Pregnant 30 year old

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SpunOut, Nov 25, 2017.

  1. SpunOut

    SpunOut New Member

    hi! I'm new here, but believe it or not, I can't find anything online about this. This'll be a long post, so I'll give history first, then place the actual issue after a "******" line so you can just scroll down.

    HISTORY: My only daughter, 2nd child, has always been stubborn. This could be a good thing, i.e., she taught herself to ride her friend's bike before H&I had a chance to teach her. She is smart, but she uses it to manipulate. She's always had a rebellious streak. She never did hard drugs, but she's done practically everything else. She's 30, now, and has been kicked out several times. She keeps returning home after burning bridges of roommates. While here, she makes our lives a living 7734. She treats us like she owns the house. I.e., she waits until we start sorting laundry, then takes over the machine, claiming she was just getting ready to do laundry. She has busted every appliance in the house. If she doesn't get her way, she screams to the top of her lungs a high shreak that sounds like she's being repeatedly stabbed. If we try to leave; retreat to our bedroom, for example, she follows us to the room and bangs on the door. She doesn't know how to dialogue. She only knows how to carry on a one-sided conversation. For fear of being interrupted, she doesn't pause to take a breath. If we cut her off, she screams and starts over. Yet, if we don't say anything (like, "yeah" or "I agree"), we are "ignoring her". We can't just walk away. She follows us and abuses us verbally. She doesn't contribute to anything around the house unless she decides to. When she does (such as her laundry), she kicks me out of that room, as if it's her house. H&my relationship was deteriorating. I saw signs of an affair. He began treating me with disrespect. She pulled a knife on me, and I passed out from fear, causing a broken shoulder. At that point, after surgery and PT, I bailed and moved in with friends for a couple years. I'm not proud of that, leaving my husband to deal with her, but suicide was always on my mind. We maintained a good relationship throughout my absence. But he was always calling, frazzled. She'd begin an argument an hour before he had to leave for work. He'd tell her that he had to get ready for work, but then, "he didn't care about her. He only cared about his precious job". She'd bang on the bedroom door, screaming the entire time he was getting ready for work. She'd try to block him from leaving the house. Many times, while I was away, he'd leave the house hungry. She'd be right there yelling, while he was trying to prepare dinner. I cringe now, when I think about how I left him. She couldn't keep a boyfriend. They would hit her, and she'd leave them asap (which we taught her, rightly so). Hubby has never lifted a finger to me, nor I to him. So she wasn't repeating a pattern, looking for a replacement abusive male figure. I think she brings people to the brink of physical violence. I don't agree with men hitting women...but I can understand why they do it, in her case. She could never keep a job. She had a great one with awesome benefits. But, soon, she was let go. She claimed the bosses treated her like trash, and everyone else was treated with respect. She joined the army, and was soon kicked out. She said her sergeant singled her out, and she developed headaches. I imagine they just couldn't put up with her. She returned home for a while, stole our entire nest egg, thousands of dollars, then left and went hiking with friends in a foreign country.

    We had raised her in a small house, and she was a pretty good kid, even though she was a bit strong headed. She'd disobey, but she didn't yell at us. That all began after puberty seemed to hit. That's when all the terrorizing began, and -between her lack of responsibility, smashing things, and my depression, - the house got very messy and worn down. She broke things that we didn't have money to repair: the washing machine, the stove, the faucets, walls, doors, windows, etc. If we weren't buying her food, we were replacing broken items she smashed in a fit of anger.

