Putting 12 yo difficult child into Hospital

[graceupongrace]

WSM,

No advice, just (((hugs))) for you. I haven't had to deal with anything quite so extreme, but it sounds very hard. Life with a difficult child is always a roller coaster, and you're on one of the steeper, faster parts right now. No wonder your emotions are all churning (your stomach and head too, I'm sure)! But this will give your difficult child a chance to get some additional help, and it will give you and the rest of the family a chance to breathe and regroup. Wishing you a calm heart and a peaceful day.

 

[CrazyinVA]

As far as telling the school, you might start by talking to his guidance counselor... that was usually who I called first when my Youngest was hospitalized (as well as her IEP case manager). No need to broadcast the details to everyone, and guidance counselors/Special Education teachers tend to be more sensitive to issues such as these.

Hugs to you.

 

[busywend]

Has he ever been tested for seizures? That blank look can be a seizure occuring.

 

[jcox]

My son Elijah who will be seven in July has been suffering from rages from his Bipolar and other diagnoses uncontrollably since he was three years old. He was on a few different medication regimines, but this past February we made the decision to place him inpatient in a child psychiatric unit for the first time. It was not really up to us where he went, because in my state the process is go to the ER, get a psychiatric evaluation by crisis services, then they call the places our insurance allows and find out who had a bed. I carried around a list of places that took medicaid in my purse with me labeled from 1-7. They found him a bed at #6 which was almost 2 hours away from here.

That was the hardest decision I ever made in my life, but it was also the best thing I ever could have done for him. At first my heart felt like it was litteraly breaking, I had chest pains, and my stomach felt sick. He had never been long without me, had severe anxiety, hates change, and I had many worries. I worried if he would be sad without me? would they help him bathe, get dressed, etc? Would they comfort him when he was sad? Would he ever forgive us for leaving him there? Would he hold a grudge against us? Would he shut down more and not want us when he came home? Would they take good care of him? I remember all those worries and more running through my head.

He was in the hospital for 15 days. He came home March 3rd. This is the first time in his life he has ever been truly happy. In the hospital they were able to change his medications with the benefit of watching over him 24/7. They could watch for side effects, make quicker changes, watch his behaviors, etc. He is finally stable now for the first time in his life. He still has behavioral issues of course which is expected with his diagnoses, but has not had a big rage since coming home, or touched innapropriatly which he did. He was a little scared the first few days, had anxiety, refused to eat... but after a few days he began participating in the groups where he learned some skills he still uses, excercises he still does, and developed relationships with some people there he still talks about. They did take good care of him. He began doing some things for himself that he did not do at home as well with his self care. He matured during his hospitalization too. He was not mad at us when he came home and was happy. He is like a totally different child. When I look back to the suicidal thoughts he was having last summer and in the past I now know that I should have got him admitted then, but my heart would not let me. If he ever needs to go again I will not hesitate on sending him as I did in the past because I know that he can be a sick little boy and reallly needs more help sometimes than we can give him. In the hospital because they were watching him all the time they also gave him his new diagnosis of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). They were able to teach me a few things about the diagnosis to make our lives a little easier as well.

I have a blog that I created where you can read about my son's hospitalization day by day in a journal I posted there. That might help reassure you. Send me a private message if you want to read it and I will send you an invite to it.

Elijah did charm the nurses and psychiatrists, but by about the forth day he began to show his true colors as well and began showing them some of his behavioral issues. We have not really thought about residential placements for Elijah yet, but my stepson has been in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) since last October and in DCF care voluntarily since last May. That is the only way we believe that we could have gotten him into the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) was getting help through DCF.

I don't think that raising a special needs child is what any of us ever dream of as parents. Have you ever read "Welcome to Holland"? It is an excellent poem about our expectations of parenting and the reality that is sometimes overlooked. Here is a link to that poem: http://www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html

Why do they release the kids so quickly? It usually comes down to insurance reasons.

