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Parent Emeritus
Put the detachment in motion - and the gaslighting begins.
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<blockquote data-quote="Kalahou" data-source="post: 699420" data-attributes="member: 19617"><p>Hello Mcdonna,</p><p>You have made a first important start and impact. Stick with it this time. The email from your daughter does not require a response immediately or even at all. Wait several days or weeks. Take one day at a time and the months take care of themselves. I often remind myself to "<em>Slow ... way ... down</em>."</p><p></p><p>Not a good idea, in my opinion, to respond with this detail. She already knows this is how you feel. Let this part of you go ... Let go of this part of you that wants to keep holding on with your own opinions, questions, implications, etc. It just fuels her fire and gives her more ammunition. I would not respond back to her with any comments to engage further petty dialogue. It will do no good. This will continue your engagement / not your start at detaching. Your loving detachment (by the way, detachment is a <em><u>loving</u></em> thing to do!) is not abandonment. It is giving the other person and yourself the personal freedom for their own lives.</p><p></p><p>If you do feel an urgent need to respond to acknowledge your daughter’s email, wait several days, and then limit it to briefly state a one sentence affirmation, such as the following ideas bulleted below, which will not only send her a message of your new resolve, but reinforce your own new mind-set and commitment that you are detaching and are setting her free to spread her own wings.</p><p></p><p>I’ve found these very short standard canned response phrases can help. If you absolutely have to respond, it will be sufficient for a short acknowledgement and a verification of your new strong stand. Just send a one sentence reply, such as:</p><ul> <li data-xf-list-type="ul"><em>I’m sure you will work it out, and figure out a plan for your life.</em></li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul"><em>I'm sure you'll find a way to get work and take care of your life. I've got to run - take care!</em></li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul"><em>You're a lovely, smart, capable girl; I'm sure you'll figure something out. I’ll keep you in thoughts and prayers. Take care. </em></li> </ul><p>You are not alone. We support you. Stay strong. It is not easy, but gets easier as you keep your stand and see the results. You know you and your daughter cannot continue in the same way any longer. </p><p>This is a new beginning. A new day ... <em>Ka la hou</em></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Kalahou, post: 699420, member: 19617"] Hello Mcdonna, You have made a first important start and impact. Stick with it this time. The email from your daughter does not require a response immediately or even at all. Wait several days or weeks. Take one day at a time and the months take care of themselves. I often remind myself to "[I]Slow ... way ... down[/I]." Not a good idea, in my opinion, to respond with this detail. She already knows this is how you feel. Let this part of you go ... Let go of this part of you that wants to keep holding on with your own opinions, questions, implications, etc. It just fuels her fire and gives her more ammunition. I would not respond back to her with any comments to engage further petty dialogue. It will do no good. This will continue your engagement / not your start at detaching. Your loving detachment (by the way, detachment is a [I][U]loving[/U][/I] thing to do!) is not abandonment. It is giving the other person and yourself the personal freedom for their own lives. If you do feel an urgent need to respond to acknowledge your daughter’s email, wait several days, and then limit it to briefly state a one sentence affirmation, such as the following ideas bulleted below, which will not only send her a message of your new resolve, but reinforce your own new mind-set and commitment that you are detaching and are setting her free to spread her own wings. I’ve found these very short standard canned response phrases can help. If you absolutely have to respond, it will be sufficient for a short acknowledgement and a verification of your new strong stand. Just send a one sentence reply, such as: [LIST] [*][I]I’m sure you will work it out, and figure out a plan for your life.[/I] [*][I]I'm sure you'll find a way to get work and take care of your life. I've got to run - take care![/I] [*][I]You're a lovely, smart, capable girl; I'm sure you'll figure something out. I’ll keep you in thoughts and prayers. Take care. [/I] [/LIST] You are not alone. We support you. Stay strong. It is not easy, but gets easier as you keep your stand and see the results. You know you and your daughter cannot continue in the same way any longer. This is a new beginning. A new day ... [I]Ka la hou[/I] [/QUOTE]
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Put the detachment in motion - and the gaslighting begins.
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