Question about pushing a bird out of the nest

[DammitJanet]

As many of you realize my oldest is still living at home. I am not happy about that. Over the years I have wanted to push him harder to get out but Tony has always felt he was the most "disabled" of our bunch. Exactly why I dont quite understand. I think he feels somewhat guilty that we didnt pick up on Billy's disabilities earlier and get him help. Well water under the bridge now.

We tried desperately and Billy has gone to community college twice and has one AA degree in computer networking and a certificate in HVAC. That one was a waste of time. It appears they both were actually except he can say he has an associates degree.

He has now worked at Radio Shack for 5 years now. He is 31, almost 32. He has got to move out of my house. At this point all he is doing is paying $150 a month towards the electric bill and thats it. He barely helps out at the house because he is either at work or if he has a few days off he goes down to see his girlfriend. Now that he had the car accident, he uses that as an excuse as a reason he cant help out. He is hurting. Oh please.

From what his lawyer is saying he is going to get a nice tidy little sum of money out of this accident. Now Im not talking tens of thousands but he is probably going to get around 5K or so and that is after the lawyer is paid and after he gets his car. This doesnt have anything to do with the car money. That is separate. I want to tell him he has to take that 5k and get him a place to live. He needs to get a rental. Problem is he thinks people should only buy. BS. He doesnt have a job that supports buying. I know that if we tell him this he is going to freak. He will have his car payment, car insurance, a couple of credit card payments, and then rent plus his food. And trust me he eats. In reality his payment on the electric bill is far outweighed by what we end up spending just on take out food alone for him every month not to mention the extra food we buy in groceries. We buy take out once a week from a chinese restaurant and we get him a plate every week. If we got anywhere else we always bring him home something. He has decided he is allergic to cheese now so we have to alter some of our meals to suit his new diet. We have finally given this one up and just told him when we are having cheese so he can get himself something on the way home.

His plans for the money were to pay off some of his credit cards but I think he needs to move out of here. He just cant keep living here. He should also be getting his taxes back around the same time I think.

Oh gosh I hope I can do this and he can go somewhere. I just dont know where he will go really.

 

[DDD]

Truthfully he sounds like the only one you can rely on in your household. Personally I rather see him as your rather inept protector..albeit your protector. You've said a number of times that you all have a number of acres. What about Billy getting his own single wide and setting up on your property but out of view? Sounds like a win/win. Maybe? DDD

 

[1905]

Your title says it. You need to push him out. It wasn't that long ago that he didn't even drive. Now, I'm sure he can't imagine not driving. Kick him out, be mean.....he can rent, oh well. You and I both know it will be so wonderful for him, he will thank you later. Just like Corey thanked you for taking him to court. It will give him self-confidence. He really needs to be kicked out because he is very comfortable there, maybe he's scared. It will be okay. He will be great.

He may even decide he's too good for Radio Shack (which he is).

 

[Hound dog]

I'd either set him up with a used trailer in good condition on the property somewhere..............or just shove (push is often too gentle) him out of the nest by handing him a move out date and standing firm. Personally, I think he'd do just fine in his own place and there is just no reason for him to still be at home. Except that he has more spending money and his life is cushier that way.

Letting Billy remain dependent is not helping him, it's hurting him. So, you and tony are not going to live forever, what happens to Billy then? A rude awakening to the adult world at the age of like 50 or so? And Tony expects him to be able to cope with it at that point? Uh, no. Not fair to Billy. (even if Billy doesn't "get it" as to why moving out is necessary) And most certainly not fair to you guys.

 

[InsaneCdn]

You usually get more results from a carrot than from a stick...
So - I like Lisa's idea of a used trailer on your property.
Let HIM buy it... but you won't charge him land-rent.
He can save up to buy his own land, and will already have the trailer to move onto that location.
But in the mean time - he has his OWN place, and for a minimum has to clean up his OWN mess and pay his OWN way...

 

[DammitJanet]

Tony keeps saying that lovely thing about this place ending up being Billy's....ugh. Or even worse, Cory and Billy living here together. There is plenty of room for that but they would kill each other in 5 seconds flat. Billy is a slob. His room is as bad as mine except I actually keep my mattress on my bed. His is falling off the bed. Or I should say the mattress topper is sliding off the bed. I dont know how he sleeps on it. He wont pull it back up on the bed. You cant find anything in his room. Between Billy and me, we are a complete episode of Hoarders except I dont hoard, I just cant manage to actually get the stuff out. I did buy trash bags yesterday and plan on watching football from my room today while filling trash bags. Wish me luck. I have to get my room clean because Jamie and family are coming for Xmas and they will sleep in the room Tony is now sleeping in.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Janet, perhaps the way to start the ball rolling to have your home free of offspring, is to first identify what it is you really want. Make a list if that helps. Would you like Billy to live on your property in his own place? Or would you rather he be 'down the street' a little further away. Would you like him to be completely self sufficient? Or would you be willing to help him financially to some degree each month? If so, what would that amount be? Are you willing to help him make the move, financially and physically, help him pack, help him move his stuff, etc? Is there furniture, kitchen stuff, household items you're willing to offer him? When would you like him to be gone by? It's a good idea to pick a date which will give him the time to adjust to the idea. Will Tony be supportive of this and stand with you? Maybe have a conversation with Tony after you get clear on what you want and find out what his willingness is and then the two of you communicate that to Billy as a united front. It doesn't sound to me like you are angry, just ready. With the money from the accident and Billy's tax refund, it all adds up to good timing all around. You sure are being assertive of late, I guess this is another opportunity for that.............hope the road is easy for you.

