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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 729042" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Welcome H2H,</p><p></p><p>The good news is that your son is 20 so he really does have a chance to turn things around. Of course at any age our difficult adult children can turn things around but it becomes less likely as the years move on.</p><p></p><p>My first suggestion is to attend Al-Anon meetings. They can be a good source of feedback and support while you deal with your son's drug use.</p><p></p><p>Ultimately we can only do what we are comfortable with. With that being said, you have to ask yourself some serious questions. Are you helping or are you enabling?</p><p>Helping is when the person we are helping is truly putting forth the effort to make changes.</p><p>Enabling is doing for the person that which they should be doing for themselves.</p><p>There is such a fine line between the two and it's so easy to cross the line without even noticing.</p><p></p><p>I'm glad your son is working and paying you rent. That is huge!! Of course the drug use is problematic. For me, I would not allow any drug use in the home regardless of him paying rent. Our difficult children are good at splitting hairs on this one. We tell them no drugs in the house and they will reply with, I don't have drugs in the house, I keep them at my friends house and that's where I use them.</p><p>A more clear boundary would be; while you are living under our roof we will not tolerate you using drugs, this means you are not bring drugs into this house, nor are you to use drugs while living in this house. If you do not abide by these rules then you will need to find another place to live.</p><p>You can also make random drug testing part of the condition for him to live in your home. Make it clear that if he does not follow the rules you set that equals an automatic move out.</p><p></p><p>I don't like the term "kicking them out" I prefer the term "you are being liberated to live your life on your terms"</p><p></p><p>The main thing is you need to have clear and defined boundaries while he's living under your roof.</p><p>It's also a good idea to have a set date in mind for when he will need to move out.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there!! You will get through this.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 729042, member: 18516"] Welcome H2H, The good news is that your son is 20 so he really does have a chance to turn things around. Of course at any age our difficult adult children can turn things around but it becomes less likely as the years move on. My first suggestion is to attend Al-Anon meetings. They can be a good source of feedback and support while you deal with your son's drug use. Ultimately we can only do what we are comfortable with. With that being said, you have to ask yourself some serious questions. Are you helping or are you enabling? Helping is when the person we are helping is truly putting forth the effort to make changes. Enabling is doing for the person that which they should be doing for themselves. There is such a fine line between the two and it's so easy to cross the line without even noticing. I'm glad your son is working and paying you rent. That is huge!! Of course the drug use is problematic. For me, I would not allow any drug use in the home regardless of him paying rent. Our difficult children are good at splitting hairs on this one. We tell them no drugs in the house and they will reply with, I don't have drugs in the house, I keep them at my friends house and that's where I use them. A more clear boundary would be; while you are living under our roof we will not tolerate you using drugs, this means you are not bring drugs into this house, nor are you to use drugs while living in this house. If you do not abide by these rules then you will need to find another place to live. You can also make random drug testing part of the condition for him to live in your home. Make it clear that if he does not follow the rules you set that equals an automatic move out. I don't like the term "kicking them out" I prefer the term "you are being liberated to live your life on your terms" The main thing is you need to have clear and defined boundaries while he's living under your roof. It's also a good idea to have a set date in mind for when he will need to move out. Hang in there!! You will get through this. [/QUOTE]
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