I know the day will come when Elijah needs his next hospitalization, but for now we are rejoicing in the sunshine that came from his first one. Another thing... I don't want to sound like a bad parent for saying this, but after dealing with 1-4 hour rages several times a day for the past four years it was actually nice to have some time to recoup, think, and get some much needed rest. Of course that was after my initial few days of being extremely heartbroken. Then I realized that my son was safe. He was okay. I needed those weeks I got while he was away to recoup from all the physical, emotional, and mental termoil he put me through with his daily rages that often resulted in assaulting me. I did not have to worry about him every second. I did not have to worry about what he would do to me next. I did not have to worry about if he would be successful in hurting himself badly next time.

I know how hard this must be for you, but sadly I understand. Sometimes our children, especially those with BiPolar (BP), need hospitalizations like children with cancer and other seeable illnesses do. Somebody once said to me "If your son had cancer would you let him have Chemo"? I said "Of Course".

If you need to talk more feel free to email or private message me. You will be in my thoughts and heart.

Janice

 

[recovering doormat]

wow. a lot of your story coincides with mine, except I was married to my son's father at the time (divorced after 19 yrs of marriage).

We cried so hard the first time we had him hospitalized at age 9 (four days before Christmas) but we were at the point that we couldn't help him at home anymore. Our boy suffered from severe anxiety and ODD to the point where he wouldnt' go to school anymore and was threatening me with sharp objects and punching and kicking me. The admittng doctor at this psychiatric hospital told us that children his age weren't usually traumatized by being admitted to the hospital, and indeed, once he got used to it he loved the structure; the only problem was, as you've found out, managed care makes it impossible for a person to really be helped by their first hospitalization: it usually takes several, because of the short stays.

I would call the hospital and ask to speak to your stepson's inpatient therapist and psychiatrist: the therapist to tell him what you know of his behavior at home, that his dad might not know about or might not want to have mentioned, and the MD to ask if Lexapro is the right medication for him. From my past experience with two difficult child's, nailing down the right medications is very time consuming and tricky. You have to be sure the child is actually ingesting the medications. I used to keep a diary of my son's moods and behavior to see how the medications were affecting him. His psychiatrists thought it was a very helpful tool.

I am sorry about the hard feelings between you and husband. It's very good that you are both seeing a marriage counselor. My ex didn't beleive in therapy, he thought it was a luxury for me like getting my nails done, and thought that he knew best about everything. I tried to do marital therapy by myself and it didn't work.

You're goingto have to tune out the gossip and chatter going on about you and your kids amongst their teachers and other parents. We can't control what other people say about us, and I believe that the Great American Pastime isn't baseball, it's criticizing other people's parenting skills. Everybody does it. We got so much help from our son's elementary and middle school principals, social workers and guidance counselors, I can't imagine what we would have done without them. Besides, they have to know because if the child spends a certain number of days inpatient they ahve to have contact with the school district to make sure they don't fall behind.

You certainly have your hands full. It's good that you are expressive and eloquent and can get this turmoil off your chest and into a forum of like-minded people. Everyone here can relate to some aspect of your struggle.

I found that doing my Lamaze deep breathing helped me when I felt like I was going to explode from anger and frustration.

 

[maril]

I think recoveringdoormat adds excellent advice and gives good insight; she also made an interesting and good point about use of Lamaze techniques.

Of course, as we all know, hindsight is 20/20.

 

[susiestar]

The Lamaze breathing is an EXCELLENT tool. I even taught it to my daughter to help her control some physical problems that are painful.

It is tough to hospitalize your child. Just realizing you can't "fix" what is "broken" in your child, that infant you adored, that toddler you delighted in, is so very painful. And it is even tougher to admit to others, even your spouse.

Kids do generally thrive in the phosps. And it may take YOU filing police reports for anything of yours he breaks or damages, to help your husband see the problems.

If difficult child is in ANY way hurting other children you MUST report this to Child Protection. If it is later learned that you did not come up with a good safety plan AND report him you could lose custody of the OTHER CHILDREN!! They will not take the difficult child who is doing the abusing. They take the other children. AND they can charge you with neglect or endangering a child or other things.

YOU. Not husband. It will be YOU included in those charges. Not just husband as difficult child's father.

