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Protecting Ourselves from Adult difficult children
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<blockquote data-quote="Stress Bunny" data-source="post: 636803" data-attributes="member: 4855"><p>Midwest, thank you for the response. I was hoping you would reply. I know you understand what we're dealing with. We adopted JT out of foster care at age 4, after he had lived with us for 2 years. He has been this way his whole life. It's as if he never wanted or needed parents. I remember taking him for a walk down a nature trail when he was so young, and he refused to walk WITH us or even close enough to talk to him. He had to walk in front of us. I think it made him feel powerful. My hubby tried to show him how to play baseball, but JT refused to be taught anything. He wanted to make up his own rules. At the time, we just thought he was stubborn. We didn't realize that his issues would worsen over time. He has never been able to accept personal responsibility for anything wrong in his life, and he has increasingly conned and manipulated as he's grown older. The thrill he gets from the drama he creates, seems to drive him to continue this way. He doesn't care one bit how he hurts others. We tried to instill a moral compass in JT. We took good care of him, and our extended families loved him. We were strict I guess, because JT was always pushing limits. Maybe we failed him. There is nothing about him or what he is doing that honors the role his dad and I played in his life. He has rejected everything.</p><p></p><p>For the first two years of his life, JT was neglected. His bio mom just didn't take good care of him physically or keep her home sanitary. He had multiple caregivers, and eventually his bio mom left town with the carnival and without her children so her rights were terminated. Now, I am just struck by how his behaviors, attitudes, and mannerisms even, remind me of his bio mom. She had drinking, drug, and alcohol problems. I practically begged JT to never drink or drug. Maybe JT was exposed in utero or maybe he has attachment disorder or both. I don't know. He is very intelligent and charismatic.</p><p></p><p>JT is not the one who stole from his father. That was someone else.</p><p></p><p>Leaving here would mean leaving our aging parents, and hubby is an only child. Plus JT lives just a few miles from them. I have a very good job that I love and would like to continue until I retire 12 yes from now. Bubby would struggle with the change of a move. I have been secretly hoping JT would take off to another state. I told my hubby last night about my fears and that maybe we need to move far away before it's too late.</p><p></p><p>You're right that Bubby doesn't and won't have great boundaries. He is high functioning. Any info about getting him services as an adult would be really helpful. He is 13 now. I think he will want to see JT and blame us if he can't when he gets older, which is another issue.</p><p></p><p>Pasajes, believe it or not, I have guilty feelings about leaving JT out of our will. I always believed in treating children equally, and I would never want to hurt my children so deeply. But maybe, in this case, knowing JT, things are different. Let's face it. This is dysfunctional.</p><p></p><p>Love the pat answers. I have to try really hard to under-react to his drama. I'm getting better. I know he just wants the power of upsetting and hurting me.</p><p></p><p>JT'S birthday is coming up. Am I obligated to send him a card and gift? I struggle with this stuff. He didn't even bother to tell us his new address. </p><p></p><p>Thanksgiving is coming up and my parents host. Of course JT is invited, but it's so hard for us to be around him. Hubby wants an exit strategy. I'm resentful that even his presence ruins the gatherings we used to enjoy so much.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Stress Bunny, post: 636803, member: 4855"] Midwest, thank you for the response. I was hoping you would reply. I know you understand what we're dealing with. We adopted JT out of foster care at age 4, after he had lived with us for 2 years. He has been this way his whole life. It's as if he never wanted or needed parents. I remember taking him for a walk down a nature trail when he was so young, and he refused to walk WITH us or even close enough to talk to him. He had to walk in front of us. I think it made him feel powerful. My hubby tried to show him how to play baseball, but JT refused to be taught anything. He wanted to make up his own rules. At the time, we just thought he was stubborn. We didn't realize that his issues would worsen over time. He has never been able to accept personal responsibility for anything wrong in his life, and he has increasingly conned and manipulated as he's grown older. The thrill he gets from the drama he creates, seems to drive him to continue this way. He doesn't care one bit how he hurts others. We tried to instill a moral compass in JT. We took good care of him, and our extended families loved him. We were strict I guess, because JT was always pushing limits. Maybe we failed him. There is nothing about him or what he is doing that honors the role his dad and I played in his life. He has rejected everything. For the first two years of his life, JT was neglected. His bio mom just didn't take good care of him physically or keep her home sanitary. He had multiple caregivers, and eventually his bio mom left town with the carnival and without her children so her rights were terminated. Now, I am just struck by how his behaviors, attitudes, and mannerisms even, remind me of his bio mom. She had drinking, drug, and alcohol problems. I practically begged JT to never drink or drug. Maybe JT was exposed in utero or maybe he has attachment disorder or both. I don't know. He is very intelligent and charismatic. JT is not the one who stole from his father. That was someone else. Leaving here would mean leaving our aging parents, and hubby is an only child. Plus JT lives just a few miles from them. I have a very good job that I love and would like to continue until I retire 12 yes from now. Bubby would struggle with the change of a move. I have been secretly hoping JT would take off to another state. I told my hubby last night about my fears and that maybe we need to move far away before it's too late. You're right that Bubby doesn't and won't have great boundaries. He is high functioning. Any info about getting him services as an adult would be really helpful. He is 13 now. I think he will want to see JT and blame us if he can't when he gets older, which is another issue. Pasajes, believe it or not, I have guilty feelings about leaving JT out of our will. I always believed in treating children equally, and I would never want to hurt my children so deeply. But maybe, in this case, knowing JT, things are different. Let's face it. This is dysfunctional. Love the pat answers. I have to try really hard to under-react to his drama. I'm getting better. I know he just wants the power of upsetting and hurting me. JT'S birthday is coming up. Am I obligated to send him a card and gift? I struggle with this stuff. He didn't even bother to tell us his new address. Thanksgiving is coming up and my parents host. Of course JT is invited, but it's so hard for us to be around him. Hubby wants an exit strategy. I'm resentful that even his presence ruins the gatherings we used to enjoy so much. [/QUOTE]
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