I haven’t been on any forums in a very long time, so please forgive me for not knowing the acronyms that would simplify my post. Quick background. I am Mom to four sons, the oldest three of which are adopted by me in 2010. I was previously their stepmother, having raised them with their father since they were ages 4 and under. Son1 is now 20, living on his own, Son2 is 18, living at home again after a short time of living with friends as well as some major legal problems, Son3 is 17, still at home and set to graduate this year, and Son4, my only biological child with my husband, age 12. As I said, I adopted my stepsons a few years ago, but I had always been their full time parent. BM was in and out of their lives and on her final summer visit with them on 2007, she basically kidnapped them. Her visitation rights were suspended, court regarding the kidnapping charges was settled, but she never fought to regain any visitation rights. She eventually contacted us about signing away her rights in early 2010, and the adoption was finalized a few months later. There was no contact from August 2007 until September of 2013, when Son2 contacted her behind our backs, although he was still underage. BM was always a very volatile person and still is. Very unstable. I could tell a million horror stories of her involvement. I had hoped that was enough to keep my kids from wanting contact with her, but that hasn’t been the case. At the very least I had hoped they would wait to contact her until they were old and mature enough to handle her personality. And also that they would establish some boundaries. Wishful thinking on my part…. Sons 1 and 2 maintain relationships (thankfully there is distance as we are 700 miles apart) with her, but refuse to defend the honor or their father or me. She continually runs us into the ground as she did in the past and has even sent me ignorant messages on facebook (we are NOT friends) until I blocked her. She makes cracks about us to the kids on facebook where their friends can see the comments, but the kids do nothing. We have mentioned this to them as tactfully as possible, but it seems that short of forcing them to do something, they have no intention of telling her to stop. I accepted that they may eventually seek her out but I never expected that they would tolerate the disrespect or dish it out themselves. Son1 barely speaks to us, hardly comes around, calls, texts, etc. We saw him the day after Christmas for the first time in four months. Not even a phone call in between. husband and I think he had a motive for coming by as we have a property that is vacant and he is looking for a place to rent for himself and his girlfriend. He received a phone call from BM in the presence of my 12 year old, calling her “mom” and when my son asked what I had called for Son1’s response was “That was MY mom, not YOUR mom.” 20 years old and that’s how he responded to his little brother’s question. My son was disturbed enough by it to tell me and be visibly upset. I had to console him. He had more concern for my honor than the 20 year old did. Son1 has also been volatile to us in the recent past, coming in and out of our lives, stealing from my 12 year old, telling us to $*@& off last Christmas eve, etc. Son2, who started this drama by contacting her then telling Son1 about it, is only staying with us again because he had a falling out with a girlfriend, was acting recklessly, stealing, popping pills, etc. He spent two weeks in jail for burglary, felony gun charges, and traffic violations for wrecking the girlfriend’s mother’s car and totaling it. Before this he had little to no contact with us for the roughly 6 months that he had been living away from home. husband and I feel like he will leave the minute his legal problems are dealt with. Right now he is working for his dad, but slowly falling back to old habits. So my problem is this….. how do I remedy my feelings for them and for the situation? I am considering counseling, but have no idea where to start with this mess. My two oldest kids toy with my emotions, they abuse my love for them, show me no love, respect, or honor, and have pretty much decided that their BM is more worthy of their time and love than I am. I’ve sacrificed everything to raise them and I feel like it was all for nothing. If I had known they’d be such poor excuses for adults and would just run back to their crazy BM like nothing bad ever happened (and bad DID happen!!), would I have done all I did for them? Of course I would have, but now I’m left holding the bag and I am out of ideas. Any advice???