    After my daughter left the country, H&I decided to buy a new house and have a new beginning. It's been great! We've been spending so much time together, going on walks, preparing for his retirement. She returned to the states and moved to New York, where she found a job. That didn't last long. She must've burned her bridges, but she lost her job. Her roommates kicked her out, since she stopped paying rent. She wanted to move back home, but we denied permission. She started living in shelters, where she met her boyfriend. We were concerned for her, but she knew how to take care of herself. We figured she would land on her feet. I knew there was one manipulative card she hadn't played, yet; and I cringed when I thought about the possibility.
    ********************************************
    About two months ago, our single 30 year old daughter showed up at our door; said her boyfriend beat her, knocked her out, so she left him. I told her to find friends and crash with them. She did that for a couple weeks, then was kicked out. Once again, she showed up at the door. This time, she tossed down that dreaded card: she was pregnant. My worst fear. I had predicted this. As very faithful Christians, we had taught her "marriage first". But she has never respected any morals we've taught her. I threw up my arms and opened the door. I am firmly convinced this was a manipulative tactic to get back in our home. I can just hear her telling her friends, "They won't let me come home...I'll just get pregnant! They'll have to let me in!" She doesn't need a baby. She can barely take care of herself. He doesn't need a mother like that.

    Every suggestion we've offered to help her get back on her feet has been shot down with an excuse. "Get a job"..."I have no car"...."then get a job within walking distance"..."can't lift heavy objects"..."flipping burgers isn't strenuous"..."it's stressful. Being stressed out isn't good for the baby"..."the hotel is close by. You can be a maid"..."I don't want to expose my fetus to germs"...

    So far, she has been so sweet. And she's been cleaning things, as if she is taking care of her own home. But that's the problem. I feel like she's waxing her own car. Her true colors have came out recently, and she kicked me out of my own kitchen. When I confronted her, she started up. I know things will get worse. She begins acting real sweet until she manages to dig in her roots. Once she's secure and confident about her permanence, she starts treating us like scum. I know it's going to get worse, when she has the baby.

    I'm 54 years old, been looking forward to spending the next chapter of our lives together with hubby. I know she's going to expect me to care for the baby. She's going to get a job as soon as the baby starts becoming a responsibility, and I'll be left raising him (it's a boy). We all know that a paying job is much easier than raising a kid. She's going to bail! Leave me with taking care of the kid! My psychiatrist and psychologist have already warned me that this task is too much on me at my age. My psychologist told me I should find a shelter for her. My daughter has stolen all our savings, and we haven't recooperated; so we can't help her financially. The guy who "knocked her out" is the father. She doesn't want him to know about this, due to obvious reasons. If she applies for assistance, they'll look him up for child support. Last night, I began packing my bags. Then I stood up and took back what's mine! I REFUSE TO LEAVE MY NICE HOME ONCE AGAIN!! I'm not going to put my husband through all that again. She did this to herself. I told her, regardless of what happens, I want her out before the baby is born.

    I already resent her and the baby. The poor fellow hasn't done anything wrong. I understand that. He doesn't deserve any of this. I'm afraid of how I will treat him, if he lives here with us. I already have a granddaughter from my son. It wouldn't be fair to him or the family if daughter and grandson ate all our recourses. Even if a he consider adoption, she would need the father's signature. She told me all his family are drug addicts. I don't even know what to believe any more. I don't even know if he really knocked her down. But I do believe she purposely got herself pregnant.

    I don't know what to do. Believe it or not, there are so many non factors in this novel that I've omitted. But they really don't apply.

    I don't like the thoughts that have entered my head, lately. Things I've always been taught against doing have been spinning around my brain. I love my daughter, but I hate the way she's treated us. I hate the way she's finally found a way to neatly tie our hands. What choice do we have now?
     
  2. Your choices are: 1. Allow her to live with you and become so attached to the baby that you would allow anything in order to make sure he is okay. 2. Give her a 2-week notice to move out and stick to it. (Better check with her rights. Once someone is living with you they do have legal rights.) Most towns have places where a pregnant woman can live, especially one that was subjected to domestic violence. Maybe on Monday you can call social services and get a list for her.
     
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  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Baby or not, your life is over if this daughter stays in your house. She pulled a knife on you once and you didnt call the police and get a restraining order on her? She STOLE your entire nestegg and you didnt call the police or throw her out?

