTE]
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