Pretty painful lately...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by lovemysons, May 31, 2013.

  1. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi all,

    Sorry I have been so "absent". It's been a rough few weeks.

    Young difficult child is still drinking. husband won't hardly speak a word to him. I am feeling alittle caught in the middle.
    2 nights ago, young difficult child shared letters written to him in prison with me. He told me that he "might" go back to prison that at least there he knew what the expectations were and that no one "owed" him anything.
    He also said that money didn't mean anything to him...that he will feel free'er living under a bridge than he does in our home.
    He questions if 3rd baby is his...says he's not sure (though she resembles husband and has young difficult child's nose!).

    Young difficult child says he has "daddy issues". I can't fix it. I am hurt that after living a life with no dad around for me ever, that I gave him his father and that he doesn't believe his father loves him or can care for him the way he needs.

    Meanwhile, he has not seen his family in several weeks. Young difficult child was drunk one night and being quite hateful on phone with wife. We are all waiting for him to stop drinking. Or something to happen...I dread this feeling.

    Then...there is easy child. She is home from College...FOR GOOD.
    She lost her Scholarship for her Senior year...Poor Athletic performance (only a 160 bowling average).
    The next week...she Totaled her car.
    The next week it was breaking her phone.
    Gawd I hope this "comes in three's" is over!
    I don't think we can afford one more blow with this child.

    Enough about me and mine...I need to catch up with you all.
    Thanks for listening and being there.
  2. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    I don't know what to say other than {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}.
  3. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Member


    geez, you do need a break.

    so sad to hear what young difficult child says and thinks. But, you are right, you cannot fix that. Maybe he will open his heart and mind little by little and see what life can be like for him...if he chooses differently,

    sending you peaceful thoughts.
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Aw LMS it sounds lke you need a break. Remember you didn't cause difficult child's drinking and you can't cure it, he has to do that on his own.
  5. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    A giant hug for you. I too am absent a lot. I do read post here and there and I am so sorry for all the recent bad stuff. A break would be nice. Hang in there and hope easy child will weather the storm.
  6. Mrs.McNear51

    Mrs.McNear51 Member

    Love and prayers for you and the family Tammy. It's so difficult when you offer the tools they need and they have no interest in participating. I was surprised to read about easy child's behavior, although, I am having some issues with my Carley as well. I will be praying for a healthy outcome for all. Don't forget to take care of yourself. Love you!
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Of course we are listening and here for you...we ARE family! Just wanted to let you know I'm keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers as always. by the way, Tammy, my "Mommy Radar" is triggered by your easy child. I think something major happened to her this past year and perhaps she is not sharing her pain. Of course I could be wrong but if she won't or can't share with you or husband..perhaps it's worth a trip to a therapist just to make sure. Hugs DDD
  8. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Oh LMS, when it rains it pours. Ditto ddd's wise words above.

    Thinking of you, always
  9. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    It does seem to come in batches. The most gentle of hugs for your hurting mommy heart.
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Tammy, as far as young difficult child, I think you have done all you can do and you need to step away and let him fall apart and get his wishes for living under that bridge with no money. Daddy issues my fat white tail. He is using excuses to attempt to cover up why he wont admit why his problems could possibly be his fault. If he has daddy issues, get away from daddy!

    I am in total agreement with DDD about your daughter. She has been a easy child for all these years and something has happened. Now it could be that she suddenly has decided that she needs your attention but I am more inclined to think that something happened at college. Considering her decision to be completely open about her orientation it may be that some idiotic male decided he would straighten her out. That has been known to happen. She may have been threatened. I know she is a very strong young woman but that is a very hard thing to have happen to you and if she liked this person as a friend it may be a very difficult situation for her. I would really work on worrying about her and let young difficult child hit his bottom and if that is prison again, well he is doing it to himself. Your daughter is another story.
  11. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thank You all for the hugs, care, and thoughts.

    Well, Young difficult child decided this past Sunday to go to his mother in law's house where wife and kids are and give wife a dozen roses and promise her he will stop drinking. Hmmm. We will see how long this lasts...I hope it's real.
    Haven't seen him in past several nights since "making up" with wife. Wife's mom is out of town on trip to Australia. She would be beside herself if she knew young difficult child were staying at her house this week!

    husband and I have also let young difficult child know that we think he needs to move out by July 15th. He is making enough money now to at least live in some kind of small apartment.

    About easy child...She is a very private person. Only shares with a few.
    I did point blank ask her the other night if anything happend to her this past year that she might want to share with me and she said no, and thought that was an "odd question".
    She did let me know however, that I have been talking to her like she is still a child...Asking her if she has taken her medicine (took to doctors the other day for Strep throat) suggesting that she clean up her room before she leaves etc.
    She reminded me that she has lived happily on her own now for quite awhile.
    Soooo, I guess I need to back off alittle and show her some respect...woman to woman.

    That's about it for now.
    Oh, oldest difficult child turns 26 on June 8th. It is so hard to believe my first born "wild child" is that old! Geez, only a few more years and I will have a 30 yr old son!!!
    And at least 6 grandchildren! Wow.

  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Glad you reached out to her, Tammy. Asking her only shows that you care so that shouldn't be a problem Perhaps I am a bit paranoid but I personally know three college age kids who were victimized in college and dropped out without ever revealing their trauma. Since your easy child announced not long ago that she was going to buy a gun for protection I let my mind jump to a possible connection. I also thought that she may have lost a SO that resulted in depression and the need to flee.

    Her request to be treated like an adult makes sense. Our many years of being "Mommy" don't just disappear over night! Heck, I still ask my VERY adult children "what would you like for breakfast?" when they are in my home. Of course, lol, they've been fixing their own meals for thirty years! Parenting at any age is a challenge and you are darn good at it, my friend. Hugs DDD
  13. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    DDD... I ask every single guest and every single resident the same question. In my house... I'm the cook, and nobody takes over my kitchen. You want it, you talk to the cook! :>) That one is reasonable. But... there's a fine line in there somewhere, and some things can be asked of a 12 year old that can't be asked of a 22 year old...
  14. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Member

    I think adult children take the breakfast question differently and think, "What...does she think I can't make my own breakfast?" When you are just trying to be kind.

    I'd offer similar to ANY guest.

    Personally, I'm trying to learn to distinguish what are difficult child's issues and what are mine. Then go further to see whether those issues are normal or not.
  15. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    LMS.....Hugs.... It has to be so frustrating to see young difficult child drinking again after everything he has been through. Hopefully he is serious enough about not drinking to get support not to.... not too many addicts can stop totally on their own.

    As far as easy child I am glad you reached out to her... you opened the door and although she didnt want to talk about it or did not acknowledge anything you let her know she can come to you.... and it opened up the conversation for her to let you know you need to back off. Once you back off she might decide to open up if she needs to. I have found that with my easy child daughter... when she wants me to back off I have to back off. If I dont then I make everything worse. However when I do she usually does at some point let me know what is going on.

    I think that transition from teen at home to young adult is a precarious one for all of us, even with a easy child.