    She has all the power in the family yet she is toddler like abusive. And mean and and a thief and close to assaulting husband when she blocks him from leaving his home. Who does she think she is? She destroys the sanctuary that should be your peaceful home. YOUR home. WHY do you think you need to live with her? Yes, you gave birth to her, but she is an adult now. Mommy days are long over. You paid your dues. You taught her good values yet she discarded them, which is her choice. This is not your fault.

    We are all different but my own feeling is, only daughter or not, i would not have let her chase me out of my own home, interferred with my beloved husband, and probably would not have had much to do with her after the knife and theft.

    The baby was inevitable and a tool and will be used to force you to put up with daughter's abuse. I urge you not to do this. There is government help for single mothers. If she ever abuses the baby or no longer wants him, if you want you can take legal steps to get custody. Or call cps and let them handle it. 30 is old to raise a baby. You dont have to.

    You can also just let her raise her own child, but not in your home. If it were me, I would offer to take in the baby sometimes, but not her.

    Your daughter is no child. She is 30. You have let her terrorize you and others in your home since...eighteen?

    It is time for you to worry about yourself and mend your marriage and give time to your loving children. You cant save your daughter or the baby that she can and will rip from you each time you dont kiss her feet, but you have power to make YOUR life good without her.

    Let her grow up. None of us can live forever. You do her no favors letting her act like a dictator.. nobody else will allow it and she will expect it.

    Much love and hugs
     
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    Last edited: Nov 25, 2017
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Your daughter is manipulating and abusing you and your husband with her dramas, choices and lifestyle. It is highly unlikely that she is going to change. You are enabling her, there is absolutely no incentive for her to change. So, you will have to respond differently, you will have to change.

    For your own health and well being, it certainly sounds like you have to make a different choice or you will be raising a grandson and taking care of both of them for the next couple of decades. Unless that is what you are reconciled to, then you need to learn boundaries, to say no, to stop this abuse.

    You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. In addition, you may want to read the book, Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. You might also call NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, they have excellent parent courses which may help you with information, resources, guidance and support.

    Try googling shelters for families or shelters for women in your town.

    Do not allow your daughter to drag you around with her poor choices and entitled manipulations. She only has the power you allow her to have, by believing YOU have no choice, you allow her to do whatever she wants. You are not responsible for her choices nor are you responsible for the child. You can't fix this, you didn't cause it and you can't control it.

    You already know how this is going to go, don't allow that to happen. You DO have a choice. Your daughters life is her own, she must learn to suffer the consequences of her behavior. She can have many more children, do you want to raise all of them?

    Take care of yourself and your husband. You matter. You deserve to have a life of peace and joy. You've worked for this time. Protect yourselves. Protect what is yours. Keep posting, it helps. Get yourself a strong support system to make the necessary changes so that your life and your well being are the priority. Take your life back.
     
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  5. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I expect she would get kicked out of the battered women's shelter because of her propensity to violence and not having the skills to get along with anyone. Do you think she would be verbally abusive to the child? That can be almost as damaging as physical abuse. I like to be optimistic and hope for the best, but I don't know if having a baby would change her. I agree that the baby's father shouldn't be made aware of the pregnancy. I think your daughter has some anger issues from long ago that have never been resolved. I know you don't want custody, but she may not make a good mom. In some states the father doesn't have to agree to relinquish his parental rights. Our son's mom doesn't even know who his father is, so our son's grandma got custody. After his grandmother died, we legally adopted him. Maybe your daughter could tell the adoption agency she doesn't know who the father is, and there would be no way to find him to sign over his parental rights. But, it sounds unlikely she was give the child up. She may use him as a pawn and move him and herself into your home. If she won't put him up for adoption, you may need to be prepared to take custody. Nobody plans on raising a kid in their fifties and sixties, but it's very common. You may be the person who saves this poor kid. My son's grandma didn't think she could do it, but she did an amazing job with him. I truly believe the two years she had custody, she saved him. Otherwise, he will end up in foster care, which is even worse than your daughter raising him.
     
