Jena, the best way to cope, to juggle all this - you HAVE to be able to detach, at least from moment to moment. Of course you love your kids and you're deeply emotionally connected to them. But when you're trying to get all your ducks in a row, you have to detach and become an organiser. Think/act like a Girl Friday secretary, the sort of super organiser who gets things done effectively. Make lists, Keep a diary with you with all contact details, phone numbers, appointments, insurance numbers, social security numbers, anything you might remotely need. Keep other files on computer - a diary of how each child is going, a daily note of whether today was good or bad, and why/ One line only in most days, followed by a score of 1 to 10. List medications taken, list any other important happenings. But try to not have it too complex except unless something special happens. Get into the habit of doing this, and try to keep your emotions out of the reporting, however you happen to feel. If you need to record yur emotional reaction, keep your own diary for yourself. Dump your feelings into that, it's good therapy. But keep it out of the kids' appointments.
I actually had the same doctor for all three kids (not easy child). We would book triple appointments and deal with each kid in turn. I'd have my notes, take in school reports etc. I seemed to have my own portable filing cabinet. Colour-coding manila folders (or those coloured plastic envelopes, document carriers, are really good) will really help you keep each girl's notes, reports and prescriptions organised. Although I transfer prescriptions to my diary, I take that to the pharmacy and fill the prescriptions there. We also file our insurance claims at the pharmacy (usually while I wit for the medications to be dispensed) among other places. So all receipts go into the diary too.
When talking to the doctor about each child, you open each folder, just as if you are the doctor with the case file. If he raises his eyebrows, explain that your life is complicated enough, and this helps you keep things in order and also ensures the best possible compliance of his instructions.
Any doctor who asks you for your opinion - it's OK for you to give it. But make sure the doctor owns any choices that are made. I went through this with a real weirdo of a pediatrician with difficult child 1. The guy was a Froot Loop, well and truly. He began to get more interested in me as his psychiatric patient (even though he was not a psychiatrist, and not even a doctor for adults) and had admitted that he found my calm demeanour "a concern" because he felt I was a cold fish. He would try to goad me into a reaction, but I recognised his type - if I had reacted in anger, he would have probably tried to say I was unstable. So I would stay outwardly calm and detached even while I seethed inside. I put it all down in writing later, including finally writing him a letter in which I pointed out his shortcomings.
We finally parted ways when he was trying to muck around with difficult child 1's medications, purely to make me angry. I asked him what we should do about difficult child 1's medications, since it didn't seem enough. The doctor said, "Well, we could double the dose. Or halve it. Or leave it the same. What do you think?"
I just said, "I am not the doctor, you are. I asked you because you have the medical training. I don't. I personally think the dose should be increased, to see if it can help."
The doctor immediately chose to leave the medication dosage the same. That (plus other stuff) told me he had been playing with me (he was being a jerk) so it was the last time we saw him for difficult child 1. However, before we left I made it clear, "So you have decided to continue difficult child 1's current medication dosage?"
Through it all, even in my letter, I stayed detached and unemotional when dealing with the doctors.
Never underestimate the importance of your role in your child's medical treatment. You dispense the medications. You provide daily observations (the doctor can't be there) and you report back on outcomes. So keep doing this, but be as professional as you can be. You're not there to make polite conversation, you're not there to talk about the weather. You're there to talk about your child's specific needs within that doctor's modality. Tell the doctor everything relevant but don't add anything more. In other words - avoid small talk, unless it is about things that are relevant. Even the best doctor that you get on with brilliantly, can be distracted by small talk. Over the years I've had a few good friends among my doctors and we had to make a clear demarcation between our communication during appointments, and communication at other times. The subject of my health was always off limits if/when we met socially or professionally (at seminars, etc). During appointments we could briefly talk about other matters but only if it was relevant to my treatment. For example, if I was likely to be fit enough to attend an upcoming conference where the doctor was a speaker. \If we met at that conference, I would refuse to be drawn on the subject of "How are you?" but would instead reply with, "How are you?" ducking out of the answer. Then discuss the content of a speech, or some other conference-related topic.
You need to recognise your own professional qualifications for what you do, and value yourself for it.
Then you also have to try to give yourself time off from your professional duties. Not easy, given what you describe. Detaching helps here, too.
Marg
