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Problems with adult adoptive sons
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<blockquote data-quote="Oliveoyl78" data-source="post: 643321" data-attributes="member: 18657"><p>Thank you MidwestMom! Very insightful and all so very true! Another thing I have to do is to accept that I feel differently about our relationship than my kids do. I have grown to hate the word stepmother, which is so silly because I was one for so long and I know many awesome stepparents. I have told my kids I am no one's stepmother and that I won't tolerate them calling me as such or by my first name, which Son1 has done, and that if they do not want to call me Mom they may call me Mrs. (fill in my last name). I am not perfect and I cannot expect them to be. I have to fight my own issues, the things that burden me and let the past hold me captive. I get that. I thank you LucyJ for the link, I will look at the site. I have been to many pages, hoping to find answers and advice. I've made a couple very good friends, and we've tried supporting each other through various things, yet I am still struggling. I think this group is what I needed way back when. Better late than never! </p><p>I do feel like the late adoption (even though I came into their lives in their toddlerhood) has been a disadvantage. I also agree 100% that the abandonment by BM has been a life long struggle for all three boys. (Yes, my 12yo is my biological child and he's all about defending his mom and dad! Bless his heart) I cannot imagine their pain. I have spent many hours grieving for them and the loss and rejection they have suffered. I wish I could change it for them, but I cannot. I've supported them the best I can. I know they have jealousy towards their youngest brother because he has not been rejected by a birth parent, esp Son2. They are getting better with that. They are also not blind to BM's faults and are seeing that she has not changed at all. I do think part of the draw to her is that she has other children that they would like to get to know. </p><p>Ultimately, learning to give up my wishes for them and their future and letting them take the reins, even when I know they're not doing it the way I would... that's what I have such trouble with, but yet it's so important. I have to learn to be ok with their choices, yet not compromise my values. In the few days I've been on this board, I already feel I'm gaining confidence in what I'm doing. I can't thank you all enough</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Oliveoyl78, post: 643321, member: 18657"] Thank you MidwestMom! Very insightful and all so very true! Another thing I have to do is to accept that I feel differently about our relationship than my kids do. I have grown to hate the word stepmother, which is so silly because I was one for so long and I know many awesome stepparents. I have told my kids I am no one's stepmother and that I won't tolerate them calling me as such or by my first name, which Son1 has done, and that if they do not want to call me Mom they may call me Mrs. (fill in my last name). I am not perfect and I cannot expect them to be. I have to fight my own issues, the things that burden me and let the past hold me captive. I get that. I thank you LucyJ for the link, I will look at the site. I have been to many pages, hoping to find answers and advice. I've made a couple very good friends, and we've tried supporting each other through various things, yet I am still struggling. I think this group is what I needed way back when. Better late than never! I do feel like the late adoption (even though I came into their lives in their toddlerhood) has been a disadvantage. I also agree 100% that the abandonment by BM has been a life long struggle for all three boys. (Yes, my 12yo is my biological child and he's all about defending his mom and dad! Bless his heart) I cannot imagine their pain. I have spent many hours grieving for them and the loss and rejection they have suffered. I wish I could change it for them, but I cannot. I've supported them the best I can. I know they have jealousy towards their youngest brother because he has not been rejected by a birth parent, esp Son2. They are getting better with that. They are also not blind to BM's faults and are seeing that she has not changed at all. I do think part of the draw to her is that she has other children that they would like to get to know. Ultimately, learning to give up my wishes for them and their future and letting them take the reins, even when I know they're not doing it the way I would... that's what I have such trouble with, but yet it's so important. I have to learn to be ok with their choices, yet not compromise my values. In the few days I've been on this board, I already feel I'm gaining confidence in what I'm doing. I can't thank you all enough [/QUOTE]
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