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Problems with adult adoptive sons
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<blockquote data-quote="Oliveoyl78" data-source="post: 643288" data-attributes="member: 18657"><p>Thank you Cedar, for asking how I am. I am doing good today! I have new life, finding this board and committing myself to this new challenge of putting my kids' responsibility for themselves into their own hands. I am hopeful that husband is as willing to be firm, as he insisted to Son2 today that he was no longer going to fight to get him awake for work in the mornings. If Son2 isn't up, he won't be going to work that day! </p><p>I'm glad to be here and hope to get more time to read through other posts to lend my support. You all have been so helpful thus far. I always thought detaching was a bad thing, that I was essentially giving up and letting my kids sink or swim. If they sank it would be my fault, and if they swam they'd still blame me for standing there doing nothing. It might get tough, but I think I can do it.</p><p>To clarify a bit on my story, I entered the boys' lives in late 1998 when they were 3, 2, and 1. (yes, I know! LOL) I married their dad two years later and that's about the time BM came back and was granted once monthly visitation as well as phone calls- between certain hours, any day of the week. It was another 2 years before they began calling me Mom. BM caused nothing but trouble, made abuse allegations, manipulated anyone and anything she could, etc. In 2007 she decided to not return the boys after her 3 week summer visit. She hid the kids for 2 months before we found them (out of state no less, where she has always lived) and that's when all visits and communication stopped. She sent me an email in early 2010 asking to sign away her rights and be let off on her back child support. We agreed and I adopted them later that year. As little as she was in their lives, it was enough to cause major damage. I sat with them through numerous therapy appointments, talked to them, tried to get them to open up, all to no avail. The minute they thought they were old enough and the opportunity presented itself, they sought her out. Which in itself was devastating enough that Son1 followed her advice on how to get out of the Army. He had just gotten out of basic training. He never gave it a chance once she was back in his life.</p><p>I know I can't protect them anymore and I have no control over the two "adults" having a relationship with her. I do still insist on no contact for the 17 year old. I am hoping he learns from the other two to stay away from her. I would happily support them reconnecting with her if she was stable and everyone recognized and respected that I am their mother. After all, she willingly gave me that privilege. But maybe that's running my agenda. So I don't support their relationship, unless something were to change, and if I'm selfish for doing so then I'm just going to be selfish for a change.</p><p>Oh, could someone please define difficult child? I know it means gift from God, but who does it apply to? Difficult children? Adopted? Bio? Any combination of these things and/or others? I'm not sure what it means <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Oliveoyl78, post: 643288, member: 18657"] Thank you Cedar, for asking how I am. I am doing good today! I have new life, finding this board and committing myself to this new challenge of putting my kids' responsibility for themselves into their own hands. I am hopeful that husband is as willing to be firm, as he insisted to Son2 today that he was no longer going to fight to get him awake for work in the mornings. If Son2 isn't up, he won't be going to work that day! I'm glad to be here and hope to get more time to read through other posts to lend my support. You all have been so helpful thus far. I always thought detaching was a bad thing, that I was essentially giving up and letting my kids sink or swim. If they sank it would be my fault, and if they swam they'd still blame me for standing there doing nothing. It might get tough, but I think I can do it. To clarify a bit on my story, I entered the boys' lives in late 1998 when they were 3, 2, and 1. (yes, I know! LOL) I married their dad two years later and that's about the time BM came back and was granted once monthly visitation as well as phone calls- between certain hours, any day of the week. It was another 2 years before they began calling me Mom. BM caused nothing but trouble, made abuse allegations, manipulated anyone and anything she could, etc. In 2007 she decided to not return the boys after her 3 week summer visit. She hid the kids for 2 months before we found them (out of state no less, where she has always lived) and that's when all visits and communication stopped. She sent me an email in early 2010 asking to sign away her rights and be let off on her back child support. We agreed and I adopted them later that year. As little as she was in their lives, it was enough to cause major damage. I sat with them through numerous therapy appointments, talked to them, tried to get them to open up, all to no avail. The minute they thought they were old enough and the opportunity presented itself, they sought her out. Which in itself was devastating enough that Son1 followed her advice on how to get out of the Army. He had just gotten out of basic training. He never gave it a chance once she was back in his life. I know I can't protect them anymore and I have no control over the two "adults" having a relationship with her. I do still insist on no contact for the 17 year old. I am hoping he learns from the other two to stay away from her. I would happily support them reconnecting with her if she was stable and everyone recognized and respected that I am their mother. After all, she willingly gave me that privilege. But maybe that's running my agenda. So I don't support their relationship, unless something were to change, and if I'm selfish for doing so then I'm just going to be selfish for a change. Oh, could someone please define difficult child? I know it means gift from God, but who does it apply to? Difficult children? Adopted? Bio? Any combination of these things and/or others? I'm not sure what it means ;) [/QUOTE]
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