I might as well be back in the year 2000 again as far as the situation with K is concerned. Only difference is that she's married to her husband and has 2 more kids. And I swear to you, that is exactly what it feels like. It's like someone just flipped a switch and wham, rewound 9 years. I knew this was possible when I made contact with K. I walked right into it anyway with eyes wide open. Determined to reunite the family anyway. No shades over my eyes. No lying to myself. I haven't updated on K much because I've been attempting from what she tells me and her sibs and from what I see to "objectively" judge the situation. And the conclusions I was drawing up weren't all peachy keen. Not horrible either. But still. K has grown up tons. That I have no doubt and I can tell thru our conversations. She is a good Mom. Also no doubt there. Don't doubt the diagnosis either. So? Why the PTSD?? Over the last several months I've come to doubt some of the picture K originally painted. I don't think they were outright lies, but a bit of exaggeration perhaps. I doubt her husband was a restaurant manager. Now I'll be first to admit I may be dead wrong. But K admitted to me again tonight that he reads only at a basic elementary level. Surely he would have difficulty managing a restaurant. I think this was an attempt to get me to like the guy. It came out they were living in that motel longer than she'd said. Could be just trimming the truth to make it look better. Not really a biggy. But I also know this is exactly the hand to mouth existence they had before she came to live with us in 2000. So to me......it indicates that their lifestyle didn't improve any over the years. Not hugely surprising as her husband didn't finish hs, has no skills, can't read well, and I strongly suspect developmentally delayed. (otherwise he really worries me) And K has not been able to work due to the illness in many years. The position of dishwasher doesn't pay well. It adds up. Do I think K is sincere when she says she doesn't want money? Yeah. I do. Ok. So maybe she's lying to herself.......but I do think she means it. She'd not be human to at least be secretly hoping I could send some cash to help them out of the bind their in. I know cuz I've been there done that and although I'd die before asking my Mom for a dime.....I've had the same thoughts. So while I'm not planning on giving her what I don't have......Yeah. I can understand. Now, due to the prognosis of her illness, she's been more open about her husband...and he's been a little more forward in communication. (it's not his strong suit by a long shot) I've been determined to keep an open mind. But I'd be lying if I didn't tell you I'm worried by what I see. I'm seeing behavior totally inapproprate for someone who is 40. I dismissed the sexual overture of his email addy. (hoping he'd had it for ages) I did my best to excuse what was on his MySpace page. But K wanted to send a video of the kids and did a test one with her husband. And I'm sorry.......It's been almost 7 yrs since I saw this guy. But I could barely understand him, but what I did understand I wished I hadn't. What 40 yr old man says to his mother in law " I'm the number one Pimp Daddy across the nation". That one ceased Nichole from defending him. She didn't know what to say. He was wearing a bandana......and I dunno.....came across as the stereotypical poor white trash image to the hilt. And I'm thinking what 40 yr old guy acts like that?? Yeah. I am soooooooo hoping he was kidding. I think somehow K managed to find a difficult child out there who makes her Dad look wonderful. And that folks, scares the h*ll out of me. I know in the past her husband went thru jobs like tissue. He's lost 2 since we've been back in contact since last summer. Maybe it's the economy. Or maybe it's like my husband and he will never change. My money is on the latter. And with K unable to work.........there situation is not going to improve. Yep. I'm in full blown PTSD mode. I. Do. Not. Want. Them. Here. Actually the second I read her email.........I knew with utter certainty I can never do that again. My heart plunged and the world went dark for awhile. And remember when I said I'd take the kids before they went to foster care......Well, now I dunno. My health isn't great. We couldn't afford it right now. There is no where to put them. And quite frankly the thought of rasing 2 more difficult children scares the living h*ll outta me. Kayla is fine. But both boys are difficult child, and while Alex steals my heart regularly.....Evan is adorable but a wild man. I honestly don't think I'm up to it. I'm sad for K. Because of bad choices she made all those years ago she is stuck. I can't/won't help except support. I know she deeply regrets walking away from the opportunities she had here. But life doesn't always give 2nd chances. I'm worried because my grands will once again be living on the street. And yet I tell myself that somehow they survived for 6 yrs without our help. Maybe it was h*ll for them.....it probably was......but still they did it. I am stressed beyond my limit. Every muscle in my body hurts tonight and it's not due to the virus I have. I just turned in the worst term paper I've ever written and it was a few mins late so Mr. Anal most likely won't even accept it. Not sure if I'm glad or sad cuz that would spare me the embarrassment of him actually reading it. I'm going to flunk a mid term tomorrow. And I still haven't even started the math homework. Oh......and to top it off, one of Nichole's incisions are infected. Swollen and hard. I need someone to swoop in and rescue me for a change.