 

[Hound dog]

Janet, I think I'd be reminding dear ol' Tony that the farm belongs to an entire extended family (his sibs supposedly) so in truth, he most likely could not pass it on that way unless everyone was in agreement. He's thrown this at you often enough.

You do need to get clear with yourself what it is YOU want. Of course you want Billy out for a variety of reasons, but as RE said....you need to think about what you are and are not willing to do to help him fly the coop and whether or not you'd be comfortable with him closer or further away.

 

[witzend]

Plant the seed now, Janet. He needs to know that he has one week after his settlement comes to get an apartment so he needs to figure out first and last and deposit and plan on that coming out of that check.

$150 a month? Pfft!

 

[DammitJanet]

I think he really needs to be closer to his job. Right now he is driving close to 30 miles each way to work and that is a long way. It would make more sense for him to either move closer to his job or if his job is likely to be closing as he says he thinks it might, decide to move down to where his girlfriend lives in Myrtle Beach. Surely to God he could find some sort of job down there doing retail sales with 5 years experience. He could get unemployment for 20 weeks while he looks because she lives like 10 miles from the state line and he could just drive into NC to get the unemployment from here. If the store closes he will lose his job. I really think him moving down there is a better idea not only because of her but he has another friend down there that is really his best friend even if it is a female. No there isnt any romance there. She is married but they have been friends since like 9th grade. Actually if he moves down there he will hook up with more of his old classmates because that is where he went to most of his high school years.

I dont have much in the way of things to give him because everything I have is second hand. We do have freecycle and I can look online for him that way. Also down in Myrtle Beach they have an amazing array of services for people and his girlfriend is a disabled vet. She just got out of the army last March I think. Maybe February. Her divorce is supposed to be final in January if all goes well. I dont think they should immediately get married. Not a good idea but it wouldnt bother me for them to live together. She is a nice girl. A bit strange but nice.

One thing that really showed me it is time for him to move on is this weekend he has been mostly home except for 4 hours he worked on Saturday...4 hours. Or I guess he worked. I dont know where else he would have gone first thing in the morning. He was home by 1. Tony was gone hunting almost all day and only came home between 11-1:30. During that time Tony made scrambled eggs to eat for breakfast. The only reason I knew that was because I came out of my room to get some drink and he was making the eggs. Now I really didnt want them but he had made them so I took them and at about a quarter of them. Fed the rest of them to the dog. He makes eggs every weekend morning no matter what no I dont eat them every time he makes them because half the time I am still sleeping because he makes them early because Buck is here to eat. Meantime he doesnt clean up the pan with the eggs he has cooked. I get ticked off. We got in a fight tonight over it.

I dont know why but the longer I was up today the worse I started to feel. My head started to hurt, my stomach started to feel queasy, my back started to hurt worse...I really felt like I was coming down with something. I did go out to several places yesterday so maybe I picked up a bug. However normally on weekends Tony takes over and helps me out by cleaning the kitchen at least on Sunday and I had only left the pans because the only dishes left were things he had used or he and Billy had used because I bought paper plates and have been making it a huge point to tell everyone to use those. I havent used a plate all week.

Now today when he goes to cook he starts looking for pans to cook out of and he starts pitching a fit. I said well it would be easier if you washed the dishes first. Oh that started WWIII. He shouldnt have to wash the dishes before he cooks and as a matter of fact he WONT! I said why? I have to do it every day. He went off on me that oh I never do it, he can point to a dozen things on that counter than have been there all week. Really? Point. He holds up the pan. I said what is in that pan? Eggs. When did you cook those eggs? Yesterday. Thats right. And who asked you to. Oh but who ate the eggs. You did, you wanted me to cook those eggs, I cook for you ever weekend blah blah blah. No, I get up to find frying pans with eggs dried in them, pans with grits coated to them like cement. I have to go on a scavenger hunt through the house looking for silver ware and plates that hide in Billy's room and only make it out when he knows we are going to go hunting.

So I turn to Tony and tell him .... you know my head is killing me, I can hardly stand on my leg and I feel like I am going to throw up at any time. Why dont you call out the one who just tiptoed down the hall to his room the minute he saw that we might be starting to do some cleaning out here? No answer. He just wanted to complain to me. Now of course, he only washed out the one frying pan he needed to use tonight so everything that is in the kitchen is now dirty again when they had the chance to have one of them clean up the kitchen for me one time a week. Thats all I ask. One time a week. I dont think that is too much. Especially when I am not the one cooking that day. cdsss

 

[DammitJanet]

You are right. I need to plant the seed now just like he has for the car. He would have never got the job if we hadnt started requiring him and Cory pay rent each month. Whats bad? We charged Cory more even though he got way less money than Billy did a month...sigh. Tony just wanted Cory out more. Billy was the poor pitiful must be protected one.