I hope that at some point your husband can work with you to handle this. That he can stop controlling the information and let the experts really "see" the problems.

Gentle Hugs.

ps. I truly do NOT mean to be a "doomsday predictor". The Child Protection stuff almost happened to us. They said they would leave Wiz and take my younger 2 kids who Wiz was terrorizing and abusing. I couldn't believe it, but it was what happened to us. we had to actually put alarms on the doors so difficult child couldn't get to the kids with-o us knowing. And Jess had to wear an alarm around her neck anytime she was at home. To alert us if difficult child tried to hurt her and we were in another room. It was VERY traumatizing. So don't wait for someone else to report it to CPS. It really goes better if YOU report it.

 

[recovering doormat]

I need to add that Susiestar is spot on about CPS (or DCF in my state) going after parents when one child in the household is so aggressive that they physically harm or threaten to harm another child; they don't give a rat's patootie that you are otherwise a good, conscientious parent. I know of which I speak.

Two years ago I left difficult child 2 alone in house with easy child (he was 14, she was 11) for ten minutes while I went to the store to get milk for the next day's breakfast. Ex-husband was on his way to my house to pick up difficult child 2, who resided with my ex, after difficult child 2 refused to get into the car and return to dad's (a common occurance at the time, particularly on Sunday nights).
I was steaming over difficult child 2 attempting to manipulate me and hold me hostage with his passive-aggressive dawdling, hiding in the house, running away, whenever we had to go someplace. So I made an executive decision to leave and let him stew about it until dad got there or I got back.

Well, that decision cost me. He grabbed easy child by the throat, threatened her with a pair of scissors, refused to let her use the phone or get away from him and open the door when their dad showed up (he was in the driveway waiitng for son to come out while all this was going on). I get home, see dad in the driveway, and unlock the front door to see easy child come flying into my arms sobbing hysterically about her brother...next day difficult child 2 refuses togo to school. Being proactive, I call the guidance counselor and tell him that my son is refusing to go to school and that he went to dad's office for the day (our typical arrangement if he was being oppositional and refusing to do wahtever). guidance counselor is concerned about son and gets in car and drives across town to see how son is, and finds him sleeping in the back seat of dad's pickup in the parking lot of his CPA office. It's March and cold, but son has a blanket and pillow.

The guidance counselor is horrified to see difficult child 2 sleeping in a truck when he should be at school. He hears more of the story about him threatening his younger sister and he and school SW decide to call DCF (CPS) Emergency number, and we are under investigation. They did find fault with me (one count of neglect for leaving the two children alone for one incident) but it didn't rise to any criminal charges, thank God. That was in March 2007, and DCF just closed their case in March 2009. That's right, for two straight years I had to have my parentign put under a microscope by a state agency with the power to remove my 12 yr old from my home and put her in foster care with strangers (can't go to dad's house, son is there). It was so stressful.

The social worker was a delight, but having to deal with another layer of bureaucracy, and worse, having the social worker's bosses, who carry tremendous power, basically tell exDH and I that they could not give us the tools we needed to help our child, but that we would still be judged and held accountable if our entire family did not meet some arbitrary standard of "stability" that only they are privy to, was an Orwellian nightmare I wouldn't wish on anyone.

So if nothing else but the threat of law moves your husband, let him know that if your difficult child stepson physically harms or merely threatens his sister, you can bank on another government agency getting into your business and becoming part of your life for a long time to come.

 

[WSM]

Yesterday we went to the 'family counseling' session. It wasn't so bad, but ultimately they aren't going to help us.

They are going to release him to us probably on Monday (tomorrow). They talked about his issues, think he has bipolar, said he adjusted very well to the hospital and hasn't been a problem (altho he apparently did have to go to the 'quiet room' on Wednesday). They think he lied only about 60% of the time in his therapy sessions which is good and they don't see too much (relative to other patients) negative behavior. She wondered what the event that brought him to the hospital was, and recognized that his prognosis was not good and that he'd be well served in a residential facility which he apparently was asking questions about.