  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcome SpunOut! I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I'm glad you found us here.

    From what you have shared I have gleaned that your daughter is a manipulative bully. You are not alone in dealing with an adult child with these characteristics. Your daughter sounds much like my son. I too have been bullied by him, felt threatened by him. He's also stolen from me numerous times and caused serious damage to my home. I get what you are dealing with.

    I'm glad that you are seeing a therapist and I agree with the advice they have given you to find a shelter that she can go to. I think your suspicions about her expecting you to take care of the baby are probably true.

    I'm glad that you did not leave this time, that you recognize that you cannot allow her to push you out of your home, your new home that you and your husband bought to have a fresh start. As you said she is starting to bully you again by pushing you out of your own kitchen. This behaviour will not stop until you make it stop.

    The best thing you can do is arm yourself with information. Find out all you can about organizations that can offer her help. Find out which ones can take her in. You have already set a timeline, that you want her out before the baby comes. You need to stick to this but also be more specific with a date. Give her the names of organizations that can help her and tell her which ones can take her. The better informed you are the less chance she will be able to say "they won't help me"

    Something else you need to consider, if she causes damage to your home or God forbid, she pulls a knife on you again, you need to call the police. There needs to be a record of this. You cannot allow her to get away with bullying you anymore.
    I will caution you that once you start to change how you respond to her she will most likely ramp it up. Be prepared for her to fly off the handle and be even more abusive, physically and verbally. Again, call the police if needed.
    This is the hardest part of changing things. Our difficult adult children have counted on being able to guilt us the parents into helping them. The problem is, we aren't helping them at this point we are enabling their bad behaviour.

    If you are in the process of doing laundry and she tries to take over, or you are in the kitchen and she tries to take over be very firm and tell her NO. If she goes into a rage where she is screaming at you tell her she needs to calm down or you will call the police. Let her know that you will no longer be bullied by her. She needs to be held accountable for her choices and behaviour.

    Whatever you do, do not feel guilty about getting her out of your home. Your home should be your sanctuary, a place you feel at peace and feel safe.
    She is 30 years old and not your responsibility.

    Please let us know how things are going. We are here for you and we care.

    Stay strong, you can do this!!

    ((HUGS))
     
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  7. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Hi Spun Out

    I have nothing to add, you have received some very wise advice. I am just letting you Kims you are not alone. I too am sorry for what you are going through. Glad you found us sad you have to be here.
     
  8. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    You have to do what you can live with, and I know it's hard to think of not taking your daughter in, but, I believe, in your heart of hearts, you know that taking her in will destroy you and your husband's lives, and it will not change her.

    I've had to do this hard thing, and it hurts, and I struggle with guilt and fear, but I have done it. Like you, our daughter was raised well, but undiagnosed mental illness (Borderline (BPD)) and addiction emerged in her early adulthood. She is on baby number two and has left both abusers. We have taken her in, bank-rolled her, and on, and on. None of it has worked.

    This last time we did not take her in. She has cut all contact because she says we are horrible parents. I have to live with that, but I will not live with being abused in my own home.

    Taking care of yourself and your husband is essential for your well-being, and ultimately for all. You didn't cause your daughter's bad behavior, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Only she can do that.
     
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  9. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Rushing...apologies
    I would find out about adoption for her child
    If it is early and acceptable to all parties, I would consider termination.
    I would get her out of the house asap.
    Find out about any and all government monies she might be entitled to.
    Consider seeking the advise of an attorney. What rights do you have if she stays at your house?
    Can you kick her out?
    Where can she and the baby go once there is a birth?
    Let it be perfectly clear that if she steals from you again or is violent with you again, you will immediately call the police and then do so
    If you haven't done so already, see a counselor/therapist.
    Nurture your relationship with your husband.
    Hide and lock everything of value. Be very careful.
    Do your very best to get her out of the house.
    Limit your interaction with her and what you give her. Help her get out of the house . Research. The one thing you might provide for her down the road is birth control from the doctor.
     
