Proud of my daughters, disgusted with Parents

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Jody, Aug 13, 2012.

  1. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    My dad used to visit once in awhile when the girls were small. He'd show up for a Christmas and not show up for the next, come one birthday and then we just never saw him again. He's dying of Issues related to Parkinson's. I have had my over the phone goodbye's with him and I am done, It was a nice conversation and it could only be ruined and I don't want that. I haven't seen my mom in 25 years plus and my girls have never met her. My daughters decided they wanted to say hello to their grandpa before it's too late. They have never been to their house. So Saturday was the day they chose. They both looked so beautiful and were so positive their visit was going to go well. I did prepare them that I was proud of them but they may get their feelings hurt.

    We'll go figure Dad, answers the door and actually lets them in the foyer for a whole five minutes, if that long. difficult child said it was the most awkward 5 minutes of her life. easy child said it went better than she had expected, always trying to be positive and look for the best. She was hurt the most. At one, time my mother was facing the opposite direction watching tv and she said whose at the door, and my father said my girls names and she wouldn't even turn around and look at them or acknowledge them. My easy child went home and put on her running shoes and ran and prayed, and came back feeling better, my easy child who is a little more like me, was just mad as can be, she said I have no idea who that man was, that was not my grandpa. She said it really made me mad that he didn't ask about you, and how did that woman just sit there and not even address us as if we were strangers. She got home and she said Mom, I really do love you so much.

    My parents are wealthy and both girls really talked about how they would have been afraid to walk in there anyway. It is over the top crystal and vases and it looks like the same type of home I grew up in cold and distance and untouchable. We had rooms in the house we were never allowed in, ever. My Dad asked the girls if they were just in the neighborhood. He knows they don't just hangout in that type of neighborhood. They said nope we came directly to see you. Ugh,

    Wow, am I done. I mean really done. I don't know those people and am thankful that I don't. With my bi-polar and difficulties raising kids by myself, I am the most normal one of the whole bunch. It really was a blessing they disowned me. Just needed to vent a little. Thanks
  2. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Maybe I shouldn't have said I was the most normal, but I know I would never treat anyone like they do ever.
  3. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    Oh, my heart aches for your girls but it sounds like they handled it the best they could. I know what it's like to have estranged parents - what a tough situation but you should be very proud of them :)
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry Jody, that's very sad. Your parents have no idea what they are missing knowing you and your girls, it's sadly, their loss. But, I know how much that hurts, it's so difficult not to take it personally, when in reality, it speaks volumes about them not you and your girls. How very cold and unfeeling of them, it hurts my heart for you and your daughters. However, having said that, perhaps it was exactly what was necessary for the three of you to recognize the reality of who they are and how it needn't ever impact any of you again. Sometimes, as I've learned, the best decision is to walk away and stay away, and also to understand that you didn't do anything wrong, your daughter's didn't do anything wrong, you are simply choosing to hang out with those who love you, honor you and accept you. (((((HUGS)))))
  5. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Man, that is cold. I couldn't do that to a stranger, let alone 2 girls who happen to be my grandchildren! They must have sawdust in their hearts and in their veins.
    I am so sorry, and yes, you can be sure that if your parents act like that, you are more normal! I'm so angry...that is just rude. HUGS to you and your girls. Jeez.
  6. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    You did the right thing. Your girls needed to say goodbye, even if it didn't go that well.
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Jody, what an ordeal.
    I am so sorry, but so glad that it is over, your girls understand completely now, and they will be more mature because of it. A very hard lesson.
    I love the metaphor of cold crystal and untouchable emotions.
    Many hugs.
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    ((((hugs))))) Jody

    I know that was hard for your girls to see and experience, but in their hearts they'll always know they did their best to do the right thing and tell their grandpa goodbye. You've taught them that love and family is more important than anything, and they've obviously learned the lesson well. You have every reason to be proud of them.
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I don't know anything about your past, and not too much about you and your family now. That withstanding? What I do know about you, that which you have shared, and the parts that you've allowed us to be part of? I have to tell you? The mental picture I get of you from your nice, soft dog with a smile avatar to the way you write? I'm honored to have you for a friend. Despite whatever was in your history, or your parents lack of ---having overcome that lifestyle and gone on to be such a wonderful Mother and caring person with emotions, feelings, and empathy even for them? Speaks volumes about the person that you are now, and the type of Mother that you raised TWO girls to be.

    You didn't go to that house with any intention other than for your children to meet your parents. What your daughter said "That is not my Grandpa" well? There was no truer statement at that moment. He certainly was NOT her Grandpa. He was YOUR Father, and from the things I have learned in my short life (48 years today) Despite the fact that he may have been difficult, or hard or uncaring? You seem to have come to terms and are at peace with a simple knowledge that he did the best he could. Knowing that there was an opportunity to do better as a Father is what hurts us the most - often wondering WHY they didn't leaves us feeling empty for a lot of answers we may never get in our lifetime. Sometimes as hard as it is, forgiving people like your parents and moving on is the best thing we can do in OUR lives. IT's freeing, it allows us to make peace in our life, lets us move forwards and not be stuck in the place that we were stagnated from ----and grew "crooked" from. It's almost like we get a chance to grow ourselves over again and when we do - we grow the way WE want to, not the way they grew us with all their mental disorders.

    I would explain to your daughter that is hurting that her anger is her own, and she can hold it, she can process it and let it go - or she can make herself crazy looking for answers that she will never find. But the man that she met was NOT her Grandfather. Lots of kids grow up without (sadly) Grandfathers and Grandmothers - fortunately for her? She had a GREAT GREAT Mother - and TWO greats as a Mother - trumps Grand. My personal thought is that in order to be a Grand Father - you first had to be a Father - and it seems that from your perspective he wasn't that either. Since you've dealt with that hurt, I'm just wondering what if you asked your daughter if she could share in your joy of overcoming that pain and not festering in the anger of something she can't control, can't change and won't ever have to deal with? You've given her the tools to be a reamarkable young lady (both of them) - my personal thought is to just allow her to keep being that person.

    As far as you go? I think you are one of the kindest, sweetest, soft spoken women I've never met - regardless of what you grew up in - I think that from any background in todays world is nothing short of REMARKABLE.

    Hugs & Love to you dear one......don't ever change ----You are wonderful!
  10. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    I seriously just love you all and thank you from the bottom of my heart. Definately going to their house was the right thing to do, it's over now, even for me. You truly are the greatest bunch of friends I have. I have needed you all so many times in my life and you have all been there for me, without ever even seeing me. Quite and amazing group of people. I do have peace with this. No anger, no madness, no hating just glad its done, my kids really seem better too. It's like hey I wouldn't want to be a part of that anyway. They have wonderful people in their lives who love them immensly. We are all so blessed, and they have had so many grandparents in their life, they haven't missed a thing, and now for sure they know that.