When we talked she was surprised at what we said and concerned and when she signed us out told the nurse at the desk that our session opened up a can of worms for the psychiatrist.

difficult child was brought in and she talked to him. He focused on he threw away our stuff and his stuff because he was jealous other people had things but he didn't. She explored the logic of him throwing away his own DS and then throwing away his sister's DS because he didn't have one. He threw away other people's stuff because he was jealous but had no answer as to why he threw away his stuff (the therapist later said it was likely his attempt to throw awa his anger).

He wanted to have new stuff bought for him so he's not jealous of what other people have and throws it away, and suggested we guard it from him so he doesn't throw his own stuff away. That was vetoed.

He said on a scale of 1-10, 10 being happiest, he was only a 2 at home, but he did want to leave the hospital and come home. He was going to be successful because he was going to apply his coping skills and the problems would stop. The therapist asked him are you only telling me what you think I want to hear and he said no. The therapist doesn't believe him. She took him back to his room.

She thinks he will be hospitalized again and again. Their residential program is for mood disorders plus addiction problems. She suggested contacting DCF and the judge to get him admitted to a residential. She thought he'd do well there. When signing out we said we had 90 days of insurance and the staff seemed interested and said they'd ask the psychiatrist for recommendations.

The therapist says they would recommend residential to DCF if his regular therapist and psychiatrist who know him better recommend that. We are to standby on Monday in case he's released--we'll get a couple hours notice.

So that's it, all's well, they've done all they can do for him, he needs another program, good luck finding one, he's at a crossroads, he needs to make different decisions right now, he's on thin ice, but probably she'll never see him again and good luck.

husband seems interested in residential, but also interested at trying him at home again, but also acknowledges that there will be no difference. I said on the ride home, "I probably shouldn't tell you this, but I was sitting at a 3/4 angle to him and there was one point, well...his face--"

And husband said, "I saw it too." I'm not sure what husband saw but I saw a criminal, sullen and older than a 12 year old.

We were glum on the ride home, and decided to stop off at Tijuana Taxi Company for mango marguritas and a mexican dinner. That cheered us up and we spent the rest of the day lying on the couch watching tv.

I hope Tuesday husband calls DCF and the judicial assistant to difficult child's judge and pushes for residential treatment. But if he doesn't, he will at the next incident.

So we are no better off than we were, except maybe husband and I can have a nice day today with-o difficult child and with-o bickering (he did apologize for losing control the other night).

 

[recovering doormat]

So sorry to read about the constant ups and downs in your house. It is exhausting. I think it's good that you and husband both saw the look on your son's face in the counseling. There is something wrong and it's not going to get solved in a five day stay. I think if you can access the insurance for a longer stay that would be best, to have him some place long enough for the staff to get to know him. When our difficult child 2 was hospitalized the first time,for seven days, his psychologist did not want to release him to us, said it was too soon and that she didn't feel she got to know the real child, that he was just parroting back to her stuff she wanted to hear. The other children tell newcomers what to say and do to get "sprung" earlier, I swear to God, it's like a real prison in that regard.

If you want to PM me I can give you the name of an excellent facility in Eastern PA that has a six week diagnostic program that will nail down what is going on with your kid, and give you a "recipe" to help him.

 

[WSM]

So difficult child calls husband tonight from the psychiatric hospital. They talk about 10 minutes, in that time difficult child says he doesn't want to come home. husband said, tell the nurse that, tell the psychiatrist that.

husband is so sad. I tried to reassure him. One of the things the therapist said is that difficult child is trying to throw out his problems by throwing out objects like his shoes and uniforms and toys and everyone else's things. He attaches his anger or anxiety or jealousy to an object and then tosses it or hides it and it reduces his negative feelings. FOr a time. THen he has to do it again.

So I told my husband that if he 'throws out' you, the person he's attached most of his anger and negative feelings for and me the one he so resents, and his sister of whom he is so jealous, he's doing the same thing, thinking he can solve his problems.

