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Problems with adult adoptive sons
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 643292" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Olive, my youngest adopted daughter, who is as much of a easy child as any child could be, never knew her parents, although we did. She was usually fine, happy, mature and stable, but for a while in middle school, she had a problem about being "given away." She told me, in one of our frank, I-am-not-offended talks, "Being adopted should be a special need. It's hard." I did connect with her easy child mother and she wrote to my daughter and that seemed to help...there have been no issues since.I did love her mother dearly so that helps, but birthmother still did not want to keep corresponding with Daughter because she had married and the husband didn't want her too and she had three other kids. My Daughter didn't seem to mind that once she saw FB pictures and finally knew her identity. Now her birthfather was in prison and she looked up his mug shot. That bothered her a little, of course, but her main interest was her birthmother. She has been ok.</p><p></p><p>Being adopted, abandoned by the person who gave birth to you, is very hard, even if you have a wonderful life. Your kids knew their birthmother all along and knew she had rejected t hem yet a second time. I'm not so sure I'd have let her get out of custody or the child support. I am wondering how they felt about their mother, useless though she is/was, actually telling the courts that she didn't want them anymore. Your adopting them was kind and caring, but I'm not sure they saw it that way.</p><p></p><p>It is NOT uncommon for kids who were adopted older or as stepchildren to children to seek out their birthparents and feel a connection to them that they plain don't feel to us. One thing I learned in my adoptive parent group that I've attended for twenty some years. DNA is huge. Most of the adoptive kid reunions in my group were known to the adotpive parents and they would express shock at how much their child was like this birthparent they never met, from the same voice, the same interests, the same inclination to drug use or mischief of other sorts, or even hand and facial gestures.</p><p></p><p>We can give them stability and love, but we can't change their inherited personality traits.</p><p></p><p>Your older sons have a lot of bio. mom in their DNA. They can't help it, but they CAN stop abusing you and their father. That choice is on them. As for what bio. mom's role is in their life now, or about talking son out of joining the Army, they are free to talk to her for her advice and she is free to give it. All parties are over twenty-one. Bio. mom did not decide that Son would not join Army. He made the final decision. Nobody can make decisions for somebody else. It is a hard concept to realize that we have 0% control over others and 100% only over one person...us. But that's the truth.</p><p></p><p>I assume your younger son is your biological child. So he is more like you and has no divided loyalties. It's different ballgame for the younger one.</p><p></p><p>One day your older boys may see birthmother for who she is. I think the best way to let that unfold is to not speak about her in a negative way, except in private to your husband, and not to comment to them about her lifestyle. They will decide they don't like it or they won't. It is now up to them.</p><p></p><p>As for the rest of your family...since your oldest two are adults, you don't owe them $1. Do only what you feel they deserve or that you WANT to give. Some of our difficult children think we are only The ATM. That isn't good for them and can devestate our bank accounts.</p><p></p><p>You can not expect or force biological mom to think of you as the real mother, even though she surrendered them. She is a difficult child too and she will never say that. And the boys don't think so either? Well, they have that right. We adopted one child at six from another country. He was given everything plus abundant love and did not meet his birthmother, but he decided we were not his family and left, except for my ex, his RICH father. Nothing I can do about it. He did go to Hong Kong (he is very financially successful) and meet his "real" family (shrug). I can't make him think I am his real mother. He clearly does not. The kids I adopted in infancy feel I am their real mom. My older adoptions were big fails. Two don't live with us anymore as one was dangerous and scary. The other was a victim of this kid so we let him go to a foster family he really liked...long story. It is much easier to adopt an infant. The bond is there. That doesn't mean they won't wonder, but you have that VERY EARLY CONSTANT bond and THAT can't be shaken either.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry for the garbage you are putting up with. I hope you cling to your blessings and start taking really good care of YOU. YOU deserve a good life surrounding by loving, non-abusive people. HUgs for your hurting heart.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 643292, member: 1550"] Olive, my youngest adopted daughter, who is as much of a easy child as any child could be, never knew her parents, although we did. She was usually fine, happy, mature and stable, but for a while in middle school, she had a problem about being "given away." She told me, in one of our frank, I-am-not-offended talks, "Being adopted should be a special need. It's hard." I did connect with her easy child mother and she wrote to my daughter and that seemed to help...there have been no issues since.I did love her mother dearly so that helps, but birthmother still did not want to keep corresponding with Daughter because she had married and the husband didn't want her too and she had three other kids. My Daughter didn't seem to mind that once she saw FB pictures and finally knew her identity. Now her birthfather was in prison and she looked up his mug shot. That bothered her a little, of course, but her main interest was her birthmother. She has been ok. Being adopted, abandoned by the person who gave birth to you, is very hard, even if you have a wonderful life. Your kids knew their birthmother all along and knew she had rejected t hem yet a second time. I'm not so sure I'd have let her get out of custody or the child support. I am wondering how they felt about their mother, useless though she is/was, actually telling the courts that she didn't want them anymore. Your adopting them was kind and caring, but I'm not sure they saw it that way. It is NOT uncommon for kids who were adopted older or as stepchildren to children to seek out their birthparents and feel a connection to them that they plain don't feel to us. One thing I learned in my adoptive parent group that I've attended for twenty some years. DNA is huge. Most of the adoptive kid reunions in my group were known to the adotpive parents and they would express shock at how much their child was like this birthparent they never met, from the same voice, the same interests, the same inclination to drug use or mischief of other sorts, or even hand and facial gestures. We can give them stability and love, but we can't change their inherited personality traits. Your older sons have a lot of bio. mom in their DNA. They can't help it, but they CAN stop abusing you and their father. That choice is on them. As for what bio. mom's role is in their life now, or about talking son out of joining the Army, they are free to talk to her for her advice and she is free to give it. All parties are over twenty-one. Bio. mom did not decide that Son would not join Army. He made the final decision. Nobody can make decisions for somebody else. It is a hard concept to realize that we have 0% control over others and 100% only over one person...us. But that's the truth. I assume your younger son is your biological child. So he is more like you and has no divided loyalties. It's different ballgame for the younger one. One day your older boys may see birthmother for who she is. I think the best way to let that unfold is to not speak about her in a negative way, except in private to your husband, and not to comment to them about her lifestyle. They will decide they don't like it or they won't. It is now up to them. As for the rest of your family...since your oldest two are adults, you don't owe them $1. Do only what you feel they deserve or that you WANT to give. Some of our difficult children think we are only The ATM. That isn't good for them and can devestate our bank accounts. You can not expect or force biological mom to think of you as the real mother, even though she surrendered them. She is a difficult child too and she will never say that. And the boys don't think so either? Well, they have that right. We adopted one child at six from another country. He was given everything plus abundant love and did not meet his birthmother, but he decided we were not his family and left, except for my ex, his RICH father. Nothing I can do about it. He did go to Hong Kong (he is very financially successful) and meet his "real" family (shrug). I can't make him think I am his real mother. He clearly does not. The kids I adopted in infancy feel I am their real mom. My older adoptions were big fails. Two don't live with us anymore as one was dangerous and scary. The other was a victim of this kid so we let him go to a foster family he really liked...long story. It is much easier to adopt an infant. The bond is there. That doesn't mean they won't wonder, but you have that VERY EARLY CONSTANT bond and THAT can't be shaken either. I am sorry for the garbage you are putting up with. I hope you cling to your blessings and start taking really good care of YOU. YOU deserve a good life surrounding by loving, non-abusive people. HUgs for your hurting heart. [/QUOTE]
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