Psychiatrists ponder the dangers of bitterness

[lovemysons]

Hmm, Interesting Nomad.

A few years ago when I was very actively involved with AA and Al ANON, I remember going on and on about how my husband had made my life sooooo miserable and of course the difficult child's too. I remember a man listening to me and telling me..."There are no victims, only "willing participants". It was he who helped me look at my role in my own unhappiness and "victimhood". I DID have alot to do with my circumstances...how controlling I had been, how resentful and angry, spewing this on those I loved...and how I had stayed in the marriage even when I felt victimized etc. I played a huge part in all of it.
I was also helped to stop looking at myself as such a martyr...Had a real problem with thinking I was the "good guy" who saved the day, did the right thing, came to the rescue etc while everyone else was the bad guy, again, I played a role and had to take responsibility for my part...I had made choices that no one but me had forced upon me.

Anyway, I think people who get dxd with this "disorder" might be helped with some good council and the ability to really stop and look at their own role/choices throughout their lives.

Tammy

 

[hearts and roses]

My grandmother was the ultimate martyr - I mean, she should have been nominated by the Catholic Church at some point or something. Well, my sister was her favorite.

We had some strange and dysfunctional things happen to us while growing up, but who hasn't? My sister was exposed to no more and no less than any of us. Yet, to hear her tell it, she was the only one who faced this drama and dysfunction. Heck, it was her exh who tried to rape me at one point. My feelings on it? "Well, he didn't and although no one believed me at the time, I learned to stay away from him and he eventually left anyway" End of story.

I believe that perhaps mental illness enters the picture when one cannot or will not figure out a way to cope with a situation, deal with a situation or let go of a feeling surrounding a situation but instead they cling to that situation and allow it to wreak havoc in their lives forever. My sister literally cries about things that the rest of us find hysterically hilarious! What is up with that? Perspective? Or real mental illness?

 

[DaisyFace]

Hmm--

Interesting. My mother is definitely "embittered"....but would not fit into this description of embittered as a mental illness because the trauma component is missing. She did not suffer anything that would be considered a trauma by any definition that I know--

However, she has spent a lifetime complaining about things that her mother did to her when she was growing up: making her wash dishes, setting her curfew at 2am, forbidding her from keeping more than three pets. She still complains about these events as though they just happened yesterday AND she continues to make life decisions designed to "spite" her mother.

I do feel that this is more of an obsessive-compulsive or narcissistic thing that a new disorder.

Just my two cents...

--DaisyF

 

[lovemysons]

Hey, I wonder too how much this "embitterment disorder" leads to abuse of alcohol or drugs. So often times in AA I heard the phrase, "Poor me, Pour me a drink".

hm.
Tammy

 

[Suz]

Nomad, did you post a link to the whole article somewhere? If yes, I can't find it. If no, would you please do so? I'd like to read it.

Thanks!
Suz

 

[AnnieO]

She still complains about these events as though they just happened yesterday AND she continues to make life decisions designed to "spite" her mother.

Daisy, are you SURE you're not actually my sister in law?????

mother in law does this. Everyone else has done this to HER.

It may be that those who are predisposed to mental illness and/or should have a diagnosis get sucked further into bitterness...

Oh yeah. mother in law is a licensed counselor.

 

[Fran]

roflmbo Stepto2n about the m i l being a counselor. It's the "do as I say and not as I do".

 

[Marcie Mac]

Suz, here is the link to the full article:
http://www.oregonlive.com/newsflash/index.ssf?/base/national-6/1242774947144480.xml&storylist=national

I don't know if I would qualify the ability to be bitter as a stand alone mental health diagnosis. Maybe a part of a personality disorder maybe. An offshoot of Obsessive Compulsive disorder??

I think people that have a lot of bitterness like and crave the attention they get initially with the Oh poor......, isn't that terrible what......did to her/him, or what happened to her/him because of....... And when people realize its an unending playing of that particular song, even more bitterness developes because no one "understands" or is sympathetic anymore, and that gives more fuel to the fire.

I do know, though, that now that my mother has no one to complain about (cept my sister in law whose turn it is in the barrel nowdays), she has pretty much, according to my aunt, turned into a full fledged hypochondriac. Her life isn't complete without something being wrong..

Marcie

 

[witzend]

Personality Disorder sounds more on target. Obsessive Compulsive or Disordered thinking, maybe? I think anyone can get caught up in being bitter. Mental illness seems to be a bit of a stretch.

 

[DaisyFace]

Daisy, are you SURE you're not actually my sister in law?????

I don't think so.....

but I'd be happy to count you as an "honorary" sister-in-law. Welcome to the family!

--DaisyF

 

[Star*]

Nomad,

This is a very interesting article. I'm sure that most of us if we thought hard enough could find someone to fit this description. For me it would be my x inlaws.

What I think would be interesting in this case would be to take a group of people who have this disorder and find out how many of them could have or would have benfited from therapy and how many of them NOW are self-medicating and perpetuated this behavior to their own children.

It reminds me of that movie with Jenifer Lopez and Jane Fonda - Mother in Law.....at the very end JF's mother in law comes in and just perpetuates the ugliness in her life at JF. Then JL says the wedding is off because this behavior IS being perpetuated with them. I thought that was the best line in that movie - to tell her - NOPE I'm not going to marry your son only to have a lifetime of bitter words with you.

Had I known my own xmil was like that and been maybe a tad more mature - I never EVER would have married my x. Her martyrdom was death to so many dreams and cures because her children fashioned their lives to be similar to hers. Just sad.