WHen his problems aren't solved, given a few months, he'll want to come back, he'll want to reestablish a relationship.

husband appreciated hearing it, 'it's not you, it's just an immature solution he's trying before facing his real problems, it's not you, it's not really you, it's not you at all,' but he says of course, it still doesn't feel good to hear his son doesn't want to come home.

So we'll see what happens.

How many people like phosps better than home? (maybe also he feels at home there, like he doesn't have to pretend so hard to be normal, and knows he belongs there?)

PS...he's not having any side effects from the depakote, not even sluggishness or tireness. He feels great on it. He's been on since 5/21.

 

[CrazyinVA]

When my youngest was hospitalized mutiple times over a one year period, at one point the psychiatrist said that it had become a "safe" place for her, and she didn't really mind going back (even though she might have told me differently at the time). It's not uncommon at all. Unfortunately, it may take several short psychiatric hospital stays before your difficult child ends up in residential, that's just the way it happens sometimes. For me, that's part of what it took to convince the funding agency (DSS for us) that Residential Treatment Center (RTC) was needed.

Hang in there..

 

[smallworld]

He may just be saying it to get back at husband for admitting him to the psychiatric hospital in the first place. I personally wouldn't attach too much significance to what he's saying right now. He's not very stable.

by the way, Depakote kicks in about 2 to 3 weeks, but doesn't reach full efficacy until 5 to 8 weeks. He's also on a relatively low dose that may not cause significant side effects.

 

[BusynMember]

He may feel better in there--more controlled--and be afraid to come home. He hasn't had much success there and there is no way you can keep him safe the way a hospital can. I was once in a hospital for ten weeks, back when insurance would cover you until you actually got better. I was terrified to leave. Once I left, I didn't feel right either. I wasn't completely stable yet (not even after ten weeks ). I don't know that son is rejecting husband at all. And I'm not sure I"d buy that DS is throwing out his problems when he throws things out. It's a theory--there is no proof. I hate to be leery of therapists, but I had so many and some of them said things to me that made no sense at all and were not right. He may have no idea why he is throwing things away and there may be no psychological reason for it. It just may be a compulsion of his. Sorry that I'm so jaded
Maybe this child realizes he needs to be in a controlled enviroment or that his behavior will be out of his hands. I don't think this child has the capacity to reign himself in and I think the child realizes this and needs round-the-clock care. I hope he can get into an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) soon. Good luck.

 

[TerryJ2]

the Great American Pastime isn't baseball, it's criticizing other people's parenting skills.

I agree!

WSM, I am sorry that the hospital isn't able to do too much more for your son, but I think it's interesting the soc wkr thinks he's "only" lying about 60% of the time.
You were worried that they wouldn't be able to see through anything so at least there's been some progress.
If he has to be hospitalized again and again, so be it. It will at least give you respite while you find a more permanent facility.
When your difficult child gets home, be sure to reiterate that you are trying to give him tools for living and thinking, and that he was not "put" in the hospital for being "bad."
Sigh.
What do the other kids think about the hospitalization?
Many hugs.

 

[gcvmom]

One of the things the therapist said is that difficult child is trying to throw out his problems by throwing out objects like his shoes and uniforms and toys and everyone else's things. He attaches his anger or anxiety or jealousy to an object and then tosses it or hides it and it reduces his negative feelings. FOr a time. THen he has to do it again.

What concerns me about this is the possibility of an escalation of this type of attempt at control to a more violent form of "throwing" something out or ridding himself of the objectified person he's angry at. Does that make sense? I hate to say it, but it reminds me of how some serial criminals think.

I'm GLAD a can of worms has been opened for the psychiatrist. difficult child IS a walking can of worms, and a 5 day stay in the psychiatric hospital is not going to straighten things out -- I know you know that. But at least maybe they'll see that this is a very serious and complex situation.

Enjoy what little bit of respite you have this weekend. I hope they decide to hold him there longer. He needs it. YOU need it.

(((((HUGS)))))

 

[maril]

I do understand your disappointment and concern and realize you and your family have a lot to face in the days to come; but I do hear positives and see there is hope for getting further help in a long-term facility (hopefully, sooner than later) for your DS. Hang in there. Hugs to you.