  10. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    You’ve gotten great advice so far. We’re raising our grandson after our daughter moved back in when pregnant, then went off to party after he was born. Now she’s pregnant again, but we’ve stuck to our boundary and she’s not moving back in. We’ve told her as far as we’re concerned, adoption is her only option. She has started the process (no guarantee she’ll go through with it). Whatever she does, we’re not rescuing her.

    And it’s not true the “father” has to sign off on the adoption if he’s not supporting her emotionally or financially during the pregnancy.
     
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    DoneDad, it is true, unless its different in all states. My youngest childs birthfather was in prison for the entire pregnancy and he still HAD to sign off or his family would have had custody until he got out. The birthmother, a real gem, made it happen. He signed.

    Either way, I dont think the baby should dictate anything. Like your daughter, this posters daughter will keep getting pregnant if a baby gets her freebies from Mom. Not good idea to give these types of adult toddlers a reason to keep bringing innocents into the world.
     
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Have you ever actually met any of her boyfriends? Seen any of them be violent with her? How strong is her relationship with the truth? Do you trust her to tell you the truth all the time? I am not sure she isn't lying to you about the guy hitting her. Or about her not being the one to hit him first. I am not saying it is right for him to hit her, just that mutual combat is not the same as being with an abusive man, especially when the man is defending himself.

    So you don't necessarily know that the baby would be worse off with the father. It could be that he threw her out for coming at him with a knife like she did with you. Then she made up a story about him hitting her and even hit herself to fake the bruises if you saw any.

    Do NOT allow her to stay in your home!!!!!! I don't really care how sweet she is. She has stolen your savings to take a trip. She has held a knife on you. She has destroyed your home to the point you had to move. This won't change. She got pregnant because she thought you would have to let her stay. Take her to one of those Christian places that helps pregnant unwed mothers. They will help her. If she pulls her nonsense, they will do what needs to be done - they will cut her loose. Tell your daughter that you won't EVER let her live in your home. If she wants to see you, you will meet her somewhere, but her visit is over and she needs to leave. Pack her stuff and put it outside. If she starts saying that she was there to stay, tell her that you never agreed to that and she has overstayed her visit. She needs to go and make her way in the world. She has a child to think of and she needs to figure out how to support it.

    She CHOSE to get pregnant and she can choose to figure out how to support herself and her child. You owe her nothing. You gave birth to her and raised her, gave her a good childhood. That is over. She is no longer a child.

    Read the article on detachment. Get a copy of Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie and read it. Your daughter can choose to act in different ways, but so far she gets what she wants by acting the way she does. It is time to show her that her actions don't work any longer. The sweet behavior is wearing off, so it is time for her to go.

    I think 2 weeks is long enough for her to take a break from her life. Now she has to go out and figure out how she will support her baby. As for germs from working as a hotel maid? They will strengthen her immune system and make her baby stronger. The stress of working in a burger place? She will get free meals and a paycheck and it will build up her stamina for labor and delivery. Trust me, any argument she has, there is a comeback. She is far better off out there where she has to do something, in a shelter where she has to figure something out than under your roof where she is free to do nothing. It is just better for her growth and development. You are holding her back by letting her live in your home. As her parents, it is your job to make her go out and launch into the world for good. Especially now that she has a child coming. If she cannot figure out how to support a child, then she needs to figure that out now so she knows to give her child up when it is born.

    Right now she thinks she has you right where she wants you. Shake up her world and toss her out. Tell her it is for her own good and if she shrieks at you, walk away. If she bangs on your door, call 911. Tell them you have a disturbance and you need to have someone removed from your home. You have a guest that won't quit screaming and you need an ambulance to take her for an evaluation. Then take her stuff to the hospital and tell her not to come back. If she shows up back at your home, don't open the door. Call the cops to have her removed. I am at least 1000% certain you should do this.
     
  13. TerriH

    TerriH Member

    Is there any reason why you cannot take her to a shelter next week?