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Praying for that day......
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 677186" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>In your own home you need to feel safe, be safe.</p><p></p><p>If you are in danger from anybody, you need to be protected, to protect yourself. You know this. You have told the same thing to me.</p><p></p><p>I know a mother who has joint custody her 3 children with an ex-spouse who beat her and abused her severely. When each of them drops off and pick ups the kids they do so at the police department. The two ex-spouses are never alone without a neutral party, like a social worker. Everybody understands the need for this.</p><p></p><p>I see your situation in a parallel way. The interaction between Rain and her father needs to be away from you and your house, until you feel you are safe from her. That means no threats, insults, no privacy violations, accusations, etc. Or any other thing that distresses you. To read anything on your personal computer, too, is abusive.</p><p></p><p>As you well know your husband is not helping Rain by accepting her on her own terms. There must be a way to support him to understand this. But more than this is the need for you to speak to him your truth. It seems you are saying you feel violated in your own home. And he is enabling your daughter to do that to you and to him.</p><p></p><p>I agree with Insane, that priority number one is communication between you and your husband so that each of you understands and accepts the other's needs and wants and sets up a plan about which you agree and commit to, to keep your home and you safe.</p><p></p><p>Your husband needs to see his daughter, that is clear. To my way of thinking he needs to see Rain away from your house if Rain is abusive to you. To allow her to continue treating you this way is not good for her, or you, or really for him. </p><p></p><p>Because in a sense your husband seems to be choosing Rain over you. It may even be set up this way, by Rain. She is diminishing her father, and diminishing your relationship and she may be doing so deliberately. In a sense, he more than you, is her victim.</p><p></p><p>There is nobody in the house who is not being hurt.</p><p></p><p>Is there a way that you can communicate to your husband how you feel, and if you feel you cannot do so without support, get that support, either solo or with him?</p><p></p><p>In a family system, one person cannot change things alone. There has to be a shared stance towards problems, a shared understanding and acceptance of what is a problem. That begins with communication. If at first nobody wants to listen, keep talking. If that doesn't work, get help.</p><p></p><p>To accept mistreatment or to accept that others tolerate your being the victim is not good for anybody. It is to martyr oneself. We all do it sometimes. While there can be a kind of moral superiority in this, as I well know, it is good for no one in the family in the long run.</p><p></p><p>As Cedar says, it is a role, it is not real. Everybody in the family gets frozen in their own roles. It takes courage to speak up. But if we speak up for ourselves we are speaking up for everybody.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 677186, member: 18958"] In your own home you need to feel safe, be safe. If you are in danger from anybody, you need to be protected, to protect yourself. You know this. You have told the same thing to me. I know a mother who has joint custody her 3 children with an ex-spouse who beat her and abused her severely. When each of them drops off and pick ups the kids they do so at the police department. The two ex-spouses are never alone without a neutral party, like a social worker. Everybody understands the need for this. I see your situation in a parallel way. The interaction between Rain and her father needs to be away from you and your house, until you feel you are safe from her. That means no threats, insults, no privacy violations, accusations, etc. Or any other thing that distresses you. To read anything on your personal computer, too, is abusive. As you well know your husband is not helping Rain by accepting her on her own terms. There must be a way to support him to understand this. But more than this is the need for you to speak to him your truth. It seems you are saying you feel violated in your own home. And he is enabling your daughter to do that to you and to him. I agree with Insane, that priority number one is communication between you and your husband so that each of you understands and accepts the other's needs and wants and sets up a plan about which you agree and commit to, to keep your home and you safe. Your husband needs to see his daughter, that is clear. To my way of thinking he needs to see Rain away from your house if Rain is abusive to you. To allow her to continue treating you this way is not good for her, or you, or really for him. Because in a sense your husband seems to be choosing Rain over you. It may even be set up this way, by Rain. She is diminishing her father, and diminishing your relationship and she may be doing so deliberately. In a sense, he more than you, is her victim. There is nobody in the house who is not being hurt. Is there a way that you can communicate to your husband how you feel, and if you feel you cannot do so without support, get that support, either solo or with him? In a family system, one person cannot change things alone. There has to be a shared stance towards problems, a shared understanding and acceptance of what is a problem. That begins with communication. If at first nobody wants to listen, keep talking. If that doesn't work, get help. To accept mistreatment or to accept that others tolerate your being the victim is not good for anybody. It is to martyr oneself. We all do it sometimes. While there can be a kind of moral superiority in this, as I well know, it is good for no one in the family in the long run. As Cedar says, it is a role, it is not real. Everybody in the family gets frozen in their own roles. It takes courage to speak up. But if we speak up for ourselves we are speaking up for everybody. COPA [/QUOTE]
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